Facing the Past
by LaraRae
Summary: AU fic. Before you can have a future, you must deal with the Past. Ryan is finally settling in to Newport when he gets a desperate phone call from his mom. Fights, Ryan History, Seth banter and more. Plenty of Angst for all! Now Complete.
1. Desperate Call

Disclaimer: I do not own The O.C. nor am I making profit for taking the characters for a ride. Please don't sue, I have nothing to give you.

Author's note: This story takes place in first season, before Oliver. Sandy has started his new job, Marissa is with her dad, and everyone is in school.

Also, I know the first chapter is a little slow, I'm just setting things up, I promise.

**Facing the Past**

Chapter One

The sun was just setting as Sandy Cohen walked through the door in to his spacious and beautiful house. An orange glow settled over everything, giving the community a warm and happy overlay.

It was the days like this that made Sandy love Newport and all things that came with it.

"Dad, you're home" Seth greeted Sandy as he walked in to the kitchen, "Just in time too, mom was contemplating cooking food…you know we can't have that…lives are at stake"

Kirsten walked up behind Seth, hitting him in the head with a box of Kraft Dinner, "How hard can this be…really?" Kirsten asked, looking at the box, "You are all being ridiculous"

"Seth, Ryan" Sandy greeted, watching his wife study the directions on the side of the KD box, "Kirsten" he smiled as she looked up and kissed his cheek.

"Uhh…get a room guys…please… but not before food, I'm hungry, we're hungry, right Ryan?"

Ryan finally looked up from the daily newspaper, raising his eyebrows at Seth.

"We gotta stick together man, help me out here" Seth begged

Ryan just shrugged and went back to the paper.

"Look, you just have to boil the water and add the box…some milk, butter and cheese powder….Does anyone know where we keep the cheese powder?" Kirsten asked, looking up.

Seth's eyes nearly bugged out of his skull as he snatched away the box from his mother, "I am not standing here and letting you take away the life of an innocent box of Kraft Dinner…I'll cook"

Sandy laughed out loud, as Kirsten glared around the kitchen at them. Ryan, seemingly immune to Kirsten's glares was still reading a story in the paper.

"Hey kid" Sandy put his hand on Ryan's shoulder. "Whatcha reading?"

Ryan unconsciously flinched from under Sandy's hand, then corrected himself, straightening, "story" he replied, shooting Sandy an apologetic glance.

Sandy pretended not to take notice to his action and bent over what Ryan was reading, "Ahh, how entertaining, a story on Medicaid reform…mind numbing, really"

Ryan sighed and pushed the paper away.

"Hey, I'm just jokin with ya you know…but it wouldn't help for you to… relax..be a kid Ryan… You're only sixteen, I don't think Seth even recognizes the National section of the paper as reading material."

Ryan grunted a reply then took a drink of water.

"How was school?" Kirsten intercepted.

"Gee, thanks for asking mom" Seth's voice was full of sarcasm as he filled a pot with water, "But we're actually both so traumatized by the daily experience of school, we don't want to talk about it"

"Funny" Kirsten remarked.

"Ahh… you know what else is funny mom…" he held up a package of powdered cheese, "The cheese comes with the box" he smiled.

Kirsten rolled her eyes, "If you don't need me here, I think I'll just go upstairs and go through you're underwear drawer Seth, I'm sure some of them need replacing by now" Kirsten smirked and made to leave the kitchen.

"Uhh, mom…no.. You can.. You know what you can do that would be helpful is uh.. uh..You could open this can of mushrooms" Seth smiled.

Ryan shot Seth an inscrutable look, getting up from his stool. He walked to the sink, filling his glass with water, " What do we need mushrooms for, Seth?" he asked quietly.

"We don't… But I don't need her rifling through my underwear drawer either."

Ryan grinned.

"So, Ryan.. Soccer, how's that goin' for ya, you like it?" Sandy asked.

"Soccer's cool" Ryan shrugged.

"So you ever think about surfing?" he asked.

"If by surfing you mean getting up at the crack of dawn to hang out in the cold water with you, dad, I doubt Ryan wants to go surfing" Seth commented.

Sandy almost looked hurt and Ryan met his eyes, quickly looking away, "No.. it could be cool" he replied. "Surfing"

"Next step Water Polo and shaving your chest, Ryan, better watch out 'cause I'll kick yer ass"

"Yeah?" Ryan asked, looking up at Seth, tilting his head to the right side.

"Well, no but… I won't give you any more comic books to read" he threatened.

"Water Polo it is then" Ryan smiled.

Seth dropped the wooden spoon he was using to stir in the macaroni, "Ohmygod, Ryan.. You just made a joke.. I am… I think I'm going to cry"

Ryan smacked him lightly in the head, "All it means is that you're contagious"

"Another one…Dad.. camcorder, now." Seth turned to Sandy as they all laughed.

……………………………..

Ryan lay spread across his bed, the moonlight softly floating in the pool house windows. He could hear the waves crashing against the beach just yards away. He stared up at the ceiling, at a spot he could swear was moving.

This place, Newport, was crazy. The Cohens were crazy. After sitting down to a dinner of mac and cheese, Sandy had finalized surfing plans for the morning, telling him he had an old wetsuit Ryan could borrow until they could run to the store and grab one.

Surfing. He, Ryan Atwood, was going surfing in the morning. After sleeping in a poolhouse.

He rolled over on to his side, this time focusing on the alarm clock beside his bed that Kirsten had put there. The green digits shone through the darkness. It felt like… It felt like he was finally starting to settle down.

Like Newport was finally setting down. A new life. Marissa's situation was starting to cool down, their relationship was getting better. Classes were good, tests were great and he hadn't been in a fight for… probably the longest he'd ever gone without.

And he was going surfing in the morning. Ryan smiled, beginning to feel sleep take him over, until the silence was broken.

Ryan glared at the phone next to him, the little red light flashing incessantly. Kirsten had put it in shortly after he moved in and unpacked. It was the same number as the one inside the house.

Less numbers to memorize she'd said.

He reached over and grabbed it, checking the time on his clock, 2:03 a.m. No wonder no one else had answered, no one else was crazy enough to stay up this late when they had to be up at seven in the morning. Or in his case six.

" Hello?" he asked, hoping something hadn't happened to Marissa. He felt his breath catch in his throat for a moment.

"Is that you baby?" a woman's voice came over the line.

Ryan knew that voice. "Mom? Wh.. What are you calling.. What happened, are you okay?"

"Baby I'm sorry" she slurred, "I need something, your momma's in big trouble"

Ryan bit his lip as his heart sank, curling his toes under the covers. "Are you drunk?" he asked.

"I need your help RyRy…"

"What did you do Ma?" Ryan sighed closing his eyes.

"I need some money Ry… Or they're gonna kill me"

"Who's gonna kill you mom?"

"Louis"

"Your coke dealer" he was getting angry now.

"Please Ryan… there's no one left" she whispered, "AJ doesn't have the money and –"

"AJ?" Ryan asked, "You're back with AJ? Course he has no money ma, cause AJ is a freeloader, he doesn't work he doesn't get money"

"Please"

"How much do you need?"

"Eleven fifty" She replied, drunkenly.

Ryan licked his lips, he knew it wasn't eleven dollars and fifty cents she was asking for. "Where do you think I can get that kind of money mom, huh?"

But Ryan's mind was already working. He had worked at the Crab Shack most of the summer, and he'd saved most of it for when he needed some new clothes or lunch, or whatever. It would clear out his account, but he knew he had it.

"How 'bout those new parents of yers?" she slurred, "They got lotsa money"

"I'm not asking Kirsten and Sandy for money mom, they've done enough already."

"Please Ryan, they're gonna kill me… maybe even your brother. He said he got people in there Ry.. help me, help us, your family."

Ryan sank back in to his pillow, "fine.. I'll get you your damn money ma, but this is the only time.. I won't do it again, ever, so you'd better just lay off… I'll call you tomorrow" and he hung up the phone, staring at the clock again.

2: 15 a.m.

So much for sleep tonight.


	2. Caught in the Act

**Facing the Past**

Chapter Two

Ryan was already sitting in the kitchen when Sandy was ready to go.

"Good morning, you got up did ya?" Sandy asked, throwing him his old wetsuit.

Ryan caught it, his tired eyes looking at the suit, "I thought you said it was your old suit?" Ryan asked, holding it up, it seemed in perfect condition.

"It is… purple was so last season" he grinned.

Ryan shook his head.

"Hey, you'll look fine in purple, really, hardly anyone's up at this hour anyways" Sandy smiled.

Ryan tentatively smiled back, feeling tired.

He hadn't gotten back to sleep last night. He had roamed around the yard in hopes his mother would call back laughing, saying she was just crazy drunk and it was all a mistake. The call never came.

He had walked all the way down to the beach, feeling the cool damp sand swallowing up his toes. He'd studied the moonlight in the water and the Cooper's house next door. He wished Marissa still lived there. Maybe he could have confided in her.

He doubted it though. He probably couldn't confide to a wall unless his life was being threatened.

"You look… tired" Sandy stated, studying his new addition to the family, "something wrong?"

"School work" Ryan replied, drinking down the rest of his coffee.

Sandy nodded, "You know, if it's too much you could –"

"No, it's fine, I'm fine… it's just.. Summer reading.. catching up I mean" he blurted out.

Sandy nodded, " better get changed then, I'll grab you a board"

Ryan nodded and headed off to the washroom to change.

He thought this would be over, when she left. He thought he wouldn't have to do any more of this shit. Maybe it was wishful thinking. Maybe being with the Cohens was starting to warp his mind in to believing things were okay.

Newport was brainwashing him, swallowing him up as another victim.

"Get real" he whispered to himself.

There was a whole other world out there that wasn't so content when it was a good surf day. Most of the world's population probably didn't care less if the waves were good in California, most of the world was focused on how they would pay the bills, feed their children, get to work, find work.

Newport was brainwashing him. Maybe it was a good thing his mom had called. He wasn't going soft, he wasn't a sellout. He would prove it by sucking this up and dealing with it.

Like a man.

Ryan looked in the mirror at himself, blonde hair falling over his eyes, the suit clinging to… well him. And purple accents running up and down the suit.

He shook his head.

Like a man.

When Ryan entered the kitchen Sandy looked up and smiled, opening his mouth, "Looks –"

Ryan shot him on of his silencing glares.

"Okay, well, it's not exactly your style but that's okay… if you like surfing we'll find you one that's all black… very manly " he smiled.

Ryan couldn't help but laugh.

……………………………………

"This isn't so hard" Ryan said out loud, once they were out in the water. They had both just finished paddling past the small breaks close to shore, out to the first main set of waves.

They were small, and Ryan was feeling…. Confident.

Sandy laughed, "That's because that was the easy part" he pointed out, "but that's the best part" he continued, pointing in to shore past the huge houses surrounded by cliffs and greenery.

The sun was rising in to the cloudless sky. The brilliant orange reflecting on the windows of people's houses, filtering through palm trees and sparkling in to the water.

"That view, every morning. It's priceless Ryan. You learn to love the simple things here, simple pleasures are what life's about."

Ryan was still staring at the sight. What would he be like if he'd grown up here? Would he be one of those spoiled brats, a self indulged jerk. One of the people who would regularly attend Holly's parties. Do nothing on the weekends but drink and confront hangovers.

Would he still flinch when people touched him?

Would he still be the tough guy, or would he be like Seth?

Ryan shook his head.

Brainwashing.

"So you ready?" Sandy asked, looking at Ryan's hapless expression.

Ryan nodded.

"Okay buddy, first we gotta find a nice set, that is a set of waves" Sandy explained.

Ryan listened.

…………………………………..

"Hey guys, we're home" Sandy yelled out once he and Ryan entered the house. They were both still damp and in their suits.

"Kitchen" Kirsten yelled back, she turned around when they entered the kitchen, "Nice suit" she remarked to Ryan.

Ryan gave her a half-amused and half-embarrassed look.

"how'd it go anyways?"

"Awesome" Sandy replied

"Okay" Ryan said at the same time.

"Well, was it awesome or okay?" she asked.

"He was great Kirsten, shoulda seen him, a natural I swear it.."

"I nearly drowned about ten times" Ryan remarked, sitting down at the counter.

"Oh don't exaggerate" Sandy laughed, "you were great, Better than me my first time out"

Ryan raised his eyebrows at him.

"Really" he said, unconvincingly.

"So, did you enjoy it as much as Sandy, ryan?"

He shrugged, "It was cool"

"We'll have to take you to the mall, for a new suit… I don't know what Sandy was thinking when he bought that one…honestly"

"You really don't have to do that…" Ryan stammered.

"Do what, get a new suit? Aren't you gonna go again?"

"Yea, sure" Ryan replied, "but this suit is fine" he shrugged, thinking of the money he put away in to his account for times like this. But now…. Now it was all going to his mom.

Kirsten shook her head, "Ryan –"

"Really, it's fine.. I mean.. who sees me this early in the morning anyways, right?"

"Ohmygod" came a voice from the kitchen behind Ryan.

Ryan cringed.

"Are you wearing a purple wetsuit?" Seth asked, "I knew you were minty Ryan.. but this… this just tops it" she shook his head.

Ryan glared.

"No.. really man, you should get a new suit.. that one.. it's not flattering… it wasn't even flattering for dad.. no offence pops" Seth raised his hands in defence.

"I don't even think… Ryan could you go change, I don't like seein' ya like this man… You're supposed to be like… my brother.. my friend… someone I learn some fightclub from…. This.. that, it's just not right" he smacked his lips.

"Seth" Ryan fixed him with a look, "The suit is just fine"

Seth took a step back. "Of course.. course it's fine" he told Ryan, nodding quickly. He shot a look to his mother, "He needs a new suit" he whispered.

Kirsten smiled.

Ryan was on his second cup of OJ for the morning when the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it" Kirsten replied, "Ryan you should go change, you have to get to school soon… Seth stop making faces at him"

"Not him, mom… the wetsuit… Ryan is fine, what he is wearing… is not."

Ryan rolled his eyes, the rolled up the newspaper he was reading, smacking Seth in the back of the head with it.

Finishing off his second cup of OJ Ryan rinsed the cup and made way to put it in the dishwasher when Kirsten entered the kitchen once more.

"Uhm, boys…. Marissa and Summer are here to… see you" Kirsten shot a quick glance at Ryan who looked down at his wetsuit, a look of panic spread across his face.

Seth began to laugh and Sandy chuckled, "so much for no one seeing you like that, huh Ryan" Seth commented.

"We'll get you a new suit tonight" Kirsten smiled at him.

Ryan looked up, pushing his cheeks out with air, "Uh.. yea" he replied.

And then they were there. Marissa and Summer both. In the kitchen.

"Hey guy-" Marissa stopped and looked at Ryan, smiling.

"ohmygod, eew" Summer wrinkled her nose.

Seth was now in hysterics, Kirsten was trying to hide a grin and Sandy wasn't even trying to hold it back.

Ryan was turning crimson.

"I think it' s cute" Marissa smiled at him.

"Oh.. ugh" Summer turned around. "Go change Chino, and hurry up, we can't be late for school"

Ryan gave a quick smile and hightailed it right out of the kitchen, leaving all those in his wake laughing.

………………………….

"It wasn't that bad" Marissa broke the silence between them later.

"You weren't the one wearing the wetsuit" Ryan remarked.

"Okay.. so it was… purple.. but I thought it looked pretty hot… made you look pretty hot I mean.

Ryan finally smiled and leaned over to kiss her on the lips.

"Thanks" he whispered.

"Thank you" she replied.

"Okay, uhm, lovebirds… time for class, lets for Coop" Summer said, dragging Marissa way.

"So, great impression on the ladies" Seth remarked.

"Seth" Ryan warned.

"Okay, okay, I get the point. I got to jet anyways, get to class, see you at lunch?"

"Sure" Ryan said, remembering his mission this morning.

They bumped knuckles and Seth ran off, leaving Ryan in the courtyard as the bell rang. People rushed around him trying to get to class, and Ryan turned around to leave.

He needed to get to the bank.

………………………………

He wasn't sure why, but Ryan found himself in the washroom at Harbour, wishing the day were over.

Over so he could get to Chino, drop off the money and say good bye to his mom for good. Because that was his plan. To say good bye, for good. He was cutting ties with her. He only hoped he could face the challenge.

Though he wasn't sure what the deal was. She left him first. Twice.

Damn, he inhaled sharply. She was back with AJ again. He wondered if he still hit her, or whether that was just when having Ryan was around.

She was doing coke again. And drinking. He wondered how much she'd had to drink last night. How much coke she done. He wondered where AJ had been.

AJ. He hated AJ. He hoped he never saw him. He wasn't sure if he could keep it cool with AJ. He'd smacked him around so many times. Smacked Dawn around so many times.

Ryan stared himself down in the mirror. Could he take on AJ? Last time wasn't so great. He'd gotten in a few, but ultimately AJ had kicked him, literally, out of the house.

Ryan studied his nose, a slight bump where it had been broken before. He looked at his arms, his muscles tightening at the thought of a fight. He made a fist.

He shouldn't fight anyone. He should drop the money off and leave. Cut ties and leave. If he fought, if he did anything wrong, he could be ripped away from the Cohens forever. Sandy might not even be able to help him.

He was getting soft. Living in Newport, with the Cohens, it was turning his brain, his fighting skills, his survival instincts, in to nothing.

He didn't remember raising his fist, and didn't remember thrusting it.

Now Ryan found himself staring at his reflection, shattered in to hundreds of little pieces. What once was the bathroom mirror. He looked down at his knuckles and instantly knew they would swell and bruise. They were already bloody, he must have punched more than once.

Blood wouldn't have been on the glass, or smeared across his hands with just one hit.

Ryan blew out a breath he'd been holding and rinsed the blood from his hands, wrapping them in paper towels.

He would go now. To Chino. Get it over with. He could go find Seth, borrow the Rover and drive to Chino, be back before school let out to pick up Seth.

Ryan pushed the door to the washroom open hard, surprised when a sharp intake of breath was heard. He looked up, wondering who he'd almost hit.

Dr. Kim.

Ryan close his eyes and sighed.

Chino would have to wait.


	3. Overheard

**Facing the Past**

Chapter Three

" I must stress that something like this does not look favourable to Ryan at all. It shows that he has a problem dealing with and expressing his emotions properly." The Dean's voice filled the office.

Ryan stared at the edge of her desk, listening to the conversation.

When Dr. Kim had seen his hands, she immediately entered the boys' lavatory to see what had happened.

The way Ryan looked at it, was at least it hadn't been a kid.

But here he was nonetheless, with Sandy and Kirsten sitting with him, listening to Dr. Kim bad mouth him and bust him for skipping his morning classes.

He deserved it, he guessed. He did break a mirror.

"We can pay for it" Kirsten spoke up.

"Kirsten.. You know it has nothing to do with the money" Dr. Kim smiled gently.

"So what happens next then?" Sandy asked, causing Ryan to raise his head and listen carefully.

Dr. Kim took a breath and looked at each of them in turn, finally settling on Sandy. "You know this wouldn't look good on his file Mr. Cohen"

"Sandy" he intervened.

"Sandy. Unfortunately, something as simple as this could have Ryan removed from Harbour. With his record I can't see the committee wanting to take a chance. Next time it could be one of the kids, do you see my point?"

Ryan seemed to deflate. He'd done it. He'd just ruined most of his chances for a decent college. He stared at the floor. Public School. He remembered Chino Hills and shuddered. Newport couldn't be as bad as that, could it? Where a diploma from there meant practically nothing.

Because that's what a diploma in Chino got you. Nothing. Ryan wasn't stupid, he knew that only seventy percent of the students graduated, and of those only 13 percent went on to do better things, like a bachelors. A measly 3 percent went to Grad school.

And to think, had he stayed in Chino, his grades would still be… well bad. His test scores would be high, but he probably wouldn't have moved on to bigger and better things. In Chino it didn't help to dream of things like college.

"Yes, I think we understand perfectly" Sandy replied, looking over at Ryan whom, couldn't in Sandy's opinion, sink much further in to the chair without landing on the floor.

Kirsten appeared as though she had a broken heart.

"I'm willing to not report this to the committee" Dr. Kim finally said.

Sandy looked at her, surprised, and Ryan's head shot up..

"On one condition" she eyed Ryan.

"Anything" he didn't want to have to leave Seth and Marissa.

"You begin attending some form of therapy. Anger management, counselling, something to prevent this from happening again… ever."

Ryan looked towards Kirsten and Sandy, as if questioning them. Sandy raised his brows.

"Okay" Ryan finally said. "I'll go"

………………………….

The ride home with Kirsten and Sandy was… surprisingly quiet. Ryan just assumed it was coming later.

Their lack of repercussions had him nervously jumping at small sounds, flinching when ever Seth closed a textbook quickly.

They were in the living room, studying, and still nothing had been said to him about punishment. Seth was tiptoeing around the situation as a whole, and hadn't even asked Ryan about it yet.

Kirsten and Sandy were in the kitchen, cleaning up after dinner. Chinese take-out.

"I'm not sure if I feel right doing that Sandy" Kirsten was saying.

"He has to be punished Kirsten… he broke private property. He lost it, he almost lost his entry in to Harbour for it. There's obviously something wrong and –"

"And when he's ready to talk about it, he'll come to us"

"Or smash something else, maybe some one else" Sandy pointed out.

Kirsten leaned her head to the side, looking at her husband. They were both extraordinarily concerned for Ryan. And they were both handling it differently.

"You want to leave it?" Sandy asked her, "No punishment at all?"

"He's agreed to Therapy Sandy, I think that's the best thing for him right now. And have you seen him, did you see him in the office Sandy? He knows he messed up, he's aware. He's so jumpy now it's like he's-"

"Expecting us to hit him" Sandy finished.

"Well yes" Kirsten replied.

"If we ground him, at least he'll be at ease, and recognize that as his punishment. Maybe he'll relax a bit then"

Kirsten sighed. "Okay" she finally agreed. "But you're doing the talking"

Sandy kissed her passionately, causing Kirsten to drop a plate in to the sink, "I knew you'd see it my way"

……………………………

"Dude, are you okay?" Seth asked, staring at Ryan..

Ryan looked at Seth, his eyes wide and wild, breathing shallow and rapid, "Yeah, I'm fine, it just… the noise…"

Seth nodded slowly, "Kay there, bud… stay clean… off the drugs"

Ryan shot a look at him as Kirsten and Sandy entered the living room.

"Seth" Sandy said, "I think it's time for you to go to bed"

"Uhm… maybe.. except that I'm not seven any more dad… it's only eight"

"Seth" Sandy warned.

"Right, I'm feeling a bit peckish anyways, night Ryan, cya in the morning… I hope" Seth finished, jumping up and leaving quickly.

He knew when he was not wanted. That was fine, he'd just sneak down and talk to Ryan later.

Ryan closed up his books, stuffing them back in to his school bag.

"Got much more to do?" Sandy asked, sitting down beside Kirsten.

"Nope, I''m done it all, just doing extra reading" Ryan replied.

"Ryan… about today"

Here it comes, Ryan thought. He'd been dwelling on this since the ride home. Well actually since he almost hit the Dean with the bathroom door.

"It's fine, I'm already packed" Ryan told them, standing up to leave.

Sandy studied him quizzically, and Kirsten jumped up with Ryan, "Don't be silly Ryan, we're not kicking you out, we would never kick you out…"

Ryan swallowed tightly, hugging his bag to his chest, and sat down on the couch across from them.

"Ryan, we just want to know why you did it, son" Sandy asked.

Ryan thought of telling him. Telling them. Everything, about the money, about his mom calling. But he kept his mouth shut.

He would handle this like a man.

"Ryan, is there something… anything, you want to tell us, to help us understand?" Kirsten asked.

Ryan opened his mouth to say something, then stopped and shook his head.

"So you just decided to punch the mirror for no reason?" Sandy asked.

"Yea" he replied. He was really just protecting himself. Protecting them from what he was.

"Was it something about Marissa? Or a class?"

"Nope, just me and my messed up head" Ryan snapped.

Sandy and Kirsten sat back. "Look, kid, we really don't want to have to do this, but you're grounded for the next four days, okay?"

"Four days?" Ryan asked.

"You see the therapist on Saturday, earliest we could get you in" Sandy replied.

Today was Tuesday.

"Fine" Ryan replied, shrugging and getting up. "I'm gonna get some sleep" Ryan told them, starting to leave.

"Ryan" Kirsten called out when he got to the door.

He stopped, but didn't turn. "Yea?"

"Are you sure there's nothing you want to explain?" she asked.

"Yes"

For a moment Kirsten's heart fluttered, he wanted to talk!

"I'm sure" he finished, and her heart fell.

"Okay" she whispered, "Goodnight Ryan"

"Night" he replied.

……………………………

Seth was going stir crazy in his room. All he knew was that Ryan had taken out the bathroom mirror.

He needed to know why and Captain Oats wasn't spilling the beans.

Seth looked outside for what must have been the hundredth time since he got upstairs. He saw that the pool house lights were on. He would give Ryan a few moments to change, and then confront him.

They were brothers.

Seth had the right to know.

………………………………………..

Ryan dropped his bag at the foot of his bed and threw himself on to the bed.

He was messing it up.

His life here. He was screwing it up. He could feel Sandy's disappointment coming off in waves. And Kirsten's worry.

They must be so angry with him.

Ryan sighed, then reached over, grabbing the cordless phone from beside his alarm clock. He punched in the number he had memorised last night.

It wasn't hard to remember something if you stared at it long enough.

Someone picked up on the third ring.

" 'Lo" a male voice answered.

"Dawn there?" Ryan asked.

"Who's this"

"Dawn please" Ryan replied, recognising AJ's voice. He didn't want to get in to it with him.

"Bastard little punk" AJ said in to the phone, still bitter about their last meeting when Ryan had clobbered him.

"Dawn, yer kid's on the phone" he screamed in to the background.

Ryan waited for a moment, pacing back and forth in the pool house. He approached the door and opened it, he was starting to feel as though the room were stuffy.

" 'Lo?" a voice answered.

"Mom?" Ryan asked, stepping away from the open door so that no one would hear him.

"Ry? That you?"

"Yeah, how are you?" he asked.

Dawn laughed, letting out what sounded like a raspy bark, and Ryan grimaced, holding the phone away for a moment.

"Been better, you?"

"I got the money" he replied, not getting in to it. She didn't care. She only cared about herself.

"Really? Ry you did that for me?" Yea, Ma, I got it. One thing, You have to drive out here and get it. I can't get away from the house"

"Why not?" she demanded.

"It doesn't matter mom, I've got it, you just have to come and get it"

"Are you settin' me up?" she screamed.

Ryan sighed, rolling his eyes, "no mom, I'm not setting you up, I have the money, you have to come get it"

Ryan didn't see Seth almost walk in to the pool house, then stop and hide around the corner.

"Why I gotta drive all the way down there for… AJ ain't gonna be too pleased"

"Then don't bring AJ mom:"

"Ry, you gotta come back to Chino, you gotta drop it off to them, to Louis. They'll kill me if I do… an AJ still owes 'em his debt"

"I can't come up there ma, I've got too much going on –"

"You won't even come and help your ma out, what kind of son are you, what kind of family do I have!?"

Ryan bit his bottom lip, hard, drawing blood. "I won't do it mom, come down here, or no money"

"Ry-"

"NO!" he yelled into the phone, "I won't do this any more mom, I won't sacrifice myself for you any more, I won't sacrifice what I have here now, If you want your money, You can drive here and get it!" he yelled, them hung up the phone.

Ryan threw himself on the bed and closed his eyes, tears falling down his cheeks for the first time since his mom had thrown him from the house.

………………………………….

Outside the pool house door Seth went over what he'd heard. Obviously Ryan's situation was above and beyond normal Seth banter. Bandages wouldn't make this one go away.

He would come back and talk to him in the morning. Maybe on the way to school.

When Seth had a plan.

Right now, Ryan needed some alone time.

……………………………………

Ryan could feel sleep pulling at the edges of his eyes, and a soreness at the back of his throat.

He took another puff from his smoke. He'd already had four, sitting here waiting, from a pack he hadn't felt the need to touch since he came to Newport. His head was spinning, like he was drunk, and nausea was creeping up on him.

He was sitting outside the small little gate community that Kirsten and Sandy lived in. Dawn probably wouldn't be able to get through the gates this late. Not without a call to the Cohens anyways. He'd decided that getting a phone call at ten at night wasn't going to put them in their good graces, so he waited here.

For the past hour he'd waited here.

The drive between Chino and Newport, and he knew from experience, took roughly forty-six minutes.

Which meant they hadn't left right away. They were probably getting drunk. Or high. Or with any luck arrested.

He'd just finished that thought when a car came swerving up the street, tires squealing on the pavement. Ryan stood, taking one last puff from his smoke, then flicked it down the storm drain.

He waited for her to stop at the gate, then walked over to the car.

"Hey Ma" Ryan greeted her, eyeing AJ, who was driving, with a passive glance.

He took out an envelope from his pocket and handed it to her through the window, turning to leave.

"hey kid, not so fast, we're not through yet" AJ's voice pierced the night.

"Yea, AJ, we are finished. You got the money, you drop it off, send someone else to be the messenger, I don't feel like getting the shit beat out of me tonight for you"

"Get in the fuckin' car kid" AJ swore.

His mom didn't say anything. She just clutched the money in the envelope, staring straight ahead.

Ryan eyed the security booth, then realised he'd been hiding in the shadows all this time for no reason. At night you had to have a swipe card to enter. There was no guy controlling the gate.

No witness to the fact. No one to save him.

"See you around" Ryan said, beginning to walk away.

He heard a car door open behind him, assuming it was his mother to beg him to come, he turned.

It wasn't his mom. It was AJ.

Ryan took an offensive position, balling his fists and waiting.

"Get in the car" AJ said, "You're making this drop, like it or not" and it was then that Ryan saw the gun shimmer under the streetlights.

Pointed at him.

Ryan eyed AJ, not doubting he would be shot if he didn't comply.

"Are you drunk?" Ryan asked.

"Not your damn business you little shit, now get in the back"

Ryan sighed and walked over to the car, opening the back door to get in. He was just sitting down and lifting his legs in to the car when AJ slammed the door closed on his right ankle.

He gritted his teeth, but didn't cry out.

He knew this game.

The more noise you made, the happier AJ was. And Ryan never wanted to make AJ happy.


	4. Relentless

**Facing the Past**

Chapter Four

The whole drive back to Chino, Ryan kept asking himself why he hadn't just run. Why he hadn't hid past the gates where they couldn't find him.

He'd been drilling himself for the past hour, sitting in the back seat. It wasn't just the gun. The gun he could deal with, he'd seen them before. He'd had them pointed at him before.

The only reason that he could remotely come up with, was that Dawn knew where he lived. And if she told AJ, AJ wouldn't hesitate to show up at the door with that gun.

What if Kirsten answered the door?

He pictured it in his head, the look of fear on Kirsten's face. Suddenly the nausea rode up to his mouth.

Ryan swallowed it back.

What if Seth had answered the door? The kid would babble incoherently if he saw another gun. AJ would probably shoot the kid just to shut him up.

Sandy. Sandy was gonna be so pissed at him.

Ryan didn't realise he'd been biting his lip until it started bleeding again. The taste of salt and iron filled his mouth and he almost spit.

Almost.

In the seat up front AJ was driving, the gun no longer in sight. His mom stared straight ahead. She was on something.

AJ was drinking a beer.

He could run for it if they ever got to a stop light.

Thing was, next time he saw a stoplight would probably be in Chino. There wasn't a whole lot between the two places.

And then what would he do? Call Sandy and ask to be picked up? He snorted at the thought.

He could hitchhike, but doubted anyone would pick him up outside of the Los Angeles district.

He could just go and do it.

"You guys are taking me home after I do this for you" Ryan finally spoke.

"What makes you think that, you little shit" AJ cursed looking over his shoulder. The car swerved in to a different lane and Ryan held on to the door handle.

"If you don't, I'll go to the cops and tell them everything" Ryan threatened.

AJ turned back to the road and didn't say anything more on the subject.

Ryan didn't say anything either. He just watched the views pass, changing from time to time. It reminded him of the first time Sandy drove him home, to an abandoned house.

Except it had been light out for that trip. In essence it was the same. He was driving to Chino to get a beating. From AJ the first time. From Louis this time.

Ryan was so lost in his thoughts, that when the car stopped outside a small broken down house he made no move.

"Hey, Kid" AJ spoke, spittle landing on Ryan's face.

Ryan looked at AJ, and at his mom who was still facing the front.

"We're here, Louis is inside, we called to tell him you were comin'. We'll wait down the street."

Ryan grabbed the envelope of his own money and released himself from the car. He barely had time to close the door before AJ was barrelling down the street.

Ryan looked down at the envelope then up at the house. He knew that his place was only a few blocks away. He knew that the little shop Sandy had picked him up at was about forty minutes on foot.

Ryan inhaled deeply, shoving the envelope in to his left hand, then retreated up the stairs. He slammed his fist on the cheap wooden door and waited.

…………………………….

Dawn stared straight out the window, listening to AJ drumming his fingers on the steering wheel to the radio.

He opened another beer, chugging it down quickly then throwing the car our the window.

He lit a smoke, passing it to her, and then lit another one for himself.

"Lets go" Dawn felt herself saying.

AJ looked over at her, eyebrows raised in question.

"Your kid?" he asked.

"Lets go, I can't stay here and wait for them guys to find us. Ry will be okay. He can fight. He's not a softy"

AJ shrugged and threw the car in to drive, flooring the pedal.

…………………………………..

Ryan nearly jumped out of his skin when the door finally opened, swinging inward. Louis stood before him, eyes red and wild, strung out on something.

"Yea?" he leered.

Ryan held up the envelope, "Dawn's payment"

Louis grabbed the envelope from him and Ryan turned away, walking down the two cement steps.

"Hey kid, I know you?" Louis asked.

Ryan didn't answer, he just made his legs move faster.

A car pulled to the curb, and Ryan eyed it warily. At first he'd thought he could make a clean break, that Dawn and AJ had done what they said they would do.

Unfortunately it was not Dawn nor AJ who got out of the car.

"Where you goin, kid?" one of the guys asked him. He was wearing a white wifebeater, covered in dirt.

"Look, I'm just the messenger –" Ryan started, holding up his hands.

"Naw, I know you, you're that other kid, of Dawn's… yer Trey's brother.."

Ryan swallowed, dropping his hands to his sides, balling his fists.

"Dawn's kid, huh?" A voice asked from behind him.

Ryan turned to see Louis there.

His heart pattered wildly in his chest, sweat trickled down his neck.

"I know you then… you used to always do her pickups and drops… I've known you since you were this tall" Louis said, holding his hand at about Ryan's chest.

"That's great… great to remember old times but I've –"

His Seth-like banter was cut short as Louis drove a fist in to his gut. Ryan buckled over, clutching his stomach.

The rest of the guys in the car got out.

Then the fight began.

Someone clocked him from behind, right in the neck and Ryan nearly stumbled to the ground. Saving himself at the last minute he stood quickly, punching Louis in the nose.

He felt the satisfying crack it made, and the warmth of blood on his knuckles.

Which was when two guys grabbed him from behind, restraining him while the others got in on the action.

Ryan felt someone connect with his nose, causing his eyes to water. Everything was suddenly blurry.

He didn't know who it was that hit him in the right eye. Or the cheekbone.

He didn't know who had gotten a crowbar from somewhere and smashed it in to his side, and his already damaged knee.

He didn't know which one of them repeatedly punched his ribs, until he could feel them start to crack.

Ryan didn't know how long it was before they finally dropped him and went inside.

He didn't know how long he lay there, moaning and bleeding.

Ryan knew nothing but the fact this was going to be very hard to hide from the Cohens.

He rolled over, clutching his chest, and pushed himself to his feet, slowly. He could hardly see out of his right eye, it was already swelling.

There must have been a cut on his forehead too, because he could feel the blood drip down his face in to his mouth.

He shot a glance at the house, where they had disappeared in to, and remembered the number.

Slowly Ryan limped away from what had once been a weekly occurance.

When Ryan got to the corner, where Dawn and AJ were supposed to be waiting, he didn't hesitate. He knew they wouldn't be there.

He knew he hadn't misjudged them when he glanced around for cars.

He kept limping.

He needed to get to those payphones. The same ones that Sandy had saved him at before.

During his walk, Ryan mentally made a checklist of what was wrong with him.

Broken ribs. He could feel his shallow breaths, and had to keep stopping and sitting down.

When he coughed, there was no blood, so his lung wasn't punctured. That was good.

His left arm was incredibly sore and he couldn't even make his fingers move. Broken, he knew. AJ had broken that same arm once.

His head wound had stopped bleeding freely, which meant it wasn't too serious.

He was dizzy, so maybe a mild concussion.

He lost count after that, of all the small injuries he could feel stinging his body.

Ryan had checked his watch, lifting his left arm, painfully, to look at it. He was disappointed when he realised it was broken during the fight.

Somewhere in the night he heard a helicopter, and remembered his childhood with Theresa. They used to pretend those helicopters were looking for them. They would run and hide in bushes, laughing the whole time.

During his walk, Ryan truly realised how stereotypical his old neighbourhood was. It was the kind of place you would see in a movie, as a ghetto.

To Ryan it had always been home.

But now.. now Ryan couldn't wait to get back home. To lay in his warm bed, and wake up bathed in sunlight. To listen to Seth's breakfast banter, and Kirsten and Sandy try and get two words in themselves.

Ryan smiled, then winced.

He felt with his tongue then added missing tooth to his list of injuries.

By the time Ryan got to the payphone, and was able to check the time, it was nearly two in the morning.

Judging by when his watch was smashed, it had taken him nearly ninety minutes just to walk a few blocks.

Ryan picked up the phone, fishing for a quarter in his pockets. Coming up empty handed Ryan punched in to dial collect.

He'd have to pay them later. Louis had all his money now. And maybe his tooth.

Ryan listened to the operator, inserting his name when applicable. Then waited for the other end to ring.

When the line was finally answered it was a sleepy sounding Kirsten that picked up the phone.

"Ryan?" she asked. "Where are you?"

Uh, Hey Kirsten, could I talk to Sandy?" Ryan asked.

"You're not in jail are you?" she wondered out loud.

"No, not jail Kirsten. Don't worry, I just need a ride home."

Sandy must have taken the phone then because it was him who asked Ryan if he was drunk.

"No, not drunk" he said.

"Where… where are you Ryan?"

Ryan sighed, "I'm in Chino.. It's a long story Sandy.. could you.. can I just explain it to you on the way back?"

"Buddy, you have a lot of explaining to do on the way back" Sandy promised.

"I'm where you picked me up the first time"

"You better stay there" Sandy threatened, then softened his tone, "I'm on my way Ryan"

"Thanks Sandy" Ryan said, hanging up the phone.

……………………………….

Sandy's thoughts were muddled the entire trip to Chino.

He deliberately drove the speed limit so Ryan would have time to think about what he did. Almost like a temporary punishment.

When he finally pulled in to the variety store's parking lot he saw a lump waiting for him on the cement divider he had the first time. Sandy drove up and honked, wondering if Ryan was asleep.

The kid lifted his head from his arms and slowly straightened out, when Sandy finally realised that something was wrong.

He got out of the car right away and went to him.

"Ryan?" Sandy asked,

Ryan flinched at the voice and light, his head pounding now. "Yeah Sandy?" he asked, raising his head to look at him.

"Oh my.. Ryan what the hell happened to you!?" Sandy demanded, rushing over to him. He was glad he'd talked Kirsten out of coming. She would be flipping right now.

"Fight" he replied, pushing himself away from the wall.

"Just now?"

Ryan shook his head… " 'fore I walked here"

"Where did you walk here from, why didn't you tell me on the phone Ryan? Why didn't you call an ambulance instead? Or the police? Do you know who did this to you?"

Ryan nodded, "Can we talk later… I really wanna get home and sleep"

Sandy shook his head, taking Ryan's left arm then letting go when he let out a hiss of pain.

"Sorry.. think it might be broken" Ryan gave a half smile.

Sandy was trying to wrap his head around it. "You're going to the hospital Ryan. That's final"

"I-"

"Hospital, no excuses, now" Sandy said.

Ryan didn't try and fight back. Sandy sounded angry.

"I'm sorry" Ryan muttered when he was finally situated in the car.

"About what?"

"This" Ryan shrugged.

Sandy shook his head, "The only thing you should be sorry for right now is not telling Kirsten or I… or even Seth, what was going on. So tell me Ryan, why did you suddenly decide to visit Chino?"

Ryan shrugged.

"Look, you've got to talk. The police are going to want answers and you need to give them answers"

"No police" Ryan muttered.

"Oh there will be police. Who ever did this to you is going to pay"

Ryan stayed silent. Not if he didn't tell. That wasn't how things were done in Chino. If he told, he was a narc. If he was a narc, he would never have a place in Chino. Not now, not ever. Not to mention if anyone found out where he lived in Newport.

"If I tell –"

"Which you will" Sandy admonished.

"It could put you guys in danger… I won't be responsible for that"

"So instead you'll be responsible for whomever else this guy beats up?"

Ryan shrugged. "It's a Chino th-"

"_You don't live in Chino Anymore Ryan_" Sandy screamed. "You live in Newport, with us. You are our family now, you never have to go back to Chino. Why did you come back here tonight?"

Ryan shrugged.

"Ryan" Sandy warned.

"I didn't want to alright?!" Ryan finally snapped.

"Then why did you?"

They… he… I just wasn't left with a choice" Ryan finally stammered.

"Was it your mom?"

Ryan didn't say anything.

"What did she want?"

"What she always wants… money" Ryan spat.

"Why didn't you come to us?"

"She's not your mother, why should you have to take care of her?"

Sandy didn't know where to even start with that sentence.

"Ryan, she's your mother, you're our son, that makes her family, not to mention that you shouldn't be taking care of her, it's the other way around, why didn't you just walk away?"

Ryan snorted in reply, Sandy sighed, following the GPS voice to the hospital.

"We'll talk later, Ryan. I want. . we will want to know everything…"

"Great" Ryan muttered, staring out the window.

Sandy pulled up to the emergency doors at Chino Valley Med Centre, "You go get checked in, I'll park and meet you there in two minutes"

Ryan clambered from the front seat and limped his way through the door, well aware many eyes of waiting patients were on him.

He made his way to the sign in sheet at the nurse's station and signed his name, only to be prompted by the nurse immediately to sit down.

She took the clipboard and checked it, pulling the top sheet from under the clips she balled it up and chucked it.

Ryan had smeared blood on it.

"Ryan Atwood?" she asked, turning to her computer.

He didn't reply, but raised his brows in response.

"What happened to you?"

"I fell down some stairs" Ryan told her, rolling his eyes.

"He was in a fight" Sandy put in from behind him. "I want the police called and a report filed. I want every injury photographed and documented."

"And you are?" the nurse eyes Sandy.

"Sandy Cohen, Ryan's father and attorney"

"Father?" she asked.

"Yeah, problem?" Sandy asked.

Ryan smiled, feeling warm inside. Sandy had told her he was his son. Sandy was his father. He swallowed the lump in his throat.

"Look" Sandy said, leaning down to him, "I called Kirsten and told her what was going on. She wanted to drive up with Seth but I told her not to bother, we'd be back in a little while anyways. But she's upset. Don't be surprised if she won't let you go when you get home" Sandy joked.

Ryan smiled back tentatively.

"Ryan?" a nurse asked from around the corner. He turned to her.

"We have a bed for you right away"

Sandy nodded in approval as Ryan got up to follow her in.

………………………….

Plenty of bed rest and ice, the doctor had told him. He'd been prescribed some pain killers for his arm, which had been cast.

The wound on his forehead had required stitches so that it would heal properly. He had a mild concussion, which meant he'd have to be woken every three hours through the night.

They were supposed to watch for a fever and infection.

On top of that the police were called. A report was filed. Fortunately the Chino PD was so understaffed and busy at this point they said they'd have to send the investigators down to Newport.

Sandy hadn't told Ryan yet, but Children's Aid was also called, and a report filed there. There was no doubt there would soon be a follow up with the Cohens.

There was a chance they could lose him.

Sandy promised himself he would fight tooth and nail.

As he led Ryan slowly outside he felt Ryan tense, then pause. Sandy turned to him, eyes full of question. He met Ryan's eyes who were full of fear and realization.

"Ryan?" Sandy asked him.

Ryan could hear Sandy, but couldn't react. Almost like the rest of the world had gone silent except for one voice.

He knew that voice.

AJ.

He turned to it and saw the jerk talking with police. He was sitting on a stretcher.

Ryan felt everything go numb, and blackness sway him. Then he focused.

"She was driving" he told the officers, who were taking notes.

Who was she? Ryan asked himself. And even then he knew.

"- anything to drink?" one officer questioned.

"Yea… a couple.. she just lost her son you know.." AJ replied.

Ryan balled up his right fist and took a step towards the three of them, two cops, one AJ.

Sandy followed, holding Ryan back slightly. Was this man the one who had hurt Ryan?"

Ryan strode up to the three of them, and AJ looked up, his face contorting into wonder, then realization…

"Ryan?" he asked.

"Where is she? " he demanded.

"Wh…" AJ stuttered.

"What did you do with her? Where is she, where is my mom?" Ryan was yelling now, tears coming down his cheeks.

"She… she… we were driving and.."

"YOU were driving AJ, when you left me to get beaten to a bloody pulp!" Ryan yelled again, "WHAT HAPPENED?!"

"Kid!" the officer snapped, stepping between the two of them, "relax, what's your name?"

Ryan ignore the cop and pushed past him, Sandy standing helplessly by.

He grabbed AJ's collar with his right hand and pulled him forwards, staring him in the eye.

Ryan could smell the alcohol.

"Where. Is. Dawn. ?" he asked.

"She… she died Ryan… we were driving… she was driving drunk and she crashed…. Hit another car… she wasn't wearing her seat belt and she was thrown from the –"

Ryan shoved him backwards, letting go of his shirt collar. AJ quickly lost balance and toppled off the stretcher backwards.

All around them no voices spoke. There was just sobbing. And it wasn't AJ.

Ryan stood in the midst of chaos, his insides shrivelling. His heart slowing and breaking.

Dawn was dead.

His mother was dead.

He began to cry. Tears flowed down his cheeks and Ryan found it harder and harder to breathe. Sobs escaping him so loudly he couldn't control them. Couldn't shush them.

Ryan Atwood stood in the middle of the room, sobbing relentlessly in to Sandy's shirt.


	5. Waiting

**Facing the Past**

Chapter Five

Seth sat with his mother in the kitchen, nursing a hot cup of coffee along with his nerves. "How long did dad say they would be?" Seth asked her again.

"A couple hours, anything more and he would call" Kirsten told him, for what must have been the tenth time so far.

Seth glared at the phone for not ringing and bringing news.

This wasn't fair.

"Did dad say how bad he was?"

Kirsten looked over at her son, tiredly. "He just said.. pretty beaten up, I've told you this Seth"

Seth didn't bother replying. Chino. Ryan had gone to Chino. There was a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Seth remembered what he had overheard earlier that night. Couldn't get the words out of his head, mostly because he was proud. Happy.

Ryan had chosen them instead of his mom. Ryan had chosen to turn things around for himself, and not look back any longer, and Seth couldn't be happier. He had a brother now. Except… now his brother was in the hospital.

"I snuck down to talk to him earlier" Seth finally blurted out.

Kirsten looked up from her coffee mug, waiting for more of an explanation.

"I… I overheard him talking to someone… not someone, he was talking to Dawn, his mom. He was really angry at her, I think she might be back in to drugs or something" he finished.

"Seth" Kirsten said, staring at him, "What, exactly, did you over hear?"

Seth sighed, he didn't want to get Ryan in any trouble, but if his mother had anything to do with why he was in the hospital… he would.

What Cohen? You would what? Bore her to death with you incessant chatter?

"Ryan said something about having the money she needed, and then started freaking out about some guy named AJ. He told her that she had to come to Newport to get the money, because he was done risking everything he had here for her. Told her it was the last time he would ever do something like this again, then he hung up, and I left"

"Why.. why didn't you talk to him, to us?"

"I thought he might need a little cooling off time mom. He was pretty pissed, and I know Ry when he's pissed, he's not very friendly – to anyone."

Kirsten looked back down at her coffee, contemplating the situation.

"Something must have happened to make Ryan go to Chino, and I'm betting that something was Dawn…that's what I think… just thought you should know" Seth finished lamely.

"Thank you Seth –" Kirsten was cut off by the phone ringing.

Both of them stared at it for a moment, but it was in Kirsten's hand and answered before it rang twice.

"Sandy?" she asked, desperately. "How is he?"

………………………….

Sandy stood outside the car in the hospital parking lot. Ryan was inside, his head back against the seat. He hadn't said a word to Sandy since he'd stopped crying, not even to the police.

The police hadn't been so happy with his little outburst, but Sandy had managed to smooth things over, offering them his card and home number, where he or Ryan could be reached for further inquiries.

"Sandy? How is he?" Kirsten's voice came over the phone.

"He's okay… a little banged up and… well we have a lot to discuss when we get home." Sandy told her. Now wasn't the time to get in to all that had happened here tonight.

"Look, Seth told me he went to Chino for his mom… did she have something to do with this?"

Sandy swallowed the lump building in his throat. "I.. uh… lets talk about this when I get home, okay? We're just leaving the Med Centre now… so we should be there within the hour, okay?"

Silence for a moment, then a feeble, "okay"

"Love you Kirsten" Sandy told her.

"Love you too, Sandy, drive safe" then she hung up.

Sandy studied his passenger, climbing in to the car. He had a feeling this wasn't exactly the drive to clear the air with. No, the lectures could wait. Ryan came first.

Sandy headed out towards home.

…………………….

"They should be home within the hour" his mom had told him. Seth glanced at the clock. It had been about forty five minutes. They should be home soon.

His foot tapped impatiently on the tile floor, and a sudden thought struck him.

"Do I have to go to school in the morning?" Seth asked.

Kirsten rolled her eyes, "No, I think after this we can all take a day off."

"Ah, excellent, family time… very nice.. can I skip the lectures? I mean, since I wasn't part of this one?"

"Seth" Kirsten warned, then snapped to attention. The front door had opened.

"Sandy?" she called out.

"We're here" his voice came back through the hall.

"Thank god" Kirsten cried out, jumping up from the stool and dashing in to the front hall.

……………………………………

Ryan kept his head down when he heard footsteps running towards them. Staring at the floor.

Sandy was helping him limp in to the house by supporting his weight on the right, where Ryan's ankle was killing him. Just sprained, the doctor had told him. Ice and rest.

The footsteps stopped and he heard Kirsten gasp, then Seth's voice.

"Hey guy- ohmy.. what the hell?"

Ryan flinched and tried bending his head down further, but suddenly became nauseated. He bent quickly, pulling Sandy down with him and threw up on the marble floors.

Ryan wiped his mouth on the back of his right hand, then started righting himself, "I'm sorry.. I'll clean it up –"

"No you won't!" Kirsten replied haughtily, "You will get in here and-" She stopped suddenly, catching a glimpse of Ryan's face. She shot a glance at Sandy.

"What happened to you? Are you okay? " Tears slipped down her cheeks and Ryan turned away.

"It's nothing, I'm fine… I just need some bed rest and –"

"Your arm is broken.. who did this to you?" Kirsten demanded, fire sparking in her eyes.

Seth watched the whole exchange uncomfortably. Seeing Ryan like this… somewhere inside him it felt like things were tearing a part. Like he had lost a part of himself.

"Lets get settled, then talk. We need to figure out what Ryan's going to say to the police as well"

"Police?" Kirsten asked. Sandy shot her a look.

"I'll go get some paper towels and clean this up….Seth, help your father with Ryan" she ordered.

………………………………………

"So… anyone care to explain?" Kirsten spoke tersly, balanced on the edge of the sofa. Ryan was sitting back in the armchair and Seth sat on the loveseat, arms crossed looking at the floor.

"I don't really want to talk about it" Ryan finally broke his silence.

"Well you don't have a choice" Sandy told him, "We can't help if you don't tell us what you need"

"I don't need anything" Ryan sat forwards, grimacing.

"Maybe we should start with what I know?" Sandy wondered out loud.

He saw Ryan grimace, then give in, "Fine"

He looked around at them, these people who took him in, cared for him, believed in him. Seth couldn't seem to look at him… Kirsten couldn't stop looking at him.. and Sandy… Sandy just pitied him. He hated being pitied.

Ryan stared at the floor and began talking, explaining everything up to the point he called Sandy.

He spoke for nearly fifteen minutes straight, and though it didn't seem long as far as the clock was concerned, Ryan was whispering by the time he finished.

"I'm just going to go get a glass of water" Ryan added on to the end, while they depicted his story. He didn't want to be here to see the disappointment written across their faces.

"I'll get it" Seth volunteered, jumping up before Ryan could.

Ryan slowly leaned back in his chair, rubbing his thumbs on his ripped, bloodied jeans while digging his toes in to the carpet. It was a habit he'd had for a long time. Since he was a kid.

When Seth came back with a glass of water, which Ryan drank gratefully, Sandy eyed him, warily.

"You want me to tell the rest?" Sandy asked.

Ryan said nothing for a moment, just sharing a look with Sandy. "I think I'm going to go to bed, see you in the morning" he finally said.

Kirsten tried to stop him, but Sandy just called her name softly. She stopped, sitting back down, then looked up at Ryan.

"I want you to sleep in the guest room tonight. The bed's done up and everything… I just want to… in case anything.." she shot him a brief smile.

Ryan nodded and left the room. He didn't need to be there for this. The first time was bad enough.

……………………..

The living room fell silent for a moment, until they were sure Ryan had left the vicinity. "Seth, maybe you should go to bed" Sandy suggested.

Seth rolled his eyes, "Yea, right, I'm just going to stand at the top of the stairs and listen in anyways."

Sandy sighed.

"There's more?" Kirsten asked.

Sandy smiled ruefully, "There's more" he confirmed.

"While we were at the hospital, Ryan saw someone he knew… a guy named AJ-"

"That's the guy he got pissed off about.. remember mom" Seth interrupted. Both parents shot him a look and he shut up.

"Turns out, that AJ and Dawn were driving while they were drunk… they had an accident… they hit another car."

"Are they okay?" Kirsten asked.

Seth knew where this was going.

"AJ just had a few cuts and bruises. He was wearing a seatbelt… Dawn wasn't. She… died at the scene" Sandy swallowed.

Seth sat back in to the chair, taking a deep breath and letting it out through his mouth.

Kirsten looked shell shocked.

"How'd Ryan take it?" Seth finally asked, worried about Ryan. He knew the guy wouldn't take this well, wouldn't talk about it.

"He… well.. he took it like anyone would take it" Sandy finally replied.

"He.. no, he didn't.." Seth looked at his dad, "He didn't cry.." Seth was shaking his head back and forth.

Sandy's eyes said everything.

"I need to talk to him.. I need to –" Kirsten began.

"I think that… maybe Ryan should have some time alone.. he's been through a lot today… he just needs some rest."

"Seth, it's time for bed, your father and I need to talk"

Seth didn't fight back, didn't say a word. He trudged up the stairs, aware that he couldn't be feeling even half of what Ryan was feeling right now.

He knocked on the door, lightly. No reply. Again. Nothing. Seth continued on his way.

…………………….

Ryan stared at the inside of his eyelids, willing his head to stop spinning. Willing his stomach to stop entering his mouth.

He had heard whom he assumed was Seth knocking at the door, but didn't feel like talking. He ignored it and continued fighting back the waves of sleep.

He didn't deserve to sleep in peace. His mother had died tonight. She was gone, forever. No longer a part of his life. No longer a reminder of his past.

And AJ had done it. He knew, he knew deep down AJ was lying to the cops. He also knew they would be conducting an investigation in to it now. He knew… he hoped, that AJ would rot in jail.

On the other hand, if AJ was not put in jail… Ryan could think of much sweeter revenge. He knew that, no matter how strong AJ was, Ryan's anger could carry him through the fight. He would win, he could win.

Either way, justice, he supposed, would be served.

Ryan just wasn't sure at this point whether he wanted the judicial system to do it, or whether Ryan wanted a shot.


	6. Dealing

A/N: uhm, okay, so I know I've made quite a few typos, and sorry to those of you who noticed... anyways, they're fixed now. At least, I think they're fixed now.Anyways, enjoy the story guys... please R&R, it makes me happy...

**Facing the Past**

Chapter Six

Sandy and Kirsten sat in silence for nearly ten minutes after Seth left. Kirsten was staring at the couch, picking off little balls of fabric. Sandy just stared out the patio doors.

"So.." Kirsten finally broke the silence.

Sandy looked at her, slowly. "There's more."

Her face fell.

"I know, I know, last thing we need right now, but this is important. Ryan's history here… well it's not perfect.."

"No, but it's better.. we're not getting rid of him, Sandy"

Sandy shook his head, "No.. no, I know.. but we might not have that choice"

She waited for more of an explanation, her stomach tightening in to knots.

"Along with filing a police report, the nurse was kind enough to let me know that they also called in Child Services… there's going to be an interview some time in the near future, to see exactly how Ryan's adjusting to… well Newport"

Kirsten didn't see a problem, "So we tell them he's adjusting… and that he's doing better… we tell them that we love him Sandy!"

Sandy shrugged, "I just.. with his record.. and now this.. I'm not sure if they're going to see our side of this. They might believe that Ryan is better of serving his remaining time in Juvie, then send him off to a group home with a parole officer. They might think he needs more discipline, that we can't control him"

"But.. I mean… he listens to us Sandy! He really does, it's just that –"

Sandy reached over, taking his wife's hand and squeezed it gently, "I know Kirsten. We all love Ryan, I even think he's starting to like it here, but right now this is out of our hands… we knew that if he did something wrong he could be taken from us… he knew that too, but he still took the risk."

"Have you told him yet?"

Sandy shook his head, "I figured that… well he had enough to think about right now."

"Do you think we should?"

"I think he has the right to know.."

"It would upset him… We have the right to choose what we tell him, right? I mean, we're his parents"

"I think Ryan considers himself his own parent… probably since the age of seven."

"I wouldn't know" Kirsten admitted.

Sandy looked at her, inquisitively.

"I mean that.. well he won't talk about his past. I'd like to know more about him, what sports he played, what he did when he was a kid…"

"I think we'd all like to know that"

"But don't you know? We never talk about him Sandy, what was in that client file anyways?"

Sandy shrugged, "Not much, they don't list anything that doesn't pertain to his record, I mean, it says he was abused, and from living in Chino we know it was rough, but.. it doesn't say much else."

Kirsten sighed, "We could tell him in the morning, maybe after we get some sleep?"

Sandy nodded, "In the morning" he whispered.

…………………………..

As it turned out, morning for the Cohen household was well after lunch. Slowly they all filed in to the kitchen, stomachs rumbling.

Ryan was the last one to enter, his hair in every which direction, clothes rumpled. The bruises had started to form more so now, the healing process had begun. He raised his right hand in a gesture that was to mean 'hey'.

"Morning" they all replied at once.

"How are you feeling?" Kirsten asked, after a beat. The rest of them stared, waiting.

Ryan raised his head slightly, looking up from the floor… he shrugged.

Kirsten and Sandy shared a look.

"I made you breakfast buddy" Seth said, offering him a bowl of captain crunch. "Mom was gonna do it but.. well.."

Ryan studied him, "Seth, it's cereal"

"Best I could do on short notice, plus, Chinese should be here in like, half hour."

"Uhh.." Ryan falters, he looked down at his broken arm, thinking of the little boxes it came in."

"Oh.. Ryan I'm so sorry, I wasn't even thinking.. I can call and cancel, we'll find-"

"It's fine" Ryan interrupted, "I could just.. dump it out on a plate.. no big deal.."

Kirsten bit her lip, jumping when the phone rang.

Sandy grabbed it first, "Hello?"

"Oh, hi Dr. Kim… yes.. yes I am aware that they're both missing school today… it was a late night… in the hospital you know"

He listened for a moment, then "No, no, we're all okay, Seth will be in school tomorrow… and we'll see about Ryan… sorry for not calling..okay..bye"

Sandy looked up at Ryan, "you're favourite stalker" he shrugged, "Taken care of, she said she'd talk to both your teachers about work assignments"

Ryan nodded together with Seth, spooning in his cereal. He was starving.

The doorbell rang then, "No rest for the wicked" Sandy commented as Kirsten ran for the door.

"It's probably just the food" she remarked as sh left.

When she came back, however, she shrugged, "not food, visitors, for you two" she nodded to them, "I didn't know if you wanted any, Ryan.. so I.. I just asked them to wait a minute."

Ryan took a tally of himself, unsure whether he particularly wanted anyone to see him like this. The Cohen's reaction was bad enough.

"I'm… not sure if that's the best..thing" Ryan mumbled.

Seth shook his head, "Ryan, Ryan… you have a chance to be completely basked in attention from the people you love, and you're ignoring the opportunity!?"

Ryan glared at him. "I don't know about you, Seth, but I wouldn't want to see someone I love look like this"

Seth looked as though he'd been slapped, he turned to Kirsten, "Just send 'em in mom"

Ryan grunted and began to refuse.

"You're gonna have to see them sometime Ryan, may as well get it over with"

Ryan eyed him, then looked at Kirsten, "Whatever" he told her, going back to his cereal.

Kirsten faltered for a moment, then went to let them in.

Ryan bit his lip in anticipation, then turned to Sandy about to ask him something, when Kirsten came back in to the kitchen, followed by Marissa and Summer.

"Holy… Chino, what the hell happened to your face?" Summer was the first to speak.

"Way to play it cool" Seth shot at her.

"Shut up, Cohen" she warned.

"Right, rage blackouts…" he smiled.

"Ryan.. what.. who..?" was all Marissa could get out.

Marissa felt her insides twisting at the sight of Ryan. She felt like crying, and wished she could take away his pain.

From what she could see, there was a lot of it. His arms was broken, there was a deep gash on his head, bruises all over his face, one very blackened eye.

Ryan looked away from her, shamefully. Maybe this.. hadn't been such a great idea. Letting them in.

"Well, we know why they weren't in school now, don't we Coop, can we go shopping now?"

Marissa glared at Summer, who jut out her chin in an attempt to pout, but studied Ryan curiously. "You get hit by a truck?" she asked him.

Ryan curled up his lips, then blew out a breath, "I don't really want to.. talk about it"

"Well.. we do, right Marissa?" Summer shot her best friend a look.

Marissa shrugged, "I guess we could.. talk about it later…" then shot Ryan a look that said, '_we will be talking about this later_."

"So.. we brought you guys your school work.. Dr. Kim hunted us down and asked us to… we figured we'd be stopping over anyways.."

"Did you want to stay for dinner?" Kirsten asked.

Both girls shook their head, "We actually have to get going… my dad's expecting us for dinner" Marissa replied, "But uh.. Ryan, could I swing by later? We could.. talk?"

Ryan was well aware this meant talk about what the hell happened to him, but he guessed there was no escaping it. It felt weird having to explain these types of things to people… people who cared about him. His mom.. she had never cared…

Ryan felt his eyes start to water, he quickly looked back down at his cereal, "later's fine" he replied, not looking up again until they had both gone.

"I'm going to go to my room, lay down a little, I'm… tired.. and I have schoolwork to catch up on…and I'm not hungry" he replied.

"Only one excuse needed" Seth commented as Ryan stood, emptied his bowl an left the kitchen.

"Well that was awkward" Sandy finally commented.

"Probably not as awkward as he felt" Kirsten pointed out.

……………………………..

Ryan sat at his desk, trying to look over the work for the day, but couldn't get his eyes to focus. They were blurry again.

Damn it, he was crying again. What the hell is wrong with me? He wondered.

He set his head down on the hard desk, tilting it to the side so there would be no pressure on the cut on his forehead.

And it came to him. The crash. They had hit another car. He knew how AJ was, the lucky bastard. And well, he knew how Dawn was.. but what about the people in the other car? How many had there been? Had any.. ended up like his mother?

And suddenly Ryan just had to know. He had to find out everything he could about what happened, where it happened, when, how. Who was involved. He had to know everything.

He needed the newspaper. The one in the kitchen where everyone else was.

He stood, pushing back his chair and walking across the stretch of yard to the main house. They all looked up when he entered, "I need the paper" he muttered, "School project"

"You take media?" Seth asked.

Ryan didn't reply, but grabbed the paper still bundled in a little blue bag, and headed back out of the kitchen.

Seth looked at his parents. "He doesn't take Media studies… why would he need the paper?"

Kirsten shot him a look, "Does it matter, maybe he just.. wants to get his mind off things."

"I'm not so sure" Sandy commented, "The accident would be in today's paper." He explained.

"What should we –"

"Nothing.. we can't just go and take the paper back.. let him read about it, maybe it'll help him… come to terms with the whole thing."

……………………………..

Ryan stared at the paper. He'd taken it out of it's protective wrapping, but had yet to unfold it.

He had to know.

He opened it, scanning the pages for any signs of the accident. Usually gruesome accidents were covered on the first page.

Nothing. He turned the page.

Nothing. Again.

There. It was a small column on the left hand side of page five. Apparently accidents in Chino weren't front page news in Newport.

After all, who cared about Chino?

Ryan read it through, then again. He couldn't stop staring at the article. It made it real. Until now, it was almost.. a dream. Like maybe something he could wake up from, escape from. But now here it was in black and white.

**3 Dead After Fatal Collision**

Three people are dead after a fatal collision in Chino last night.

The accident, police say, was caused when a vehicle swerved in to oncoming traffic late last night. Dawn Atwood, the driver at fault was D.U.I. and died at the scene. Her passenger, yet to be named, escaped with minor cuts and bruises.

Unfortunately for a family of four, they were not quite so lucky. Rae Symington, 43 and her daughter April, 3, both passed away later at Canyon Ridge Hospital in Chino.

Rae and April leave behind Phillip, husband and father, 47 as well as Josh, son and brother, 7. Occupants of both vehicles were residents in Chino.

Either family has yet to announce when their memorial services will be held, but donations can be made to The Cancer Society in memory of Rae and April by calling 1-800-ACS-2345.

………………………….

Ryan carefully ripped out the small column, placing it under his textbooks. He folded the paper back up and found himself staring at the phone.

If only it hadn't rung. If only he hadn't made them drive here. Maybe they wouldn't have been driving at all. Maybe, if he hadn't been desperately clinging to his life here in Newport his mother.. and Rae and April, would still be alive.

Ryan could feel the tears welling in his eyes.

He grabbed the phone, tossing it across the room. Hadn't he cried enough already? What the hell, he asked himself.

Maybe Dr. Kim was right. Maybe he should see a shrink. Maybe they could figure out what the hell was wrong with his head, why he was being this way.

Ryan was from Chino. You didn't.. you couldn't cry in Chino, without getting you ass kicked. You had to be strong, not some Newport wimp. He was turning in to a Newport wimp. A few more months, and he might just be like all these other kids. Partaking in water polo and stupid parties… in beach houses.

Parties you didn't have to pay for a beer.

He'd gone surfing! Was he joking, as if he belonged here, as if he could fit in, live here.

He was from Chino.

Chino kids didn't cry.

They didn't sleep in pool houses.

They didn't have parties in beach houses.

And Chino kids didn't surf.

Chino kids were tough.

Ryan was tough.

He could prove it. He would prove it.


	7. One Less Thing

**Facing the Past**

Chapter Seven

He couldn't remember falling asleep. Couldn't remember why he would even fall asleep, in the middle of the day. But he did remember waking up.

Ryan opened his eyes slowly to find Marissa hovering over him, a worried expression across her face. When their eyes met, she smiled.

"I thought you might be –" she cut herself off, embarrassed.

"Dead?" Ryan asked, raising his eyebrows.

As if an Atwood could be so lucky.

Then again.

Ryan sighed, "I'm sorry, it was just a joke"

"No, no, it's okay… " Marissa said, leaning back and sitting cross legged on his bed.

Ryan pushed himself up using his right arm, slowly. "So what's up?" he asked.

"I.. thought we could, you know, talk about what happened."

Well, at least she was to the point, Ryan thought. "Sure… I guess" he hesitated.

"Look, if you don't feel comfortable telling me.."

"No, it's not you Marissa, I just.."

"You don't like talking" she pointed out.

Ryan smiled softly, silence filling the room for a moment.

"So.. you're okay then?" she finally asked.

"Yea.. I'm fine.. I mean, I'm sure I look worse than I feel" he shrugged.

"I hope so…" she smiled, "because you look horrible"

"I see you missed the class on conversation etiquette when you were little" Ryan joked.

Marissa made a face, laughing. " I see you missed all your classes"

He shrugged, " When you're seven, you just can't pass up a game of ball at the park"

She shook her head slowly, and they both knew what was coming next.

"What did happen.. Ryan.. to you?"

He inhaled deeply, staring at the blankets on the bed, picking off the cotton beads. "My mom happened.." he said, in way of explanation.

She didn't prod him to go further, just listened.

Ryan's mind worked quickly, attempting to process the story while taking out details such as AJ's gun, or his less-than-willing attitude.

"She needed money… to pay off these guys… so.. I ended up giving her all my money from the crab shack. When I made the drop, I guess the guys weren't in such a great mood, cause the next thing I really remember is walking ninety minutes to get to a payphone… and that's the story"

"Are you filing charges? I mean, whoever did this, they should be put in jail"

"Sandy's pressing charges, as my guardian"

"You mean.. you don't want to?"

Ryan curled his lips inwards…"That's not.. exactly how things are done in Chino…"

"But you live here now.. for good, don't you?"

"I grew up in Chino, Marissa… I… my whole life until this summer I was raised to deal with things as they came at me… like a man. "Fights…drugs….beatings… when I was younger the police weren't on my side Marissa. We didn't call them when one of us got jumped, we just took care of it ourselves…. "

"But you don't have to hide from them anymore Ryan, this time, you didn't do anything wrong!"

He shook his head, agitated, "There's more to it than that Marissa, you just don't understand"

"Then explain it to me" she told him.

Ryan stood up, quickly, "It's something that you wouldn't understand"

Marissa stood up too, now getting upset, "Not if you won't explain it to me!" she cried.

Ryan could feel his heart thumping loudly, he knew his blood pressure must be rising. And he knew he had to get out. She wouldn't understand. She couldn't understand. She was Marissa. She'd grown up here, in Newport. She hadn't had to worry about bills or her mother's boyfriends or a brother who was nearly getting arrested every other week.

"Don't worry about it!" he finally shot back.

"I want to know"

"I don't want you to know" Ryan stared at her. He knew he'd said something wrong. He could see it in her eyes. The tears that had suddenly sprung from nowhere. The pain written across her face, as if he'd slapped her.

Marissa turned and ran.

Ryan punched the wall with his good hand, causing the drywall to crumble. His knuckled bled.

"Great" he muttered, walking to the washroom. What was one more injury?

……………………………….

Sandy opened the front door, not sure who to expect.

A woman, probably mid-forties, with brown hair tied back stood at the door. She was dressed casually, holding a clipboard.

"Yes?" Sandy asked, a sinking feeling in his stomach.

"You must be Sandy Cohen" she greeted, holding out her hand.

Sandy shook it, "You must be the social worker" he replied.

"Kate" she nodded.

"Come in… " he stepped back away from the door, holding it open for her.

"Thank you, you have a lovely home" she commented.

"My wife's.. well, her dad's, as he so often enjoys reminding me" he smiled.

Kate smiled quickly. Fakely.

Time to lay off the jokes, Sandy told himself.

"Come in and sit down, I'll go hunt everyone down" Sandy told her.

"Thank you" she smiled, following him through the kitchen and in to the sitting room, where she seated herself.

"Kirsten" Sandy knocked urgently on the door.

"Yea?" she asked, leaning back from the desktop of papers piled in front of her.

"We have company" Sandy told her.

"Oh.. " she smiled, then it faltered, "who?"

"Kate…the social worker" he nodded.

"Oh" Kirsten bit her lip. "We haven't even had time to tell Ryan" she pointed out.

"Yea, I know" Sandy told her, "So lets just keep our knowledge to ourselves"

She nodded.

"I'll get Seth.. you go… entertain.. but no jokes, she doesn't seem to like jokes.. or at least not mine"

"That's because you make bad jokes, Sandy" Kirsten pointed out, walking down the stairs.

Sandy knocked on Seth's door lightly, then opened it slightly.

"Seth?" he asked.

"Uh.. yeah?" he asked. Sandy heard him jumping off his bed.

"Uh.. Kate the Social Worker is downstairs… to talk to us about Ryan"

Seth studied his father, "and what would she like to know about him"

Sandy shot him a stern look.

"Okay, be down in a minute, geez"

………………………

Ryan was reading through the newspaper article for the tenth time when his stomach let out a loud growl.

Food. Something he hadn't had much of since…when had he last eaten a proper meal? Ryan couldn't remember.

His mind was muddled with mixed images.

His mother. Marissa crying. AJ. Louis. Marissa again.

He needed food. Food would clear his head.

Ryan opened the sliding glass door, spotting Kirsten sitting in the living room. "Hey, Kirsten, are there any leftovers from dinner?" he asked, closing the door behind him and stepping further in to the room.

Kirsten had company.

"Sorry" he apologized, "I'll just.. I'm going this way" he muttered, thumbing towards the kitchen.

The woman whom Kirsten was sitting with stood, suddenly, her eyes studying Ryan. "I heard there was a fight but.."

Ryan stopped, and turned, shooting Kirsten a glance. She couldn't meet his gaze.

"I'm sorry" the woman apologized, "I'm Kate" she explained.

Ryan raised his eyebrows, prompting for more.

"I'm with Children Services Ryan. They assigned me to your case after your visit to Chino Valley Medical Centre. I'm looking in to your… home situation.

Ryan felt his mouth go dry, and his palms sweat. His home situation?

"so.. do you…enjoy living in the pool house… Kirsten was telling me that's where you sleep"

Ryan didn't like this person. Not because she was a social worker, he'd met plenty of them before. But because she was so goddamn nosy.

He knew the drill.

Ryan put on a bright smiled, "The pool house is great, really, I'm just going to go grab a bite to eat" he turned quickly, rolling his eyes and escaping in to the kitchen.

Seth was taking residence on a stool already.

"Hey buddy.. so.. haven't talked to you in.. well ages" he commented.

"Hey Seth, why is Kate here?"

"Oh, is that her name? I wasn't sure exactly…"

"Seth" Ryan warned

"Man, I don't know.. well, I mean, I do. I'm sure we all do really."

Ryan sat himself on a barstool.

"Anything to eat around here?"

Seth handed him a box of cereal he'd been munching from, "dig in"

"Cocoa Puffs" Ryan said.

"I knew you could read" Seth pointed out.

Ryan smiled. It almost felt… normal. He'd missed Seth's light hearted banter.

"Actually it was a guess" Ryan admitted.

"Well… good guess…next week we'll try you with something harder, like Muslix"

"We have Muslix?" Ryan asked, making a face.

"Mom has Muslix… but we both know mom is a little…strange"

Ryan wrinkled his nose in distaste, "She can't cook, she can't choose cereal…"

Seth slid around on the stool, "She can make houses though" he pointed out.

"Until I burn them down" Ryan shrugged.

"All in good fun… plus, essentially, it was my sleeping bag that caught fire so quickly…if it had been… say some nice wet reeds you'd been sleeping in, probably would have burned down"

"Aren't sleeping bags supposed to be non-flammable?" Ryan asked.

Seth shrugged, "Maybe Sandy and Kirsten rigged it. I knew they were being too pushy for me to go to summer camp"

"Summer camp" Ryan snorted.

"Hey, I didn't go.. well… Sailing camp but-"

Ryan laughed, "You went to sailing camp?"

"Please, Ryan. Years dealing with water-polo jerks… I got enough of it.."

"Sorry.. it's just… I mean in Chino we didn't have anything but Day camp, you know what that was? Designated mom day."

"Designated mom day?"

"The one designated wasn't allowed to drink, and therefore, in charge of the kids."

"Sounds like a ball" Seth shook his head.

"Well.. it was after the designated mom passed out drunk"

"But you said-"

Ryan shot him a look.

"Right. Chino. Buncha bad-asses over there."

Ryan swatted him playfully in the head.

……………………………

"The only reason I bring up the pool house, it because it may just offer Ryan too much freedom, as well as make him feel a little…detached from the rest of the family."

"With all due respect… I'm sure Ryan doesn't feel detached. We make it quite clear he's a part of this family now"

"But does he really understand it? Does he feel it? These are the questions you need, and I need, to ask yourselves. We all want what's best for Ryan here"

"Of course we do.. but I don't think living arrangements are necessarily a concern. He seems to enjoy living out there. He can come and go as he pleases…"

"Have you ever given him a curfew?" Kate asked.

"Well, on school nights we ask both him and Seth to be home for ten. Weekends are situation pending"

"Situation pending?" Kate persisted.

"Ryan's girlfriend, for example, has been having some problems and a few… later nights have been required."

"Has he ever been grounded?"

"He's grounded right now"

"Because of his trip to Chino?" Kate asked.

"No, before that… he skipped a couple classes to do with.. what we told you earlier. Kirsten and I decided it would be best if he were grounded until Saturday"

"And.. what is Saturday?"

"Uh.. Ryan has agreed to see a therapist to help him work through some of his issues"

"And this isn't a… forced agreement?" Kate pursued.

"No, it was brought up and he seemed to go for it."

Kate nodded, seemingly pleased.

"And how is his relationship with your son.. Seth?"

"It's.." Sandy shook his head slowly.

"Not good?" Kate asked.

Sandy laughed loudly, "just the opposite. It's amazing how those two are together. They just seemed to.. to bond instantly. Ryan has really done some great things for Seth, brought him out in to the open a little bit more. Vice versa as well. We couldn't be happier the way things turned out between them."

"Well that sounds very positive" Kate smiled. "If you both don't mind.. I wish to speak with Ryan now.. alone"

Kirsten bit her lip, and Sandy nodded, standing quickly. "We'll get him" Sandy smiled.

"Oh and.. don't forget about what I suggested" Kate added, nodding to the folder in Kirsten's hands.

Sandy looked at Kate, then the folder. "We won't… thanks"

……………………………

"Hey guys, nice of you to join the party, what's going on?" Seth demanded, seeing his parents' faces.

"Uhm, Ryan, Kate would like to speak with you now" Kirsten said.

Without a word Ryan got up and left the kitchen.

"Way to ruin his good mood guys" Seth remarked, "I totally had him going.. we were bonding like two people in the middle of Armageddon"

Sandy shot his son a worried look.

"Not like that" Seth glared back, "But really, we were doin' good, like old time y'know."

……………………………..

Ryan surveyed the woman from behind prior to entering the room. He stood in silence while she went over her clipboard with her pen, then began to study the view through the sliding glass doors.

He cleared his throat and she jumped, turning in her seat.

Ryan smiled, "You wanted to… talk?" he asked.

"Yes.. I would like that… have a seat Ryan" she directed him to the abundance of seating. Like it was her home.

Ryan sat off to the side of her a little, facing the view outside. The Infinity pool. The beach house. The pool house.

She seemed to be waiting for him to say something. He didn't.

"Well then.. I guess you know why I'm here"

"Yep" Ryan told her.

"I'm here for you, Ryan" she told him. "Kirsten, Sandy and I… we all have one thing in common. We all want to see what's best for you"

"Then let me stay here" Ryan said simply, meeting her eyes for the first time.

She seemed surprised at his bluntness. Surprised he was so open. She smiled. "It seems very nice here, doesn't it. Right at the beach… a pool house all to yourself.."

"I told you, the pool house is great. The beach is great. The Cohens are great. Everything is fine, you don't even need to be here."

"If that's the case, Ryan. Why is it that since you've gotten to Newport, you've been in numerous fights… and it says here you may have even burned down a house…"

"The house was before the Cohens took me in for good. So were a lot of those fights" he pointed out.

"But not all of them, right Ryan?"

"No, not all of them.. but what do you expect.. where I come from… I'm not perfect, I can't just change who I am, who I was, overnight"

Kate said nothing, for once.

"Look. Kate you said your name was. I like it here. Things are starting to settle down. I'm happier now than I ever could have been in Chino, why don't you just leave well enough alone?"

"If everything was so great here, Ryan, why did you go back?"

"That was.. it had nothing to do with my life here. That had to do with Dawn"

"And Dawn is your biological mother?"

"Was" Ryan corrected.

She nodded, "How are you dealing with that?"

"I'm dealing"

"Look, Ryan, I can't help you unless you open up-"

"You're not my shrink" he told her.

Kate bit her lip and Ryan leaned his head back in to the cushions.

"I'm sorry" he explained… "Things are just.. they're rough right now. But I'm getting through them, and I know that if I ever need it, Sandy, Kirsten and Seth are right there to help."

"You didn't ask them the other night for help" Kate pointed out.

"I'm learning" he shot back. "Look, this may not mean anything to you, but when I came here, I didn't trust anyone, I didn't even trust myself, my decisions. Now.. in just the few months I've been here, I've learned to trust myself, I'm learning to trust others. It won't come all at once, and I'm not saying I'll never make another mistake… but if you guys take me away now… you're just going to ruin that whole progress, everything I've learned."

"And you've learned…."

"To Trust" Ryan told her, meeting her eyes with intensity. "Trust is the most common necessity for life, and now I have that. I've learned that I have a better chance of making something of myself here than I ever could have had in Chino. I've learned that you don't always have to fight.. and I've learned…. I've learned that family isn't supposed to just give up on you, and pack up the house while you're gone…"

Kate smiled, "You are a very smart young man, Ryan. I have no doubt you will make something of yourself one day."

Ryan gave her his half grin.

"I think that I have everything I need." Kate said, looking down at her clip board. She stood up from the chair, smoothing out her black dress pants. Ryan stood, offering her his hand.

She took it, shaking it firmly, "I hope you heal up soon, I hear you play a hell of a game of soccer" she grinned, walking towards the kitchen.

Sandy stood against the counter, his arms wrapped around Kirsten, Seth was still at the counter and almost fell off the barstool when they both entered.

Sandy eyed her impatiently.

"I'd like to say that you're all doing a great job. I'm recommending that the case be closed again, but I also want you to know that I'm not the last word on this. I just perform the interview and make a recommendation. But I really don't think you guys have anything to worry about.. unless Ryan decided to burn down another house" she winked at him.

"Hey.. we were so just talking about that-" Seth began to babble excitedly.

Kate left shortly after, leaving behind a very happy, very relieved Cohen family. It was one less thing on their plate.


	8. Searching

**Facing the Past**

Chapter Eight

"Sandy?" Kirsten's voice cut through the dark.

For a moment she thought he'd actually gotten to sleep. Until he turned to look at her.

"I… are you…" she stopped.

"The folder?" Sandy asked.

Kirsten sighed deeply. "Yea" she admitted.

"Do you really want to…?"

"She said it might help us.. understand where he's coming from. I want to understand where he's coming from Sandy. I want to help him" she pleaded.

"Yeah… me too" he sighed.

They both shared a look, the light reflecting in their eyes.

"We could.." Kirsten suggested… "I mean.. now"

"It's not like we can sleep anyways… right?" Sandy added.

She smiled wistfully.

Sandy hopped out of bed, closing their door quietly and hitting the light switch on. He opened the top drawer of their night stand, removing a plain thick filing folder.

The tab was labelled 'Atwood, Ryan'. He set it on the bed in front of himself and Kirsten, closed.

"This isn't… wrong is it?" Kirsten questioned.

"I'm sure that… in some way it is but.. we mean well." Sandy pointed out.

"Can you open it, Sandy?" Kirsten asked him.

Sandy reached over and flipped the file folder open. It was time to learn a little more about their son.

……………………………..

Ryan couldn't sleep. He was too busy planning.

Brainstorming.

Somehow.. and he wasn't quite sure how yet, he had to help that poor family. The Symingtons. He needed to tell them that he was sorry. Sorry for everything that had happened, that Dawn had done. That AJ had done.

But how was it, exactly, you were supposed to help someone who had just lost fifty percent of their family?

He needed a plan.

He was no good with plans. They never worked out. And he always seemed to get caught.

Ryan needed Seth.

He scrambled off the bed quickly. This couldn't wait until tomorrow. Seth would understand.

……………………………………..

Seth lay awake, staring out his window in to the night sky. He had an amazing view.. in the daylight hours. You could see the beach and the ocean. The whole backyard.

Right now all you could see was black, minus the slight glow of the light in the pool.

Seth needed a plan.

He had to figure out how he could help Ryan. He needed to show Ryan that, no matter what, he would always be here for him, he would always have his back.

He needed to show Ryan that having him as a brother, was the best thing that had ever happened to Seth.

But how did you help someone that was so closed off, he couldn't cry for his mother? How did you help someone with Ryan's background, who'd lost his father and brother to jail, and his mother to the roadway?

Maybe he could just go… talk to Ryan.

Seth threw back his covers and rolled off the bed quietly, as to not wake his parents.

Walking slowly down the stairs and through the kitchen. This whole sneaking around in the darkness thing was kind of amusing.

Just as he'd finished the thought Seth felt something bang against his shins, and the next thing he knew he was lying face first on the couch.

"Ow" he whispered in to the darkness.

"Seth?" Ryan's voice came from the darkness.

Seth rolled over so fast he flew off the couch, and on to the floor.

"Dammit" he cursed, "Ryan?" he asked back to the darkness.

"Yeah" Ryan replied.

"You're smiling!" Seth pointed out, he could hear it in Ryan's voice, "You're laughing at me and I just like.. smashed my shin to pieces and face planted the floor!"

"Very smooth, Seth. Do yourself a favour and never be a cat burglar" Ryan joked.

"What are you doing up, anyways?" Seth demanded, "You're supposed to be sleeping"

"You are too" Ryan shot back.

"Yeah, well, I as coming to see if you were awake"

"Obviously"

"And what are you doing up?" Seth asked. "Midnight munchies?"

"Actually… I was coming to talk to you?" he sounded embarrassed.

"Aww.. really Ry? I am touched… honestly, I am. Now could you like, uhm tell me if I'm going to walk in to something again?"

There was a soft click, and then Seth was covered in light. He looked up.

"So that's your secret" Seth nodded, "Flashlight, very smooth"

"I find that I run in to less things this way" Ryan joked, offering him a hand up.

Seth took it.

…………………………………

"Look at these test scores, Sandy! They're incredible!" Kirsten pointed out, handing him a sheet.

"Yeah, that I knew, take a look at class marks though" he handed her another paper.

Kirsten made a face, "What is it with boys and trying? Really!"

"We don't like people having high expectations" Sandy teased.

"Is that why you still leave the seat up.." she countered.

"Of course"

Kirsten reached over and smacked him playfully.

"It says here that our Ryan.. enjoyed school plays when he was younger" Sandy read out loud. It was a report done by a case worker some odd years ago.

It covered the child's interests and responses to questions to measure stability and mood.

"Soccer and baseball too" Kirsten pointed out.

"His favourite book was Shiloh" Sandy snickered.

"What's so funny about that?" Kirsten demanded, "That was my favourite book too!"

Sandy shrugged, "I don't remember reading anything past the age of six, really" Sandy admitted.

"Everything seemed so… normal for him until… what grade is this, can you read that?" Kirsten pointed to a small box.

"I think it's a three"

"Grade three" Kirsten sighed. "He had a few good years as a child and then…"

Sandy sighed.

"Sandy, I don't think I want to… to see anymore. There's just some things… some things that I'm not sure I want to know he went through. I'm not sure if I could look him in the eye if I saw everything."

"No, I agree. It doesn't matter anyways. Ryan is Ryan. We love him, and that's that. We don't need to know everything about him."

Kirsten nodded, throwing the sheets back in to the folder. Social worker interviews, therapist interviews, teacher statements, treating doctor statements and pictures…she shoved them all back in to the folder and handed it to Sandy, who promptly tossed the pile of paper in to the fire place logs.

He shot a look at Kirsten and she nodded.

Sandy flipped the switch on, watching Ryan's past burn away.

It didn't matter anyways now. He was here with them.

…………………………………..

They both ended up at the beach.

It had begun as a walk, them just chatting the time away, and eventually they had found direction. Now they were sitting in the sand, listening to the waves lap up towards their feet.

"I think I have sand in my underpants" Seth remarked.

Ryan eyed him quizzically.

"So.. why were you coming to get me, anyways?" Seth managed to finally ask.

Seth had followed his plan. He had chatted Ryan up with witty banter, inserting a few serious remarks here and there.

"I… need a plan. I'm no good with them, I always get caught" Ryan sighed.

"Uh, buddy… I'm not sure if maybe the smoke got to your head but… my last plan resulted in you being arrested and the burning of my mother's house.

Ryan nodded, "Good point"

"Irrelevant nonetheless, I am Seth the Master Planner, how can I help you?"

There was only silence for a few moments, then, "The car, that my mom hit… there was a family in it, two of them died and… and I want to.. to help Josh and Phillip… somehow… but I don't know how.."

"Josh and Phillip?" Seth asked.

"Josh is like, seven, Phillip was the husband of Rae, and April was their daughter."

"I.. get the picture" Seth told him. "So you want to.. help these people, but why?"

"Why did you want to help me? Wasn't that your plan tonight?" Ryan asked him.

"Uhh.. yeah, except that.. my plans are supposed to be like, private, and in my head, that' s just creepy Ryan"

"I'm not stupid Seth. There was intent written all over your face"

"I see.. well, did it work? My plan I mean?"

Ryan chuckled, "Yeah Seth, it worked… I feel loved now, no worries"

Seth began shaking his head, grinning, "Hey, I didn't say anything about love there Ryan.. don't get me wrong –"

Ryan picked up a handful of sand and tossed it at him.

"Oh..oh, now I know there's sand in my pants…"

Ryan grinned, digging out another shell and tossing it back in to the water.

"You know, if you keep doing that the poor sand crabs wont have any new homes to go to."

"Right" Seth continued. "Plan, we need a plan"

"We?"

"Yeah, we. I'm gonna help. We need a plan" he yawned loudly.

"Maybe we should sleep on the plan" Ryan suggested.

Seth checked his watch, " I think I have to concur"

Ryan snorted and got up slowly, trying to stay balanced on the sand with one arm, "concur?" he asked Seth when he was finally standing.

"Yeah, it mean to agree with.. and mom and dad think you're the smart one?"

"You're right, you're much more of a smartass than I am" Ryan taunted.

………………………………


	9. Unexpected

A/N: So.. I realise I've been updating quickly, and I know you all appreciate it, but here's the thing. I start work on Sunday.… so I'm not sure when the next update will be. I'll try and keep going at it, maybe a chapter a day or so, but I really can't promise anything, as I signed my soul over to my workplace. Sorry guys, gotta pay the bills.

………………………………

**Facing the Past**

Chapter Nine

"Well you're in a good mood" Kirsten remarked to her husband sarcastically. Sandy turned to face her, eyeing the kitchen. They were alone.

"I got some news" he told her, nearly throwing his briefcase on to the counter.

Kirsten stopped what she was doing and waited.

"A.J., turns out, has been released, apparently, they have nothing to hold him on as of yet, he got himself a lawyer."

"Sandy.. you're a lawyer"

"I know that" he replied, "But letting someone like.. like A.J. back on the streets? I don't like him Kirsten, at all. From the little things that Ryan lets slip I know there's more to him. I'm even willing to bet that Ryan sugar-coated the whole going to Chino thing for him, and I can't figure out why" he sounded exasperated.

"Uh.. Sandy, I hate to be the Devil's Advocated but… you got Ryan released from juvie after he stole a car… "

"In to our care. And plus, Ryan is a good kid, I knew that when I decided to help him. This is different, this is AJ. Even Dawn said he was no good when she was here" Sandy continued.

"Hey" Ryan greeted from the patio doors, pulling them closed.

He saw Sandy jump about a foot, then noticed hi dishevelled appearance. Like he was angry.

What had he done? Ryan wondered. He tried to figure it out. Maybe they'd found out about Seth and him sneaking out the other night?

"Sorry" he offered. But in his general experience, Sorry was not enough to feed the beast.

Now Sandy looked confused, "Sorry?" he asked.

"Yea.. uhm… never mind" Ryan told him, sitting down at the counter.

"I have to tell you something, Ryan"

Here it comes, thought Ryan. Amidst all this mess that was his life, there was still a lecture from Sandy. He waited.

"AJ called me today" Sandy began, noting that Ryan visibly tensed at the mention of his name. "He says he's been released, the police have nothing to hold him on. He wants to… attend your mother's funeral this afternoon"

Ryan felt his body go numb, which despite the cuts and bruises was not a pleasant thing. AJ wanted to go to his mother's funeral? The one that Sandy and Kirsten had arranged and Ryan had, apparently, forgotten about.

They'd told him this morning, he remembered, after it had been arranged.

His mother's funeral was tomorrow. Then on Saturday, he got to see the therapist.

"Whatever" he said, more or less to clear his mind.

"You.. don't care if he comes?"

"What?" Ryan snapped back to attention.

"AJ?" Sandy asked him, confused now. What had he said 'whatever' to?

"Yea, sure… I mean, a funeral's no place to hold grudges, right?" Ryan forgot why he had come in to the kitchen, so he stood up and left.

"You know Sandy, I think maybe our sixteen year old son just handled this situation more maturely than yourself"

Sandy said nothing, but shot Kirsten a teasing glare. "I just don't want him there" Sandy sighed as Kirsten began rubbing his shoulders.

"Well.. he has as much right in a way to see her off than anyone else, right?… Just don't make a big deal out of it. You don't want him there, don't talk to him. You don't have to be his best friend just because he's the same place as you Sandy"

"I know, I know… you're right" he admitted.

"As always" she inserted, getting a laugh out of Sandy.

"Oh, I almost forgot" Kirsten said, "The police called today about getting an interview with Ryan, and a statement. They wanted tomorrow, but I told them the earliest we could see them was Sunday… they're supposed to be dropping by the house sometime after lunch."

"What a week end. And Ryan's going back to school on Monday?"

"According to him" Kirsten replied, a little defensive, " I think he needs some time to.. get over all of this, accept it… before he goes back to school."

"You know Kirsten" Sandy began, "I think our sixteen year old son is handling this situation more maturely than you" Sandy smiled.

……………………………………

Ryan still had no plan, as to what to do about the Symingtons. He knew that the time to do it would be Saturday, but his therapist appointment was at three in the afternoon.

The paper said that the memorial would begin at eleven. It was enough time, wasn't it? He could get there, maybe do a little recon and figure out how he could help this family.

The trick was, how would he get there, without telling Kirsten and Sandy where he was going?

He could just tell Kirsten and Sandy he had some errands to run, but that he would be at the Therapists by three.

Too bad he was still grounded.

Seth. Seth could drive him, be his chauffeur. But then Ryan highly doubted Seth would want to do that.

He said 'we' Ryan thought, as in 'we' need a plan. He said he would help, and Ryan finally knew how he could help.

……………………………..

Ryan woke from his light slumber as his alarm clock went off. He reached over with his good arm, smacking the thing until it was silent.

Without opening his eyes he knew what day it was.

Friday. Today was his mother's funeral. Today himself and all the Cohens had to drive to Chino to pay respects to someone they hardly knew. Someone Ryan wished he hardly knew.

He cracked open his eyes, unsure of what to expect, and found that today, just as every other day in California, was sunny. A bright blue sky stood and met with the sparkling waters of the Pacific at the horizon.

It seemed so…. Normal.

Like today, to everyone but himself, was just a normal day. No. Life hadn't stopped because his mother had died. The world hadn't been rocked from it's course and ultimately destructed.

The world lived on while he sat on his bed, staring out in to the ocean, thinking about his mom.

It almost wasn't fair. Fair that he had to go through this while everyone else got to carry on as per normal.

Was he ready for this? Ryan asked himself. Was he ready to say goodbye?

It surprised him when the answer came back yes. And then he realised that he had, in fact, been ready to say goodbye since the night Sandy had originally picked him up.

While he had sat, waiting for Sandy to find him after being thrown out of the house, Ryan had had a lot of time to think. He'd been ready, mentally preparing himself to say goodbye.

It was just fluke that Dawn had come back in to his life so many times. He'd been ready when he burned down Kirsten's development and started hitchhiking. Because at that point, standing at the side of the road, Ryan had figured out something.

That he didn't have any family. He had given up on it. When he was leaving Newport, he was on his way somewhere. He didn't know where, just where he wasn't going. Chino was one. Back to Newport was the other.

And look at him now. All because of Luke, the one person who had wanted him here even less than Ryan had originally wanted to be here himself.

Ryan was ready to say goodbye to his mother.

……………………………………

Everything about today had been awkward so far. Ryan waking up had been awkward, to find that the world hadn't stopped over night.

Walking in to the kitchen, and trying to carry on a normal conversation, that was awkward.

To top it all off, the four of them were now stuck in the rover with each other. Awkward was definitely the operative word this morning.

Even Ryan felt awkward, sporting his fresh pressed suit from Kirsten, and a tie. And as some ironic twist of fate, he was dressed like this while going back to Chino. Chino, the city he'd grown up in. The city that wouldn't hesitate to steal the shirt off your back, good shirt or not.

Ryan wasn't sure how much this suit had cost, exactly, but he was willing to bet it was more than his entire Chino wardrobe combined.

The ride was so awkward, that even Seth couldn't make a plausible joke. Instead they were all, a little too intently Ryan thought, studying what they saw out the window.

"Where'd you live, Ryan?" Kirsten asked, trying to make conversation.

Ryan thought of Larch Street and it's run down houses with fenced in yards, then of Newport, he could feel his cheeks begin to flush, "We're in Chino Hills area still" he said, as a reply, then as an afterthought, "The uhm.. nicer part of Chino"

Kirsten let out a surprised, "oh" then studied what was out the windows again.

Ryan watched the streets go by, the houses were drastically smaller than the Casa a Cohen. As time went on, they got smaller, more run down. Paint peeled off the sides of the houses, laws were either overgrown with weeds or a dustbin. Old rusted bikes lay across the front lawns of the dilapidated little shacks.

Ryan sighed and turned his head, pressing it back against the seat.

This was his neighbourhood now. When the houses were gated in with rusty steel fencing, the lawns were covered in rejected furniture and every other minute Sandy thought he would lose the rover to a pothole in the street.

"Is it… foggy?" Seth asked, rubbing his eyes.

"The way it always is" Ryan replied.

"Oh" Seth said, refraining from rubbing them any longer.

Awkward.

Ryan knew his old house was coming up shortly. His mom was being buried at the cemetery a few blocks down.

A place where Ryan and his friends used to play.

Theresa, he remembered.

"Sandy, could we uh.. can you…stop, for a minute?" Ryan asked suddenly. Aware that the air around him felt like it was smothering him.

Sandy obliged, pulling over to the side of the road.

Right in front of Ryan's old house. Sandy was no idiot.

"Be right back" Ryan said, letting out a breath. He jumped from the car and walked not to his house, but the one next door. He knocked on the steel grating, waiting for the footsteps to get closer.

The door opened.

"Ryan?" a voice asked.

"Uh, hey" Ryan said. He hadn't seen her since Thanksgiving.

"What are you doing here?!" Theresa cried, throwing open the door to embrace him, "No girlfriend this time?" she asked, looking to his side.

"She's back in Newport.. I just came by for the… you know"

Theresa nodded, "Everyone knows Ryan, about your mom and about Louis… My mom and I are just on our way there actually… black dress can't you tell?"

"You always liked wearing black, I'd never know" Ryan shrugged.

"So are those the.. your family?" Theresa nodded her head towards the waiting rover.

"Uhm.. yea.. so, I guess I'll meet you there.. at the.."

"Yeah, mom's coming too.." Theresa told him.

"Well then…"

"We'll be there soon, I think we're just going to.. walk probably. Car's not running right" Theresa shrugged.

Ryan cast a glance at the old yellow convertible that Theresa and her mother used to get to work.

He wondered what would happen if they drove it in to Newport.

"What about Arturo.. can't he fix it?" Ryan asked, immediately knowing it was the wrong thing to say.

Theresa' s eyes fell, the smiled lifted from her face, "He uh..jail" she shrugged.

"Oh" Ryan said quietly.

"So We'll see you there, don't want to keep your family waiting" Theresa broke the silence.

Ryan nodded, backing down the steps. He held his hand up in a small gesture of good bye, then walked to the car.

"Friend?" Kirsten asked when he got back in.

"Uh.. yeah I guess" Ryan replied, casting a glance at his old house.

"What is it with you and the girl next door, Ryan?" Sandy asked light heartedly.

"Next door? You mean you lived-" Seth began, cranking his neck around to see the old house.

"Yea" Ryan interrupted him, timidly.

"So is your friend coming to the.. funeral then?"

"Yea" Ryan replied softly.

Awkward again.

……………………………..

Ryan sat in the car alone, preparing himself to say goodbye. This was it, he thought. He'd been waiting to say it since the Cohens.

Now that the time was here, it wasn't quite so easy.

Kirsten and Sandy had gone to speak with whomever was performing the ceremony. Ryan didn't know exactly who they were speaking to, because he couldn't ever remember attending church, with the Atwoods or the Cohens.

Seth must have realised the Ryan needed some alone time, because he had left shortly after, handing over the keys to Ryan so he could lock up the car when he was finished.

He studied the area they were parked in, having to admit that Kirsten and Sandy had done a good job at finding a location for her burial.

They had found a spot in this small enclosed glen called 'Hope Gardens', almost like a little park, very private. You couldn't even see inside of it from the road, where they were parked.

He owed them both so much. Not just for their money, but their time and patience with him. He knew it couldn't be easy… dealing with him on a day to day basis. Never knowing when Ryan could end up in jail or taken away.

He wondered if their nerves were always on edge, just as his were when ever a potential risk situation came in to hand.

Ryan spotted Theresa and her mother arrive, hand in hand, they walked in to the small enclosure where the Cohens had disappeared in to.

AJ would be in there, Ryan told himself. He felt hi knuckles tense, nerves on edge. You can just ignore him, Ryan thought. Just.. don't pay any attention to him and it will all go well.

Ryan sighed, opening the door to the Rover and stepping out in to the hazy sunshine. He locked the Rover with the keypad and winced when the confirming chirp rang out across the cemetery.

The walk to the path seemed like a long one, but really only consisted of what Ryan guessed was fifty feet of space. He then turned on to the small path that would lead him in to the enclosure and followed the sounds of hushed voices to where his mom would be laid to rest.

He kept his head down, only looking up enough so that he wouldn't fall and ruin Kirsten's.. his.. suit, until the quiet whispering stopped.

Ryan looked up and found everyone staring at him. His eyes made it around the circle and then his body froze, as though struck with a sudden case of rigor mortis.

He couldn't swallow.

He couldn't breath.

Ryan couldn't even move his feet to take him away from here.

Which was where he wanted to be.

Far, far away from here.

Ryan didn't want to be anywhere near Trey and his Father.


	10. Battle Scars

**Facing the Past**

Chapter Ten

There, in the midst of a small but surprising crowd, stood his father in an orange jumpsuit wearing cuffs on his wrists. He was escorted by two prison guards, Trey was in a similar fashion, baring one guard.

It was Theresa who walked over to him first, putting a hand on his shoulder. Of course it would be Theresa, they'd been best friends, and then some, for years.

Her deep understanding brown eyes met his hurt blue-grey ones, almost like silent understanding passing between them.

Ryan could breath again.

He could deal with this.

The same way he was dealing with AJ. Ignorance.

He nodded slightly to Theresa, his signal that he was okay, and walked over to the Cohens where Kirsten took his hand and squeezed it.

Sandy stood, rock solid, by his family, shooting daring glances around him. Seth, of course, stood awkwardly at Ryan's side, without a word.

"If everyone is here now, I will begin" the minister said from his position at the head of the group.

Ryan studied the ground. Someone had dug a hole in the earth, where his mother's cremated remains would eventually be placed. Felt and silk cloths were placed around the site, more or less hiding the fact that someone you loved was about to be placed six feet under the soil.

What was the big deal, everyone ends up down there anyways, right? Why hide the fact?

Ryan knew he had missed something when suddenly the minister was asking the small crowd around him if they would like to say any words of their own.

He had missed nearly the entire ceremony, lost in the thoughts of his head.

He felt Kirsten squeeze his hand, suggestively and without looking up Ryan shook his head 'no'.

What was there to say about Dawn? Ryan wondered.

You were supposed to say good things at a funeral, right?

Ryan couldn't put his finger on any direct good memories of her.

Of course, he could vaguely remember that at one time or another, they had all been a happy family. Mom, dad, Trey and himself.

But everything he could remember recently may have began okay, but it ended with her drunk or running away. Or both. Like Vegas night in Newport.

But shouldn't he say something?

Did he owe her that?

Dammit! Ryan cursed in his head, why the hell hadn't he thought of this beforehand? Why hadn't he written something down to say? He'd had a couple days to think of something.

Ryan curled his toes, pressing them on the inside of his good shoes.

"I would like to say something" a husky voice spoke from somewhere behind Ryan.

Ryan bit his lip, cringing. He knew that voice. He hadn't heard it in years, but he knew that voice, broken as a result of years of chain smoking.

The feeling of needing n escape filled Ryan again. God he wished Marissa were here, and that she wasn't angry with him.

Marissa could make him feel better about anything.

Especially heights.

"I.. have to go" Ryan mumbled, meeting Sandy's understanding eyes.

He nodded an approval and Ryan slipped away from Kirsten's grasp, weaving his way through the thin crowd of people.

He was done here. He had said goodbye. In his mind. In his heart. He didn't need to be here any longer.

"Where are you going?" a voice asked him. It was gruff.

Ryan didn't reply, instead he dodged around the voice.

Not fast enough. AJ grabbed his shoulder, spinning him around.

"Where are you going?" AJ asked again.

Ryan stared him down, aware that the hate and anger he felt towards AJ right now was seething from him. Obvious for everyone to see.

"Let me go" Ryan replied. AJ didn't lift his hand, so Ryan pulled himself away from it.

AJ grabbed his suit jacket, "You owe Dawn some respect!" he yelled, "We fed you, clothed you, put a roof over your head – "

"And then kicked me out!" Ryan spat, "I don't owe you, or her anything! You didn't raise me, I raised me, the streets raised me! Trey raised me! Theresa and her mom raised me, but you guys." He paused, "Did not!"

Ryan grabbed AJ's wrist, well aware that it was not particularly a well matched fight. After all, AJ had two good arms, Ryan's left one was still broken.

It was that fact that proved to be his failing, because though he grabbed AJ's left wrist in his right hand, AJ still managed to send a fist flying in to Ryan's cheek, hard.

He fell backwards, aware that people around his gasped. Ryan winced, the jolt had hurt his arm, his cheek throbbed. Quickly he pushed himself up to his feet, ready for more when someone else beat him to it.

Sandy Cohen had tackled AJ to the ground, both of them now rolling around in the grass, taking shots at each other.

Ryan stood there shocked for a moment, before he ran over and pulled AJ, who was now on top and straddling Sandy, off with one arm.

Ryan pulled so aggressively that he felt AJ's shirt rip in his hands before he let him fall to his ass.

Kirsten was kneeling beside Sandy now, Seth standing nervously at her side, eyeing Ryan and AJ.

Ryan stood over AJ who was looking up at him with distaste. But there was something else there now, something the anger was masking. Fear.

"Get out of here!" Ryan spat at him, "And if you ever come near my family again, I'll kill you"

AJ raised himself from the ground and angrily stalked out of the small enclosure that formed 'Hope Gardens'.

Ryan made sure Sandy was okay, which he was, and told them he would meet them at the car.

Seth paused with his parents for a few moments before following Ryan.

……………………………………

"Hey Atwood, I heard your mom's funeral was today" A voice rang out from behind him.

Ryan stopped, glancing over his shoulder.

"Wonderful, just what I need" Ryan muttered to himself.

"Hey Louis, so nice to see you again" Ryan stated sarcastically.

"Know what else I heard?" Louis asked.

"That you were a mistake?" he taunted, angry.

When Ryan was angry, rational thought didn't apply to him. Right now was no different. Somewhere, inside him, Ryan wanted this fight to happen, wanted to revert back to when things were simply solved with a fight.

Louis ignored him for a moment, "We heard that you were thinking of narcing on us"

Ah, shit. Ryan thought. We?

He felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Would a Chino guy do that?" Ryan asked, blatantly.

"No, but you aren't part of Chino anymore Atwood… you're a Newport bitch now."

Two strong arms grabbed him from behind, twisting his already broken arm. Ryan winced, letting out a hiss of pain.

Louis had only gotten a few punches in when Ryan heard another voice interrupt.

"Hey!" Seth cried, then stopped. What else was there to say, really?

The guy holding Ryan dropped him to the ground. "Seth" Ryan yelled out, tasting blood in his mouth, "Go back". But Ryan knew from the look in his eyes that Seth Cohen was willing to fight for him, just as Ryan had for Seth before.

Ryan received a jolting kick to the ribs and stomach from Louis. He attempted to roll away from the attack, unfortunately his broken arm disabilitating him in more than one way.

"Think before you narc bitches" Louis laughed, spitting on Ryan.

It was over, Ryan breathed. Or tried, anyways, but the pain in his chest caused him to gasp in sharp, shallow breaths of air.

"Seth?" he asked, managing to roll himself to his knees.

"Yeah, buddy?" Seth's voice came back.

"You okay?" he caught a glimpse of his best friend and brother.

"Hmmm.. I wonder how many days of rest mom will give us for this?" Seth smiled at the thought.

Ryan rolled his eyes, crawling painfully over to him. "You gonna get up, or sit on the ground all day?"

"The ground is a friendly place to be, Ryan. You don't have to move, and you get a pretty nice view" he waved his arm in front of him.

Simply by looking at him, Ryan figured that he himself had probably gotten the majority of the beating. Seth probably had a black eye and maybe some bruised up cheekbones, but he seemed to be breathing okay.

"Your chest hurt?" Ryan asked him.

"Naw, they got my stomach" he shrugged, just took my breath away." He studied Ryan, "You know what, you look like shit.. again" he pointed to Ryan's forehead, "I think they ripped your stitches.."

Ryan shrugged, then pushed himself up off the ground, holding out his god arm for Seth.

"I'm okay, I can get up… it's all good" Seth mumbled, more to himself than anyone.

Together they made their way to the Rover and leaned against the front, hidden from the view of anyone leaving the procession.

"So.." Seth started.

"So" Ryan replied, staring at the ground.

"They seemed pretty… angry"

Ryan snorted, "They always are, always were. In Chino, Seth, anger helps you survive."

"Uh, yeah, so I noticed today" Seth remarked.

"Sorry"

"Bout what?"

"All this" Ryan gestured. "Your dad and… Chino.. Louis.."

"Look Ryan, dad's fine, and it was his choice to like, jump AJ anyways… and as far as Louis and his pals go, they can kiss my white Newport ass cause we are so having them arrested for this"

Ryan shot him a furtive sideways glance.

"Aren't we?" Seth asked, looking for an answer.

Ryan licked his lips, making way to say something, but then stopped.

"Ryan, come on, I men, they just kicked your ass for the second time, and you're gonna let them get away with it?!"

"Seth, you don't understand –"

"Bullshit, Ryan. Bull. Shit. I understand perfectly. You're gonna tell me that this is the way things work in Chino, that you have to be like, a man and deal with it on your own. Muscles over brains. It's bullshit. They broke the law, twice. They should go to jail. It's simple as that. And if you can't grasp that thought Ryan, you're a lot stupider than I thought"

Ryan stood quietly for a moment. Maybe it was time he began to trust others. Let people around him in, let them help him out.

"You're right" Ryan finally said after a beat.

Seth patted him on the shoulder, "See, I knew you'd come around. But really, Ryan, you don't have to deal with everything on your own. That's what family's for, you know."

"So I'm told" Ryan replied.

"Give us a chance, we'll prove it to you"

"No worries Seth, one day I will. You rocked by the way.. totally had my back there"

"Uh, yeah. You're my brother!"

Ryan laughed, stopping quickly as it hurt his chest.

"You think your parents are gonna be done soon?" Ryan asked him.

"Our parents, Ry. And yes, they told me they'd just be a few minutes. Because they arranged this they need to be the last ones to leave. Some courtesy thing or whatever."

"Great" Ryan stated, "Cause I think my ribs are broken again"

"Hey.. we're guys, right?" Seth asked.

Ryan stared blankly at him.

"Guys like fights, they like their battle scars… do you think Summer will like my battle scars?" Seth questioned.

Ryan shot him another patented look.

"You know, I think she will… how black is my eye Ryan?" he asked, excited.

He couldn't hold back anymore, and let out a laugh, "It's black Seth, no worries..and hey, in a few days it'll be even worse…"

"Really?"

Another look.

"Just trying to make conversation Ryan, really, you could be a little more helpful you know"

A look.

"So you think she'll really like it? Cause if she likes mine man, I bet you can't wait to see Marissa!"

Ryan looked at the ground.. "Actually uh.."

"You had another fight, didn't you?" Seth asked him.

Ryan nodded.

"Over what?"

"I… really don't remember… something about Chino.. and explaining…" he shrugged.

"You gonna make up with her?"

"I really don't think she wants to.. she was really pissed when she left"

"Ah, Ryan. Girls are different than us simpletons. When they're mad, they want to be chased."

"Even when they walk away?" Ryan asked pointedly.

"Especially when-"

"Hey guys" Sandy's voice called out from behind them, "Why are you hiding over there?"

Seth and Ryan shared a glance, pushing themselves from the hood of the Range Rover and walking to the side of it.

"Your mom's on her –" Sandy stopped, mid-sentence and eyed them both up and down.

"Nice shiner, dad" Seth commented on the black eye AJ had given to him.

"Not nearly as nice as your two's. What the hell happened here, you were out of my sight for ten minutes!"

"Uh, dad" Seth interrupted his rant before it got too carried away, he shot a pointed look at Ryan, who's head was hanging, studying the ground, "Let's talk about this later"

"Was it AJ?" Sandy demanded, noticing that Ryan flinched.

"Dad" Seth warned.

"You're mom's going to kill you two, you know that –"

"Why would I kill them" Kirsten asked, coming up from behind Sandy.

Ryan bit his lip, not looking up, but it needn't matter as Seth stood proudly showing off his new battle scars.

"They got Ryan in the head again too, his stitches are messed up"

Ryan sighed, "Thanks Seth" he commented.

Seth, ignoring the sarcasm patted him lightly on the back, "No problem Ryan" he looked at his parents, "Can we go now?"

"What happened?" Kirsten finally blurted out, grabbing Seth's face and studying his injuries.

"Mom… " Seth complained, she moved on to Ryan, taking his face the same way she'd taken Seth's and gently pulled it up.

A small gasp escaped her throat,

"I'm okay, really" Ryan rushed out, "Looks worse than it is"

"Who did this to you guys?" she asked Ryan, still holding his face.

Ryan darted his eyes, avoiding looking at hers.

"Louis" Sandy guessed.

"Mmm, you know, I forgot to take his name while they were beating the crap out of us dad, I don't know" Seth's sarcasm was in full swing now.

"You're both going to the hospital" Kirsten said, letting go of Ryan now.

Ryan and Seth glanced at each other, then got in to the Range Rover.

"Who has my keys? Sandy asked, seated behind the wheel now.

Ryan dug them out of his pocket and handed them up front where Sandy took them, then paused.

"If you had the keys, why didn't you two just sit in the Rover and wait for us"

_I didn't want to get blood on the seats_ Ryan thought, but instead said " Needed to cool down"

Seth smiled at him knowingly, nodding his head, "I knew you wanted to show off those battle scars buddy…"

Sandy slowly pulled away from Hope Gardens with Ryan staring out the window. They passed Theresa and her mother who were walking back, holding hands. Theresa looked up, noticing Ryan through the window. She waved goodbye, pausing midstep.

Ryan put his finger tips on the glass, his version of goodbye.

They passed one large white van, the windows at the back meshed, Trey and his father being led back in to it. Their ride home, to jail.

A ball of saliva descended Ryan's throat and hung there, unmoving. His hands clenched tightly, his palms sweaty.

He almost asked Sandy to stop the car. Almost. But they kept driving. Past the hundreds of tombstones and out the gates of Arlington Cemetery. Out on to Larch street, where Ryan had once lived a not-so-happy life.

They passed by dilapidated housing and broken down cars, people living their beat up tired lives, full of no hope. On their way, again, to Chino Valley Medical Centre.

Ryan couldn't believe that he had to come back here tomorrow, to find the Symingtons.

……………………………..


	11. Back to Chino

**A/N: **_Hey guys, sorry it took so long to get this chapter up. I've been kind of stuck on the story and to top it off I've been working twelve hours days. Anyways, thanks to all those who reviewed. Hopefully I'll have the next chapter up tonight or tomorrow... day off ;)_

**Facing the Past**

Chapter Eleven

The Cohens and Ryan finally arrived back in Newport around eleven at night, the California sun had long since been extinguished.

They were tired, sore and, in Sandy and Kirsten's cases, a little cranky.

After all, attending your foster son's mother's funeral to have both of your sons beat up, and then wait in the hospital for hours because the injuries were not considered an emergency was not an ideal way to spend a Friday night.

Seth could sense it, and stayed quiet. Ryan was just always quiet. So Kirsten and Sandy steamed quietly in the front seat of the Rover all the way back to Newport.

"Acceptance is the next step, right?" Seth leaned over to Ryan.

Ryan, who was looking out the window smiled slightly, "I'll ask my therapist tomorrow" he shot back.

"I would laugh and clap, because of your joke and all Ryan, but they might..hurt me" he nodded up front.

Ryan gave him a look, causing him to fall silent. Ryan needed some more time to work out exactly how he was going to ask Seth about tomorrow, nevertheless get him to ask Sandy and Kirsten for the car.

They'd probably think the two of them were going back to Chino to pick a fight.

Chino.

It seemed like forever ago already, that he was there saying goodbye to his mom.

He checked his wrist out of habit, looking for the time on a watch that had been broken in the first fight.

He leaned to the side, checking the time on the radio. It had only been five hours or so.

…………………………………….

"so.." Seth let out, from across the pool house.

Ryan looked up at him from the bed where he sat, "what?" he asked.

Seth's eyes bulged, "What? You ask me to come in here so you can talk to me, and all I get is a 'what'?"

"Yea… so…" Just ask, he told himself. " I was wondering if you could do me a favour tomorrow"

"Ryan, no offence and all, I love ya as my brother, as a friend, but I'm not burning down Dr. Landoll's office"

"Dr. Landoll?" Ryan asked stupidly.

Seth studied him in amusement, "Your therapist… ringing any bells?"

"Right, no, not that. I need you to drive me somewhere"

Seth folded his arms, "Why me?" Seth asked.

"Kirsten and Sandy trust you… well mostly… but they trust you more than me to have the car out"

"They won't let you miss your appointment. You agreed Ryan"

"No, I'll be back for that… it's just, something else I need to do" Ryan replied, a picture of a grieving husband in his mind's eye.

"And where are we going, on this little.. excursion of ours?"

Ryan hesitated, "Chino"

Seth nodded his head, "so you want us to be killed this time.. or what?"

"Nothing like that, we won't even see Louis I swear"

"So that is his name" Seth commented.

"Seth" Ryan warned.

"Fine… where should I tell Kirsten and Sandy we're going?"

He shrugged, "dunno, need your help on that, too"

"Well that's an easy one" Seth teased him, "I hate to take your mom's name in vain, but you could always tell them you want to give her a proper goodbye.. instead of.. well today"

"Good idea" Ryan told him, getting up from the bed.

"Whoa, whoa.. where are you going?" Seth demanded.

"To.. go ask them if we can go"

"Not after we've been in here talking all this time… sleep on it Ryan.. or at least pretend to"

He stopped, then sat back down on the bed.

"So what's happening in Chino?"

"How's you eye?" Ryan asked, changing the topic.

"Hey, I'm not like mom and dad here Ry, you can't get away with it that easy. I want to know what I'm helping you with, I said I'd help and here I am helping… but what am I helping with Ryan?"

Ryan studied Seth, his arms crossed and chin jut out stubbornly, waiting for an answer.

He began to explain.

………………………………..

"It worked" Ryan breathed as him and Seth pulled away from the gated entrance.

"Of course, all my plans work" Seth put in.

Seth turned to glance at Ryan, who was eyeing him.

"Okay.. maybe not all of my plans" Seth stated, thinking back to the model home incident.

Seth turned back to the road.

"You know the way?" Ryan asked him.

Seth pointed at a small screen inlaid on the consul, "that's what the GPS lady is for" he replied, smiling.

……………………………..

As they pulled up to Arlington Cemetery Ryan could feel a sense of dread in the pit of his stomach.

He checked the time, it was ten to eleven or so. With Seth driving it had taken nearly an hour to Chino.

"You… can you just wait here?" Ryan asked

"Yeah, cool." Seth replied. The silence between them for the past half hour or so had been tense.

Ryan stepped out of the Rover and on to the curb, attempting to straighten his suit jacket, which he'd chosen to wear minus the tie simply because he didn't know what else to wear.

"Have fun" Seth called before he shut the door, an as Ryan paused thinking about the odd statement Seth began to babble.

"No.. not fun.. I mean why would you have fun right? So.. good luck" he nodded, "Good luck is something that works… to say I mean"

"Bye Seth" and he closed the car door.

Now he had to find where this funeral was being held, and attempt to be unseen.

……………………………….

The service was nice, Ryan thought. Better than his mother's, for obvious reasons. Apparently fist fights and shouting were not normal things to do at a funeral, however tears did seem to work.

And although Ryan had, so far, successfully been invisible to the family counterparts he was not ready to dwell out tears for someone he didn't know. He didn't even cry for himself. Often.

The husband and young boy had stood at the head of both caskets, one large and one small, the entire time. The little boy did not cry, did not flinch. The husband had, while holding the boy's shoulders tightly.

He was just about to leave when someone touched his shoulder softly. Ryan turned quickly, expecting to find an impatient Seth, but instead found an elderly woman wearing a typical black dress. Her face was overly made and mascara streaks ran down her face.

She didn't even wait for Ryan to speak, to apologize for intruding.

"I'm sorry dear… I can't remember your name… I'm not good with names you know, but I do remember your face"

My face? Ryan thought. How could this woman know his face, when he had never met her before?

He was going to apologize and leave quickly. He wasn't going to lie. But it just slipped out.

"Ryan, my name's Ryan… I'm from around here and I just thought I'd stop in and… " he couldn't figure out what to say next, but the woman didn't seem to need an explanation.

"Working in the police department Rae got to know a lot of people around here… she was a very kind lady… very caring, wanted to be a cop since she was three, didn't even let her money problems get in the way of her dreams" then she stopped, suddenly, "I'm sorry dear, my name is Carol, I'm Rae's mother." She held out her hand.

"Uh, nice to meet you Carol" Ryan shook her hand. The woman seemed to be searching the group of people for someone.

"Uh, I was.. I'm going to go.. I mean, I don't want to.. interrupt" he finished lamely.

"Oh! No, you can't leave yet. I'm sure that Phillip would love to meet you… hear a story about how you met Rae" she told him, gently dragging him by his arm across the grass to where Phillip stood with Josh saying good bye to people.

Ryan hadn't meant for this. For one small lie to an old woman start snow balling out of control.

"Phillip, dear" Carol greeted him. She let go of his arm and embraced the grieving Phillip in both arms for a long moment.

Ryan found himself looking at Josh, who in turn, was staring back at him.

Maybe he was crazy, but Ryan was pretty sure this little kid in front of him knew what Ryan was doing.

It seemed like hours before Carol and Phillip broke apart, Ryan noticed there were fresh tears in each of their eyes.

"Josh, dear, come give grandma a hug" Carol crouched down, holding out her arms.

Josh didn't move, but was now studying the caskets in which his mother and sister lay.

Carol stood up after a moment, "Phillip, this young man knew Rae from the police station. He just wanted to stop in for a moment and pay his respects but I thought you may want to talk to him. Get the story on another boy Rae helped, who knows, maybe you'll recognize it from the ones Carol would tell at the dinner table"

Phillip turned, slightly nodding his head and offering his hand in a 'hello' gesture. Ryan shook it.

"So, how did you meet Rae? I knew she met a lot of troubled kids in her line of work, but I didn't know she had this much of an affect on them" he attempted a smile.

Suddenly Ryan was overcome with words. Which was a once-in-a-lifetime event for Ryan, because he'd never had so many things to say to one person at one time. Especially someone he didn't even know.

He wanted to tell this man who he really was, where he was from and how he ended up with the Cohens. On the other hand, Ryan wanted to tell him some story made up in the heat of the moment about how his wife was a wonderful person and she had helped him out a lot.

Even though he'd never met her.

"I met her when.." Ryan paused, and Carol put a hand on his elbow again, "It's okay dear, we don't judge here" she told him.

"Mr. Symington, I'm sorry. I've never met your wife, Rae… I… I shouldn't be here I know but… My name is Ryan, Ryan Atwood" he checked the man's eyes that were studying him intently. They showed no sign of recognition at the name 'Atwood'.

"I… Dawn, the woman who.. when she was driving drunk…" he stuttered now, "The woman who killed your wife" he forced out, "I'm her son… I just.. I don't know what I was –"

"Why are you here?" the man demanded, angrily now.

Of course he didn't want anything to do with the child of the woman who had ruined his life.

He said nothing in his defence. He couldn't bring himself to say anything at all, or even utter a sound. He noticed that Carol had taken her hand away from his arm.

"Are you crazy?!" Phillip yelled at him, "You think by coming here you'll fix what your mother did to my wife? To my child? Are you trying to make yourself feel better or something?" he paused, waiting for a reply from Ryan.

A sign. A sound. Anything. It didn't come.

"Get out of here, I don't want to see your face ever again" he spat, his face red.

Ryan backed up a couple steps and brought his gaze down to the ground, walking away.

He hadn't meant for this to happen. He hadn't helped at all, he'd just made things worse. Now not only had he ruined his mother's funeral by being there, he'd ruined the Symingtons' funeral as well.

………………………………

He should have gone back to the car, to where Seth was so he could leave this place for good. But he hadn't.

On the way out, Ryan had changed direction mid-step and headed towards his mother's small grave.

Without the people standing around, and all the pressure of Trey and his father looming over him, Ryan found the small garden-like area very peaceful. Almost… reassuring.

He was so lost in his thoughts that Ryan didn't notice another presence until they stepped on a twig, snapping it in half.

He looked up from the grass on which he sat and found Josh, the little boy from the funeral, standing there looking at him.

"It's not his fault" Josh said.

"Who's?" Ryan asked, confused.

"My dad's. It's not his fault that he's so angry"

"I know" Ryan replied, "I shouldn't have… shown up. I don't blame him"

"You shouldn't blame yourself either" the boy said, then gestured to the small marker encased with dirt, "Is this where your mom is?" he asked.

Ryan nodded.

"Do you miss her?"

He almost laughed. "We… never really got along so well." He attempted to explain.

Josh nodded. "I miss my mom" he finally said.

Ryan swallowed a lump in his throat, "I'm sorry"

"It's not your fault" Josh shrugged.

"How old are you?" Ryan asked the boy, he couldn't remember.

"Seven"

"You seem really… "

"Mature?" the boy asked.

Ryan stared at him, then nodded.

"They skipped me ahead two grades in school, told me I was too smart for my class"

Ryan wasn't quite sure what he was supposed to say to that, but apparently nothing was needed.

"I don't like it. Everyone's bigger than me. The boys pick on me and the girls laugh at me. I miss my old class, my old friends, but dad says I have to do this, or I'll get stupid. Mom and Dad used to fight about it, because mom knew I wasn't happy. That's what happened the night she died. She liked to drive around when she was mad. Said it calmed her down."

"It's not your fault she died" Ryan told the boy.

"If I hadn't started whining-"

Ryan stood up and Josh took a step back, "It's not your fault, Josh. You know who's fault this is? It's not mine, it's not yours, it's not even your dad's or mom's. It's my mother's. She drove drunk and she crossed the median. There's nothing else to it" Ryan told him.

Josh stood there for a moment and suddenly began to cry. He headed towards Ryan who gingerly hugged the small, sobbing, boy.

And suddenly it was like he could breathe again. Like he could do something right. Ryan felt inspired. Positive even.

When Josh finally stopped crying Ryan took his hand and they began walking towards Rae Symington's gravesite together.

They hadn't even gotten there when Ryan heard a voice yelling for Josh. It sounded frantic.

He looked down at the kid, "Did you.. tell your dad where you were going?" Ryan asked him.

Josh shook his head, seemingly speechless again.

"So, what, you don't talk around your dad or something?" Ryan asked, finally catching on.

"I tried. He doesn't listen, so I don't waste my breath."

Ryan sighed.

"Josh!" a voice yelled out just as Phillip Symington walked in to view.

"Over here" Ryan replied for Josh, letting go of his hand.

"What were you doing with my son?" he demanded, approaching Ryan at a fast pace. When he reached him he pushed Josh behind him.

"Nothing.. I.. we were talking" Ryan attempted to explain.

Phillip laughed, "Josh hasn't spoken since his mother died, don't give me that bull shit, now what were you doing with my son?!"

"He was right" Ryan shrugged.

"What, who?"

"Your son, Josh. He told me you didn't listen, and that's why he won't talk, because there's no point!"

Phillip looked shocked for a moment. "He said that?" he asked, in stunned disbelief.

"Yea" Ryan replied, shifting uncomfortably.

"What else did he say?" Phillip asked Ryan.

He hesitated, "That he really wants to go back to his old class.. but maybe you should be asking Josh, not me" Ryan told him, then left.


	12. The Talk

**Facing the Past**

Chapter Twelve

Seth studied Ryan's face as he approached the car, deciding he wouldn't bring up what ever had happened in the cemetery.

Honestly when Ryan had told him of his plan, Seth hadn't particularly agreed that it was the best option, for Ryan or for Phillip Symington, but it had been Ryan's plan and there was no changing it. Plus, he had agreed, promised even, to help him out if he could.

He'd kept his promise.

As Ryan climbed back in to the Rover Seth found that he couldn't particularly tell whether it had gone good, or bad. Ryan's face was masked, not even his eyes showed the slightest hint of emotion. All Seth had to go on were his body language.

He seemed to have a bounce in his step, which was good. It meant that something had gone right. But if all had gone well, wouldn't he want to talk about it? Brag accomplishment?

Most people Seth knew loved to boast their accomplishments. Then again, Ryan wasn't exactly most people.

"Ready?" he asked his brooding passenger.

Ryan nodded in reply, then turned back to the window.

He could feel Seth's eyes studying him, trying to determine what exactly had happened inside. Ryan hoped his poker face was enough to mask his thoughts.

He would already have one person delving in to his deep secrets, he didn't want Seth going there. It wasn't exactly pretty.

Ryan kept thinking over what happened in the cemetery, between Mr. Symington and himself. He couldn't tell if he'd helped or just made things worse.

Maybe he shouldn't have come. He should have figured out another way to help them, instead of intruding on one of the most private and emotional events there was in a person's life.

Then he thought of Josh. He had to have helped Josh. The kid had talked to him, which he apparently hadn't done for some time. He could've given Ryan a run for his money.

Would Josh and his father talk now? Better yet, would his father listen, just as Ryan had?

Right now was the determining point in Josh's life.

These next few days were going to determine whether Josh would let Chino swallow him whole, by not expressing his emotion or thoughts, turning to anger instead of someone.

Or maybe he would be turned in to a mind-numbing number cruncher, letting the school system chew and spit him out.

Or maybe, with any luck, Josh and his father would find a way through this. Together. Right now they both needed each other more than either of them would let on.

He hoped they would figure it out.

Ryan hoped he could work his life out. Maybe he could stop fighting, finally fit in with Newport. Maybe make something of himself.

He'd been thinking a lot about architecture lately. Again. Since he'd moved in with the Cohens, with Kirsten answering all his questions, that dream was coming in to focus again.

Only this time, it was within reach.

……………………………………

Ryan sat in the leather padded chair, trying to make himself comfortable.

He couldn't.

Get comfortable that was. It wasn't as if the chair was uncomfortable, because Ryan knew it was, it was just the fact that it was situated in reception area to Dr. Landoll' office.

Beside him, Sandy seemed to be perfectly comfortable, relaxed even.

They were the only ones sitting in the large waiting area now. A man had gone in to the office next to Dr. Landoll's, but hadn't come out yet.

Ryan passively glanced at the pile of magazines sitting on the table in the centre of the room.

Sandy had grabbed a '_Waves'_ Magazine. Surfing. He wondered if Sandy would ever want to take him again, after what had been happening recently.

With a quiet click the door to Dr. Landoll's office opened widely, the man standing there himself.

Greying hair, a bit of a beard and brown eyes met Ryan's. He quickly gazed down at the carpet.

"You must be Ryan" the man spoke with a surprisingly loud voice.

Ryan nodded his head, still looking at the caramel coloured carpet.

"Well, come on in, I don't bite you know… not until the moon's full" he laughed.

Next to him Sandy nudged his side with his elbow, and Ryan tentatively stood up, following the chuckling Dr. Landoll in to his office.

It smelled like new car, Ryan thought as he walked through the door, the shrink closing it behind him.

"Go ahead and sit" the man waved at a plush leather arm chair, while seating himself in his own.

Ryan sat on the chair, feeling the coolness of the chair on his arms.

"So what brings you here?" he asked Ryan.

Ryan stared. Was he for real?

"Not a talker, huh?" the man chuckled again.

He reminded Ryan of Seth in a few ways. A thin Santa at that as well.

"Look, I know the first time in one of these places is a little weird, a little tough. You don't want to talk to a complete stranger about your life for what ever reason, but the fact is that you are here, so you must need someone to talk to about something. Now, I've heard some things from your parents, but I'd like to hear them from you, face to face."

"They're not my parents" Ryan blurted out, then flushed. He shouldn't have said that. Kirsten and Sandy gave him more than his parents had ever given him.

He saw Dr. Landoll smile, and had a feeling that he'd just been tricked in to talking. He didn't like that.

"So you do talk, I was worried I'd need to order some more pens and notepads" he laughed.

"They say that people who joke about everything don't want to accept things for what they really are." Ryan stated.

Dr. Landoll's face twitched in to a slight grin and he chuckled again.

Ryan began to wonder if he could even talk to someone who couldn't take anything seriously.

He looked down at his knuckles which were white, because he was grasping the arms of the leather chair so tightly.

He couldn't do this. Talk to a stranger.

Ryan stood abruptly, the smile vanished off Dr. Landoll's face and he held up an arm as if to defend himself.

Ryan wondered if he'd been reading about his fights in the past. Instead, however, of pummelling the Doctor's smiling face like he wanted to, Ryan walked quickly past him, grabbing the door and walking out in to the office.

He saw Sandy stand, but brushed past him through the waiting area door and out in to the California sun.

He took a deep breath. Kirsten and Sandy were nuts if they thought Ryan was going to talk to that guy.

That guy had tricked Ryan in to talking, and then laughed as if it were all a big joke. He heard the door open behind him and someone step out.

"Ryan?" Sandy asked, studying the boy's back. His son.

Ryan turned to him, his face full of emotion. Now probably wasn't the time to lecture him on walking out of the therapist's office.

"You okay?" he questioned instead.

Ryan looked him in the eye, "I can't talk to him, Sandy… you're crazy if you think I can… he's… nuts, he laughs at everything and it just drives me crazy!"

Sandy felt bad right away. He knew that in most cases a person had to find the 'right' therapist to talk to. He also knew that at this point, Ryan wasn't about to go to another one.

"Let's get in the car" he suggested to Ryan instead.

Ryan obliged, climbing in to the BMW beside Sandy.

Now that his tantrum was over with, he knew a lecture would be coming, so when Sandy pulled from the parking lot and began to speak, Ryan interrupted.

"I'm sorry" he muttered.

"For what?" Sandy asked.

"That. Back there"

Sandy nodded. "I wasn't going to lecture you Ryan. I understand, really, I do. If someone had dragged me out of The Bronx and had me go to a therapist I think I would have had the same reaction. You want something to eat?"

"Uhh… sure"

They ended up at the pier, eating giant slices of pizza and staring out in to the ocean. The seagulls flew over head, anticipating the next crust of fry that someone threw.

"So.. today, with Seth. I didn't go to Chino to see.. to say good bye to my mom" Ryan blurted out.

"I know" Sandy admitted.

"You did?"

"Remember when you looked at me that day, and told me you had to leave? I knew you were okay with the whole thing, I knew you had said good bye and accepted the fact. You may have the best poker face around kid, but I look at the eyes."

"Windows to the soul" Ryan commented, "So how come you didn't say anything"

Sandy shrugged, taking a bite of his slice, "I trust you guys… didn't want to worry Kirsten"

"You didn't think we were going back to kick some ass?"

Sandy snorted, "I did, at first, but quickly realised you weren't that stupid. I mean, that's twice now, right?"

Ryan nodded, eyeing his cast. "Can't wait till this thing comes off" Ryan admitted.

"Why, so I can drag you surfing?" Sandy teased.

"You… want to, again?"

Sandy looked at him as if he were nuts, "Of course, why wouldn't I?"

Ryan shrugged, "I just thought that maybe… I don't know" he realised now the thought had been stupid.

"Ryan, I want you to know that Kirsten and I… we're not ever going to try and replace your parents… we just… we want you to be part of our family, our son…. Seth's getting tired of being mothered by Kirsten, she could use someone new to pick on, and I.. well I just want a surfing buddy" he teased.

Ryan smiled, tossing his crust in to the waves.

"I could deal with that" Ryan said after a few moments. Sandy seemed to breathe a sigh of relief.

"I hate to ruin our moment but… has Kirsten told you about tomorrow?"

Ryan nodded. Tomorrow the investigator was coming, to take a statement from both Ryan and Seth now.

"What he did… it wasn't right Ryan, and neither you nor Seth have to stand for it…"

Ryan swallowed, "it's just that-"

"I know, I know" Sandy put in, "it's how you did things in Chino, just like how I did things in New York. But it's different now, we don't need to solve all our problems with fists and silent words"

Ryan nodded again.

"Do you know if you're going to speak with them?" Sandy questioned him.

Ryan stared out at the ocean. He didn't have to use his fists for this one. He could let someone deal with it for him. Let the responsibility go.

If Louis was locked up, he couldn't hurt anyone else, right? He couldn't deal cocaine to kids anymore, or beat up unsuspecting messengers of drug money.

He couldn't hurt the Cohens.

Plus, he should be put away to rot for what he did to Seth. And Seth had wanted to talk to the cops, right?

"I'll do it" he finally agreed, "I'll talk to them, tell them what happened… everything. And you and Kirsten should know too, about everything. I mean… because you've been there for me and all, the least I owe you is the truth, right?"

Sandy patted him on the back, tossing his left over crust over the pier where a sudden dive of seagulls rushed at it.

"Lets go have that talk then."

………………………………………..


	13. All Things Good

**Facing the Past**

Chapter Thirteen

Ryan woke up feeling refreshed, almost lighter. The waves of the ocean could be heard crashing against the beach, the smell of salt water tainted the air.

As always, the California sun beat down on everything that was Newport.

He stumbled to the washroom, smiling at himself in the mirror and reaching up to scratch his chin with his left hand.

The past two weeks had been great. He'd had a long talk with Sandy, Kirsten and Seth, telling them everything about that night.

Kirsten had flipped out about the gun, Seth had looked at him strangely, but Sandy had continued to nod to him supportively.

He knew at that moment they would always be his family, and that they would always have a place for him, just as he would always have a place for them.

Ryan had also spoken with the police, and as Sandy informed him a couple days after, Louis was waiting to be sentenced as were his pals, or the ones they could locate anyways.

He had made up with Marissa, which had taken some doing. Meaning a lot of talking and a few apologies.

Seth was right, as it turned out. Women, or Marissa anyways, had wanted to be chased when she was angry.

What was it she had told him? That when he hadn't come after he, or heard from him in three days, she had figured he stopped caring.

He told her he just thought she needed space. Since that argument lost terribly he'd apologized and told her he did care, that he would always care.

School had gone on the same after detention. Again he was a little behind in his classes, but he had finally caught up by pulling a couple all nighters… not to mention a little help from Seth, Marissa and Summer, who surprisingly seemed to be quite knowledgeable in the field of science.

And yesterday Kirsten had taken him to the doctor's office. To get his cast removed. His arm was finally free from it's annoying chamber. It was a little weak, but he was told in a couple weeks time he wouldn't know the difference.

His stitches were gone, his black eyes were gone.. and he had some nice battle scars to show off to Marissa, another thing Seth had been right about.

For someone so anti-social he sure the hell knew a lot about some things.

Yes. Right now, everything in Ryan Atwood's life was good. He couldn't help but smile in the mirror.

………………………………………

In Chino, Theresa sat back on the old worn couch in her mother's home. The television was on, but Theresa wasn't paying any attention, instead she stared at the wall.

She wondered how Ryan was doing, how he was dealing with his mother's death. She had seen him pulling away with the Cohens, blood smeared across his face again.

She had thought it was maybe AJ, who had waited until Ryan had left the service to get him, but the word was that it was Louis and his pals again.

Apparently Ryan was thinking of narcing on them. Ryan wouldn't do that she mused, not the Ryan she knew.

Eddie, when she had told him this, had laughed it off, "They wouldn't risk being caught if he wasn't thinking about it Theresa… they have their connections, they're reliable.

Everyone in Chino had connections, because everyone in Chino was up to something. Theresa had lost most of hers when Ryan had gone away, and lost the remaining ones when Arturo was taken to jail.

There were no strangers coming to the door any more, asking for either of the boys. It was quiet, and Theresa felt almost detached.

Eddie entered the small crowded living room, juggling a bowl of microwave popcorn and a two litre of no-name soda.

He smiled in greeting, and plopped himself down beside her, putting the bowl between them and the cola on the floor.

"What's wrong?" he asked, studying her face.

"Nothing" she replied, but inside she wondered if Ryan was okay, and who that guy had been who had just called asking for his whereabouts.

He'd given her his name, but she hadn't cared to write it down or remember it.

He had sounded sincere, well meaning, or she wouldn't have given him Ryan's new phone number.

…………………………………

Ryan entered the kitchen in a good mood.

"Hey buddy" Seth called from across the kitchen. He seemed to be searching for a particular type of cereal.

"Heads up" Seth called, tossing him the Captain Crunch. Ryan caught the box and placed it on the counter, reaching for a bowl.

"What are you doing?"

"I am on a noble quest to find the Sugar Crisp I know mom has stashed away in here" he informed Ryan, then turned back to glance at the cupboard again.

"No Sugar Crisp?" Ryan asked him.

"I don't understand" Seth said, climbing down off the counter he'd been kneeling on. "I put it on the list like, every week"

Ryan raised his eyebrows.

"It's good stuff man, you ever try it?"

He shook his head.

"Of course not, because mom never buys it… I think she stopped loving me" Seth stated.

"Of course she did Seth, what doesn't she buy you?"

Seth made a face at his dad who walked in to the kitchen, "My cereal"

"You have lots of cereal" he waved at the open cupboards.

"But not the one I want" Seth whined.

"Maybe you ate it all"

"I didn't, I haven't had it in – mom!" Seth cried, "You went shopping last night, right?"

Kirsten looked surprised at the early morning confrontation, "Yes, why?"

"You forgot my cereal"

"No I didn't, you have lots" Kirsten stated, relaxing now and grabbing the morning paper.

"But not the kind I want!"

"Seth, last week you wanted Count Chocula, the week before that you wanted Frosted Flakes, and the week before that you wanted Captain Crunch" Kirsten sounded exasperated.

"Your point?"

"The boxes are still full, Seth"

"That's not true, the Captain Crunch is almost gone!"

"Because you keep force feeding Ryan with it" Sandy put in.

"Exactly!" Kirsten exclaimed, "Eat what's in the cupboard, then I'll buy you your Sugar Crisp"

Kirsten had finally put her foot down and Seth was not liking it.

Ryan was. He thought the whole thing was incredibly funny, considering back in Chino, and even Fresno when he was a little kid, the Atwoods were lucky to have one box of cereal in the house, and it wasn't sugar coated stuff either.

Rice Crispies and Cornflakes, because they both came in the no-name brand and were both available in bulk.

And cheap, of course.

The entertaining moment was ruined, however, when the phone, sitting next to Sandy, rang.

He reached over and picked it up, "Hello" he said in to the mouth piece, sipping a cup of coffee he'd just made for himself.

"Yea, he's right here, just a sec" Sandy said holding the phone out to Ryan.

Ryan grabbed it, "Hey Marissa-" he spoke, then his face fell.

The Cohens noticed this. Summer and Marissa didn't usually call here, they just randomly showed up.

"Hi Mr. Symington.." Ryan faltered, leaving the kitchen to go out in to the back yard.

"Ryan, I'm sorry to bother you, glad I finally got a hold of you.."

"No problem" Ryan replied, "What.. what's wrong?" he asked, thinking about Josh, and then wondering if Phillip was calling to rag him out on something.

"I just wanted to say that… I'm sorry"

"About what?" Ryan asked, surprised.

"The way I acted before, towards you… I was an idiot, I just.. I was so mad at everyone and everything I couldn't see that you were trying to-"

"It's okay" Ryan interrupted, "I get it. How's Josh?" he asked

"Josh is good.. he's uh.. he's happy and talking, thanks to you… he's back in his old class too, but he still reads and studies at home, tells me it's so he doesn't get stupid" he chuckled.

"That's.. good"

There was an awkward silence for a moment. "Well, I don't want to keep you, I'm sure you have plans… I just… I had to say thanks"

"It wasn't me, it was all Josh" Ryan affirmed. That little kid had somehow relieved the pressure on Ryan's shoulders. And his plan had worked, he had helped the Symingtons.

Yes, Ryan thought as he hung up, things were good.

………………………

When Ryan re-entered the kitchen Kirsten, Sandy and Seth all seemed to freeze, looking at him suddenly. Expectant.

Ryan placed the phone on the counter and looked up at everyone, they were still watching him. "It wasn't Trey" Ryan told them, remembering the last time he'd really gotten a call from nowhere.

The mood changed instantly, the chatter began again and soon Seth was continuing to persevere for his Sugar Crisp cereal.

"So what do you guys have planned for this week end?" Kirsten asked Seth and Ryan.

They looked at each other, Ryan shrugged and Seth turned to his mom.

"Orgies, booze and t.v. dinners, you?"

She smiled sarcastically at him, then turned to Ryan, "If you're not doing anything tomorrow Ryan, we're having a walk through of one of the developments at the company. The contractors will be there, and the architects of course, you interested?"

"Gee mom, we'd love to, but Summer and Marissa promised us they would shave our chests for us Sunday"

"I wasn't asking you" she shot back, then looked at Ryan, waiting for an answer.

"I am broken hearted, mother, that you will not include me in your mother-son plans with Ryan… just…" he pretended to stifle a sob.

Sandy laughed and Ryan nodded to Kirsten, "Cool, what time?" he asked, thinking about what an opportunity it would be.

"We're meeting there around ten, we should be back by lunch"

"Cool"

"Oh, and Ryan" Sandy looked up, "You have no cast, you could come surfing in the morning… it'll be a whole bonding experience for the three of us"

Ryan was beginning to feel a little strange, almost like they were trying too hard.

"Excuse me. The three of us? What about me? Mom, dad, over here!" Seth exclaimed, waving his arms.

"You don't like developments Seth" Kirsten told him.

"Or surfing" Sandy shrugged.

"But if you'd like to come along.." Kirsten continued

"Same here" Sandy agreed.

Seth pursed his lips, nodding his head, "I see… thank you for the offer, but I have to say no to the purple wetsuit and no to your boring house building crap"

Ryan grinned, he knew that with Seth's joking banter he was taking this new 'bonding time' thing very light heartedly.

"Seth, why don't we head down to the pier later, maybe pick up Summer an Marissa, and just chill" Ryan suggested.

Seth pointed to him, "Thank you, Ryan, for inviting me to something that won't be so outlandishly boring"

"Well, it will be if we let you choose a movie to see" Ryan mused

"There's nothing wrong with Shark movies Ryan" Seth pointed out.

"Isn't that how the Rover got demolished?" Kirsten asked eyebrows raised.

"I have to-"

"Me too" Ryan said, standing up.

Once they were gone Sandy turned to Kirsten, putting an arm around her shoulders, "You are sneaky" he whispered.

"I knew it would make them scatter" Kirsten smiled, leaning in to kiss her husband.

………………………………

"So, how goes things on Ryan's end?" Seth asked.

The two boys were sitting on the floating chairs in the middle of the infinity pool.

"Good" Ryan replied honestly, "You"

"Ditto" Seth shrugged.. "It's so weird.." he began.

"What?"

"Didn't you notice? That everything just seems too… perfect around here lately? No fist fights with Luke… no drunk Marissa… I have Summer…"

"You jinxed it now" Ryan warned.

"Don't say that… it's only jinxed when you point out that it's jinxed!" Seth hissed.

"Ryan" Kirsten's voice called from the kitchen door.

Both boys looked over.

"Someone's here for you"

The boys shared a glance then hopped out of the pool, "Just be a sec" Ryan told her, both of them heading to the pool house to change.

"Do you think this is our jinx?" Seth asked once he emerged from the bathroom.

Ryan shot him a dirty look, "Yea, who said it now!"

"You started it"

"Maybe it's just Marissa and Summer" Ryan suggested.

"May be" Seth nodded, "But mom usually sends them out back to laugh an goggle first. Are you expecting any other visitors?"

Mr. Symington, Ryan thought of the call this morning. No, no it wouldn't be. He'd called and said his piece, there was no reason to drive nearly an hour out of his way to talk with Ryan again.

Considering they hadn't said much to each other prior.

"No" he replied, opening the back door to let Seth in first.

Seth wasn't three steps in before he froze in his place.

"What's your problem, Seth?" Ryan asked, stepping around him.

Then Ryan froze.

No. This wasn't happening. His life was good. It was all good. Everything. But this. Him, in his home? Where Seth and Kirsten and Sandy were? Invading..well, his life?

"Everything okay?" Kirsten asked. She was standing at the kitchen counter, unaware of who was sitting in her living room.

"Nice place, Atwood" Louis commented, rubbing his hand along the chair arm.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Ryan demanded angrily.

Louis shrugged, "My guys paid bail with some excess cash, what, I can't come say hi to an old pal?" he asked, standing up.

"We're not friends, get out" Ryan told him, noticing that Seth had moved closer to Kirsten in the kitchen.

"Yea, you got a really nice place here, Atwood. Nice things… nice family… I wouldn't want anything to… happen to them" he smiled.

Ryan was pissed, he could hear his knuckles pop. "Get out" he said, again.

"I'm leaving. Just wanted to stop in and say hello…" his eyes danced with excitement. He was, of course, enjoying this. "Wanted to meet your family and see your new place" Louis shrugged.

He knew he shouldn't. He knew it would just cause more trouble. But he did it anyways.

Ryan launched himself across the living room, tackling Louis to the floor. They rolled over each other, each attempting to be on top when finally Ryan, out of pure rage, won.

Grabbing Louis' head with both hands he slammed it in to the hard wood flooring several times before a fist caught his eye.

Ryan didn't feel it. Couldn't feel it. He was focused on one thing.

Repeatedly Ryan pummelled this guy where ever he could. Stomach. Ribs. Face. Shoulder.

He deserved it, Ryan told himself. This was the way Chino guys handled their problems. Ryan was finally handling his.

Justice had failed. They had let this jackass back out on the streets. Where he could have hurt anyone again.

Two strong arms grasped Ryan in an arm lock, pulling him backwards off of Louis' unconscious form. There was blood everywhere.

"You leave them alone!" Ryan screamed at the form laying in the Cohens' living room. "I'll kill you! I'll kill you myself if you ever go near them again!" he made one last attempt to leap forward but the strong arms pulled him backwards.

Ryan's breathing began to slow, his heart rate reduced and his vision began to clear. The events of the past couple minutes swam in to his memory, processing what he had just done.

He had just beat a person unconscious.

Without meaning to.

Something was wrong.

_Nothing is wrong you did exactly what you meant to. He hurt Seth. He hurt you. He hurt how many other countless victims. You gave him what he deserved. Everyone should be celebrating….._

But Ryan didn't feel like that. He didn't even know why he was thinking like that. It sounded like he used to think.

As if it were his responsibility to take on the injustices of the world.

Slowly Ryan sank to the floor, the strong arms from behind releasing him.

It was Sandy. He hadn't even seen Sandy come in to the room.

Kirsten was crying, a hand over her face.

Seth looked like he'd been slapped. Surprised. Stunned. Disgusted.

Louis looked almost… dead. If it weren't for the air bubbles forming in the blood from his nose, Ryan would have mistaken the fact.

He stared at the floor.

"Did you call them?" Ryan asked to no one in particular.

"Yes" Kirsten's voice answered as she stifled a sob.

Ryan folded his knees to his chest and rested his arms on them, burying his head and staring in to the darkness.

It was all over.

Kirsten had called the cops.

They were on their way. They would take him back to juvie. There would be an inquiry. He might even be taken away from the Cohens.

Not that they'd want him around after this.

He had seen the unmasked fear in their eyes. The insecurity they felt just being in the room with him now.

Ryan buried his head deeper, not wanting them to hear his quiet sobs.


	14. Control

**Facing the Past**

Chapter Fourteen

"I'm sorry" he heard Kirsten's voice right by his ear. But Ryan didn't look up. Couldn't look up.

Kirsten didn't know what else to say, just that she was sorry. Once Seth had explained who the unconscious form on their living room floor was Kirsten had begun having second doubts.

She had called the police on her own son.

She had thought he'd gone crazy, attacking an old friend he just didn't want to see.

Kirsten had been afraid.

Everyone had been afraid of him.

Seth was hurting inside. It was as if every blow Ryan had laid on Louis had gone directly to him. His stomach churned and his tongue felt too big for his mouth.

Everything had been so good this morning.

He didn't blame Ryan for what had happened, Louis shouldn't have showed up in the first place.

In fact, Seth at least could understand why he'd done it. For himself and Ryan, for Sandy and Kirsten. The fact that Louis had showed up in the house was clearly a threat to Ryan, as well as to his family.

Almost as if Louis were saying _"I know where you live buddy, you testify at my hearing and you will regret it"_

He'd had the same feeling. Of being violated. That's why he had moved closer to his mother, who had been oblivious.

Seth knew he wasn't a strong person. But he also knew he would fight to the death for his family.

Just as Ryan had done.

Seth wondered if his dad was going to do anything to prevent this. He wondered if there was anything his dad _could_ do at this point.

Sandy stood with Kirsten, across the room from Seth.

He looked around at his family and wondered how things had seemed so perfect earlier.

Ryan had finally been starting to come around, and now this.

He had entered the living room just after the shouting began. It was the reason he had come down stairs in the first place.

Ryan didn't normally yell, there had to be something wrong.

So he'd entered the living room to find his son beating someone up, someone Seth had later told them was Louis.

He knew from his childhood in the Bronx what Louis' visit was. A threat. A statement of fact.

_I know where you live, watch your step._

He also knew that Ryan was fiercely loyal to anyone he loved. Just look at all he had done for Marissa in the past.

Ryan was having a weird sense of deja-vu again. The first time he'd been arrested was with Trey.

Then with Luke.

Now it was all on him.

He'd seen Louis being taken away in a stretcher.

He'd seen the police speaking with Kirsten, Sandy and Seth.

Even though he couldn't hear them, he knew what they must be saying.

" _He just went crazy on this kid, wouldn't let him go even after he was unconscious. Sandy had to drag him off the guy… there must be something wrong with him…No, he's not our son"_

Ryan had long since stopped crying. He'd turned his face to stone before they had gotten there.

Show no emotion and they couldn't get to you, couldn't hurt you.

At least he remembered that lesson from growing up. It seemed to work, fronting your emotions with anger.

So Ryan didn't offer a comforting smile when Kirsten told him she was sorry.

He didn't flinch when Sandy patted him on the back and told him they would fight for him.

He didn't look Seth in the eye when he told him that Sandy would get him out.

Ryan's face was stone when he was escorted from the Cohens' by a police officer. In cuffs.

He was going back to juvie, at least for now. No one could help that. Hell, he even deserved it.

He had just beat someone to a bloody pulp.

Without even realising it.

………………………………………….

Once the police were gone Kirsten put on a pot of coffee an waited for it to brew, tapping her fingers on the counter.

Seth stood awkwardly by the door, having watch Ryan be taken away again.

Sandy was already on the phone.

"Well?" Kirsten asked him as he hung up.

Sandy looked disappointed. Sad. "We can't do anything until Monday. Not even my contacts at the PD's office are looking favourably on this one… because of his history of violence…."

"I shouldn't have called them" Kirsten said in a small voice, clutching a cup of coffee in her hands.

"You did what you thought was right" Sandy told her.

"That kid deserved it Sandy, if I'd known it was him I would have done it myself"

She glanced at Seth who still stood at the door, shoulders hunched.

"Seth?" she asked timidly.

He didn't answer.

He must be mad at her.

"We just lost him, didn't we?" Seth finally asked, turning around and breaking the silence.

Sandy looked down at the floor, Kirsten stared in to her coffee.

"Lets hope not" Sandy finally offered. But he knew in his experience that if Louis decided to press charges things would be a mess.

Child Services would be called, again.

Ryan would be placed in juvie, probably until he turned eighteen, then he would, depending on the courts, be released in to a custody or guardianship program or serve his remaining sentence in the county jail.

Where Trey and his father were.

_No_. Sandy told himself. Ryan is different from them. Ryan is not a common thug or criminal. He may mess up sometimes, but this isn't his fault. He's smarter that any of the Atwoods. Probably smarter than himself.

………………………….

Ryan went through the now familiar routine to being put in to juvenile hall. He forfeit all his possessions, which wasn't a hell of a lot though his wrist felt bare now, them having taken away the leather cuff.

He put on the required uniform and of course his 'I don't care' face.

Then he was informed of the mandatory chores and classes schedule and led to his cell. His home for what was likely to be the next year or so.

Ryan sat on the bed, hidden in shadow waiting to be called for exercises. The guard had said it'd be about twenty minutes.

…………………………………

He was the last person Ryan had been expecting to see while he sat alone on top of the bleachers.

But there he was, plain as day.

Donnie.

He knew he hadn't been spotted yet, but also wasn't dumb enough to believe he could escape him forever.

Donnie was talking amongst a few delinquents at the moment, oblivious to Ryan's presence.

Ryan wasn't exactly sure whether it was a god thing or not. How would he act towards Ryan? They'd sort of been friends… until he'd almost killed Luke.

Not that Ryan particularly cared what happened to Luke, it was just the fact that it was Ryan who had tackled Donnie to the ground, wrestled the gun away from him. Essentially, since Donnie hadn't been planning on shooting the gun, it was ultimately Ryan who had caused him to hit the trigger.

There for it was Ryan who had ultimately sent Donnie to this place.

"What's wrong, Sandy?" Kirsten asked from the breakfast counter as her husband entered the kitchen.

His face was grim.

"I just found out that they won't let me stay appointed as Ryan's lawyer, he's been appointed a different PD" he said, grabbing the car keys from his pocket.

"Where are you going?"

"Down to the old office, I need to find out who's been appointed, and I'm going to try and appeal it to a judge"

"You think his new lawyer won't want him to come back here?" Kirsten asked, worried.

"I don't think they would fight as hard for it as I would, as I can. A lot of public defenders get tired of seeing the same kids, Kirsten" he explained, "They get worn out and they just stop trying so hard to get them out of juvie" he kissed her on the cheek.

"He can't stay there" Kirsten whispered, "Last time they said they'd kill him-"

"I won't let that happen" Sandy spoke defensively.

Kirsten bit her lip in response and took another sip of her coffee. "Where's Seth?" she asked him.

"Upstairs, in his room. I tried talking to him but…"

"Our whole family's being torn apart Sandy, what can we do?"

He didn't have an answer for that. He wished he did, but he didn't.

………………………………

It was just before the whistle blew, signalling their return to the cells that Ryan descended the bleachers and made his way to the door area.

It was then Ryan's movement alerted Donnie to a new presence. Ryan felt a hand on his shoulder, but didn't turn.

"Hey, don't ignore me" Donnie's voice rang through the fenced in courtyard.

Around him Ryan could hear people stop and listen.

Again Ryan refused to turn around. He wasn't sure if Donnie knew who he was yet.

"Hey you little shit head, you want a beating?"

Apparently not, thought Ryan. He saw the guards standing at the door, eyeing the situation, he walked towards them quickly.

If he could get inside….

"Wait until the whistle, kid" the guards told him when he finally got there.

"Turn around, bitch" Donnie told him.

Ryan did, slowly, shooting a glare at Donnie and staring him in the face.

"What the…" Donnie cursed, a slight smile forming on his lips.

Ryan thought it would be cool. Donnie was smiling. He relaxed his body just in time for the impact of Donnie's fist to his nose.

Ryan heard the whistle blow and knew that everyone was dispersing to the back wall. Because that's what you did when there was a fight, unless you wanted a guard stick to your chest or head.

But Donnie was still there, punching him level in the gut, causing Ryan to lose his breath and double over.

"Fucking Newport bitch" Donnie swore at him, then spit in his face.

Then the guards were there, breaking it up and hauling Donnie off somewhere. They left Ryan alone in the courtyard, bloody nose and black eye.

His first day. It was a new record.

………………………….

Sandy was on a mission. He was looking for Judge Ryker, the judge he could appeal in front of to become Ryan's lawyer.

He stopped, hesitating for a moment before knocking on his office door.

Silence. Maybe he wasn't here, Sandy thought.

But the heavy wooden door swung open, revealing a stern looking man of about fifty.

"Judge Ryker?" Sandy asked, holding out his hand. The man in front of him took it, "I'm Sandy Cohen. I don't think we've ever worked together before, but I used to work as a public defender."

"Before you sold out" the man in front of him said in a gravely voice, letting go of his hand.

Shit, Sandy cursed inwardly, but on the outside he wouldn't let it phase him. This was for Ryan, it had nothing to do with him.

"I'd like to appeal to become Ryan Atwood's attorney"

The man turned and walked in to his office, sitting behind his desk. Only there did he speak.

"They told me you might come"

Sandy hated the office grapevines.

"I believe that in Ryan's case –"

Let me hand it to you straight, Sandy" Judge Ryker interrupted him. Sandy entered the office, closing the door behind him and waited.

"I'm afraid that you working for Ryan would be a conflict of interest for the county prosecutors. They would appeal any decision made on the information you brought forward, simply because you have a personal relationship with this kid."

"With all due respect, Judge, you're assuming that Ryan is even going to trial"

"After he violently beat up another person? Of course charges will be laid. I'm well aware of your… situation Sandford, but I'm afraid I can't move on this matter. You cannot be Ryan's listed attorney, as well as his legal guardian. Not in this case, not at this time."

Sandy was speechless.

"Have you ever wondered if…" the man began.

"What?" Sandy asked.

"You made a mistake, bringing home one of your clients? Look at his history Sandy. It's violent, it's terrible, it makes me want to stick his parents in prison. But he still has the option of changing himself. He had the option, he didn't take it. There's been fights before. Truancy from school. An incident with a house burning down? These are all indications of-"

"Of a kid making some mistakes!" Sandy's voice was raised now. "Bringing Ryan home was the best thing I ever did for him, and for my family. With all due respect, _judge_, he has improved. He's made great leaps and bound while living with us –"

"And fallen back in to old ways… you can't change him, it's in his nature" Ryker interrupted again.

"He's just confused!" Sandy yelled now, "He made some mistakes, we _all_ do! Why provide him with a lawyer who will settle for getting his sentence reduced? I want him home, and I would bring him home if I were his-"

"You're not!" the judge roared. "And you wont' be! You're obviously far too involved emotionally with this. The courts would refute any decision or settlement made! You know that! Now get out of my office before I call security. If I recall correctly you no longer work in this building, and there for have no right to be back in these offices. Go home, Sandy"

Sandy's head was throbbing, his blood pulsating in anger. He knew his fists were clenched, along with his jaw. He said nothing and left the office, slamming the door and standing on the other side.

He had no control over this now. Whatever happened to Ryan, he couldn't control.

………………………….


	15. Home

**Facing the Past**

Chapter Fifteen

"Hey" Ryan greeted Sandy from across the metal table.

"Ryan" Sandy greeted him, nodding his head.

It was Monday morning, and it had been a long week end for both of them. Sandy had broken the news of not being able to be Ryan's judge to both Seth and Kirsten, who seemed devastated.

He was here now to break it to Ryan.

"So.." Ryan began, "I guess it's a little too much to think you're here to take me home" Ryan commented.

Sandy knew his face must be showing his emotions, "Actually.. I… I can't be your judge, Ryan" Sandy blurted out.

Ryan fell silent, leaning back slightly as if Sandy had raised a hand towards him.

"I tried" Sandy rushed to explain the rest of the story. By the end, Ryan seemed distant and cool.

Ryan wasn't stupid. He knew what this mean. He knew that whomever he got for his defence wasn't going to try half as hard as Sandy would have.

He knew it meant he would likely be here until he was eighteen.

"If you.. get out Ryan. Kirsten and I.. and Seth, we want you to know that we still want you to come back to the house. Even if… even if it's not until much later" Sandy finished, sighing.

Ryan clenched his jaw, feeling his throat muscles moving when he swallowed the lump in his throat.

His hands were cold.

He stood up quickly and turned to the guard, "I'm ready to go" he announced. The guard opened the door and let him through, escorting him back to his cell.

Sandy was left sitting at the table, a sinking feeling in his stomach.

They were losing him.

Ryan was turning away from everything he'd learned and had in the past few months.

It was easier to walk away then be kicked out, Ryan mused. It was easier to pretend you never wanted it anyways, like you never expected it to last.

The thing was, he had expected it to last. He'd wanted it to last. The fact that he would be here for another year was tearing him up inside.

Sure, Donnie hadn't touched him since Saturday, but Ryan hadn't even seen him since Saturday.

He was probably being punished in a quiet room.

A time-out, the guards joked.

Conflicting emotions ran through Ryan's mind as he processed what Sandy had told him, the ramifications of what he had done.

He had done this himself.

He deserved it.

………………………..

"He wouldn't talk to me" Seth reported as he walked through the door.

He had just come from the detention centre. He threw his keys angrily on to the counter. "He wouldn't even come in and sit down when he saw who it was!"

Seth was upset. He thought he and Ryan were like brothers. That they could and would share everything.

But Ryan wasn't holding up his end of the bargain any more. He was cutting himself off, and Seth couldn't figure out why.

He figured that if he were stuck in a place like that, he would want Ryan to come and visit him. Keep him sane.

"His face was bruised up" Seth added, plopping himself down at the counter. "I think he's been fighting"

It was the wrong thing to say, Seth thought when he saw his mother's face.

They had all become accustomed to seeing Kirsten ready to cry for the past couple days. But this tidbit of information just made the event all the more closer.

Seth looked at his father, who looked ragged and worn out. He knew Ryan had shut himself off of Sandy too. He'd reported it when he'd gotten home yesterday.

His father had said that they were losing him, and Seth scoffed at him. They couldn't lose Ryan, Ryan was their family. His brother, their son. You couldn't just… lose someone.

He had reasoned that when Ryan saw Seth he would want to talk. But that wasn't the case at all.

Now Seth was thinking his father was right, about losing Ryan. But only because Ryan was shutting himself off, turning away from them. Why? Seth wondered. Why would anyone do that to their family?

………………………………..

"Atwood, visitor" the guard banged his stick against the cell door.

Ryan sighed, uncurling himself from a fetal position on the top bunk. It seemed like all he was doing was visiting these days.

Sandy and Seth had come. He was sure Kirsten was afraid to come back here, after what happened last time.

He wondered who it was as the guard led him down the long row of cells.

"Ryan Atwood?" an older woman sitting at the table asked as he entered the door.

Ryan didn't reply, but studied her.

"I'm Karen Sykes, your new public defender"

Ryan sat down across from her, again without saying a word.

She shook her head at him, looking down at his file.

"So you're here for assault this time?" she asked.

Ryan looked at the table.

"Well, I'll tell you now, that with your record, getting you off the charges will not likely be an opportunity, but pleading down your case is, which means you would only have to spend about six months in here" she sounded hopeful.

Six months in here, Ryan thought. He wasn't sure he could last six months in here. That would almost bring him to his next birthday.

"Great" he replied shortly, "Can I go now?"

"I hope you're planning on straightening that attitude in court" she commented.

Ryan glared.

"And a suit wouldn't help, do you have anything nice?

Ryan stared her down, "Judges make it a point not to judge on appearance of a minor in custody. It's looked down upon if they take any information except factual and residual in to consideration when making a decision with a case. So if you think that me, wearing a suit, is going to do your job for you, you're wrong." He told her then went to the door to be let out.

He knew he shouldn't have snapped at her. She was pleading his case of course. His being a jackass wouldn't change that, it would only piss her off.

Too late, he thought.

If she could only get him down to six months, it wouldn't be so bad to serve another few until his birthday.

At least in juvie he couldn't hurt anyone but himself.

………………………………………..

Sandy stared across the living room from beside Kirsten. He couldn't comprehend what Catherine was saying. He hadn't thought this would ever be the outcome. Somewhere, in the back of his mind Sandy always had this small little hope that was saying Ryan would be fine. Everything would work out.

Now Catherine, from Child Services, was telling them all differently.

She said she'd already delivered the news to Ryan, and that he seemed to be taking it rather well.

But Sandy and Kirsten also knew that it was all a façade. That was the way Ryan was.

"So… I just don't understand why he can't come back to live with us, if Louis isn't pressing charges"

"My supervisor thinks it's in his best interest to place him with someone else. Give him a different environment where, perhaps, he fits in more"

"He fits in fine here" Kirsten snapped at her. "I'm sorry" she quickly added.

Catherine offered a shaky smile, "Lets just all hope that this is what is best for Ryan. That's our common goal, right?"

Sandy and Kirsten nodded. But they both knew that this was _not_ what was best for Ryan.

"What if it doesn't work out… at the group home?" Kirsten asked her, "What if he doesn't like it there? Can he come back here?"

Catherine smiled gently, "unfortunately, because he has already been placed here and it didn't work out, he won't likely be put back in to your care"

"But he wants to be here" Seth said, from the door way where he stood, "I know he does, he just won't show it!"

"Well, until he does show it, there's nothing we can do" Catherine slowly shook her head. "On the other hand, if you wish to, you can always apply for information on his whereabouts, assuming both him and his new legal guardians agree to let you continue to converse with him."

Sandy, Kirsten and Seth said nothing, instead they just stared at this stranger sitting in their living room. She was tearing everything they hoped for apart.

At first they had been ecstatic, when Sandy told him someone from Child Services was coming. It meant that Ryan wasn't going to be staying in juvenile hall much longer. He was getting out, coming home. Getting another chance.

But apparently there were no more chances for them to all be together left.

…………………………………….

Ryan sat in the small two door car with Catherine, his social worker.

He was on his way to his new home, she had told him.

He'd thought she was a good omen at first. The first words from her mouth had been 'Louis has decided not to press charges'

It meant he was free to go. He didn't have to deal with Karen, his new defence attorney. He wouldn't have to be afraid of being spotted by Donnie again, now that he was finished his 'time out'.

He could see the Cohens. Apologize. Get back to school, see Marissa. Have a life.

But then she'd told him the rest of the story. Including who she was, and why she was there.

To take him to a new home.

'What about the Cohens?" Ryan had asked.

They felt it wasn't the best placement for him, she had replied.

But it was, he almost told her. It was. But then why had he had so many problems living there?

He would be staying with three other kids at the group home Catherine had told him. Three other kids, Ryan had thought.

There was no escaping three kids.

He could escape Seth when he was in a bad mood, just be locking the pool house door.

He doubted there was a pool house where he was going. He doubted he would even have a room to his self.

She had told him he'd be staying in a house in Chino Hills. The better part of Chino, where the houses weren't so run down and there wasn't furniture on the lawns.

It wasn't Newport, Ryan thought, but it wasn't Larch street either.

There would be no drunken mother or abusive boyfriend.

Or at least, he didn't think so.

You had to go through a program to be part of the foster care system, didn't you? You had to have a decent income and a decent family, a decent house.

Thoughts of _White Oleander_ popped in to his mind's eye. He pushed them away.

He could make a new start here, Ryan thought to himself.

He wouldn't be a burden to the Cohens anymore, or a danger.

He wouldn't have Marissa's problems to deal with. Or any other Newport Drama that Seth had informed him, several times, was to do with old plotlines of _The Valley_.

How Seth knew that, Ryan didn't want to know.

Maybe this was just best. He sort of stuck out like a sore thumb in Newport anyways. He could fit in here, be normal.

Sort of. Another normal foster kid anyways.

Ryan wondered why Louis wasn't pressing charges to begin with. He didn't have to search for an answer long.

He must want Ryan to drop his charges.

An eye for an eye.

He had, or he'd at least told Catherine he wanted to. She said she would take care of it, he needn't worry.

……………………………………

Sandy looked out the pool house doors and in to the bright sunlight. He was sitting on Ryan's bed.

Well, his old bed.

Just sitting. Thinking.

How could this have happened? He wondered. We're his parents, how could they take him away from the Cohens when they hadn't even taken him away from Dawn?

They loved him here. He loved them. There wasn't any of that with Dawn, but they'd left him there to be beaten, starved and ignored.

He knew they were all taking the situation pretty hard.

Kirsten wouldn't stop drinking coffee. He wasn't sure any more whether it was torment that kept her up at night or caffeine.

Seth wouldn't leave his room, except to attend school.

He hadn't seen Marissa or Summer over since Ryan had been taken away.

But then again, why would they be over? It's not like Seth was such a great person to see these days anyways.

…………………………….

Seth stared down at Captain Oats hard, blaming him for everything that had gone wrong so far.

Of course that was ridiculous, Seth knew that Captain Oats was merely a plastic remnant of a childhood toy, but he also knew that Captain Oats stood for a small reasonable corner of his mind.

The same corner that had told him to be Ryan's friend.

The same one that had told him Ryan and Seth were no brothers.

The same one that was now saying they no longer were. Friends or brothers.

Seth threw Captain Oats against the window, hoping for it to shatter.

It didn't happen, the horse merely bounced off the thick pane of glass and on to his maps of Tahiti.

It pissed Seth off even more.

He grabbed an old baseball his father had given him off his night table and chucked it hard. Right through the window.

At the sound of tinkling glass Seth could finally breathe. The warm California air drifted in through the now shattered window.

He knew he'd be in trouble. But Seth just didn't care anymore.

He was alone. Again.

………………………….

Kirsten heard the glass break and was up the stairs in a second. She knocked hard on Seth's bedroom door.

No response.

She grabbed the handle and opened it, finding Seth standing in the middle of the room, which was a mess, staring out the shattered window pane.

"Seth?" she asked warily. His back was too her.

"It's not fair" he said.

Kirsten pursed her lips, urging herself not to cry. "I know, sweetie" she replied, placing an arm around his shoulders and leading him back to the edge of his bed to sit down.

Sandy found them both quietly crying in each other's arms.

Both of them so precariously perched on the edge of the bed, Sandy though they would fall off.

The window was broken.

"What did you do?" Sandy started to lecture.

Kirsten glared at him through her tears and Sandy said nothing more.

It was just a broken window. A broken family was much more important that a stupid window.

He sat on the bed with them, putting at arm around Kirsten's shoulder and the other hand patting Seth's back.

They weren't crying anymore. They were just a broken family, sitting by a broken window in silence.

Sandy wondered if this would ever get better.

………………………………….

They pulled up to the small home in Chino hills just after seven and Ryan knew he was right.

It was a small house, worn down but in decent shape. The lawn was immaculate, the gardens were weed less.

And his new 'family' was sitting outside on the porch.

There would be no bedroom for himself.

When their car pulled in to the driveway Ryan saw the man and woman stand up, climbing down the few steps from the porch. The kids stayed where they were, as if the whole thing were rehearsed.

He hated it here already.


	16. Trying

**Facing the Past**

Chapter Sixteen

Catherine jumped from the car as soon as she turned off the ignition, greeting the two adults with a large smile.

Ryan sat in the passenger seat tentatively, fingering the door handle and studying the people that were supposed to be his new family.

The three kids, he saw, all looked to be under the age of fourteen or so. Kids, that's what they were. He wondered why they hadn't all found homes yet.

No one wanting Ryan was one thing, he was nearly seventeen with a messed up past, but what were the stories with these kids? They looked alright, he guessed.

Catherine signalled Ryan with her hands to get out of the car, he did so slowly, swinging his army duffel of belongings over his shoulder and crossing his arms in front of his chest.

He studied the two people in front of him warily, the three children sitting behind them on the steps.

"Ryan" Catherine broke the tense silence, "This is Lorraine and Mark Hamilton, your new parents, they'll introduce you to the other children later.. I really should get going" Catherine shrugged, backing up slowly towards her car.

Once Catherine had disappeared the smile from Lorraine's face disappeared. "Let's get inside, we can't all be eaten by the mosquitoes on account of you"

Ryan swallowed the lump in his throat, glancing at Mark who wouldn't meet his eyes. The children scrambled inside the house quickly, leaving Ryan to ponder what was happening.

How could he have been so stupid?

This wasn't home. This never would be home. He'd felt more comfortable at the Cohens' the first night he'd been there.

He sighed and found his way inside the house, entering the kitchen to see everyone gathered around the table, waiting expectantly for him.

"Kids, this is Ryan. He's going to be staying here from now on" Mark began, "Ryan" he continued, pointing at each kid in turn, "This is Case, he's twelve, Klara, she's seven, and Sammy, he's two"

Ryan nodded as a reply, not even uncrossing his arms to raise his hand in greeting as per normal.

"House rules" Lorraine continued, "Are as follows. No fighting, No swearing. Church on Sundays. Chores after school. Dinner is at six, and everyone is in the house by eight, in bed by nine. No exceptions, if any rules are broken there will be punishment."

Ryan watched her spiel in amazement. She looked as though she'd given it a hundred times. Who knows, maybe she had. Her face didn't seem to change, but it may have been on account of all the makeup she wore to try and cover her weathered face.

His eyes drifted to Mark. He seemed fairly…normal. Probably about forty, he was beginning to bald but his hair was still coloured a light brown.

They seemed to be waiting for a response of some sort, so Ryan nodded.

"Case, show Ryan to your room please. He can get settled in and then come grab some dinner. Nothing fancy tonight, I didn't have time to prepare on account of our new visitor.

Case glared at Ryan then got up from the kitchen table. Without looking back he wandered down the hall of the bungalow.

This definitely was not home.

……………………………………..

Ryan stared in to the inky blackness that surrounded him, listening to Case toss and turn in the bed across the room.

He hadn't spoken with anyone in the family since dinner, and even that had been fairly limited to yes or no answers.

Case seemed like an angry child, which maybe explained why no one had taken him in yet, away from the system.

Ironically that was probably the same reason he was so angry.

Klara was a quiet girl. If there was anyone who spoke less than Ryan it had to be Klara, Ryan hadn't heard her say one word since he'd been here. She simply nodded or shook her head accordingly.

Sammy made more noise than her, and he was only two. From what the Hamiltons' were saying at dinner, it sounded as though Sammy hadn't been here long, and Ryan frankly doubted if he'd be here much longer.

Anyone adopting wanted babies. They didn't have the baggage that teenagers came with, not to mention most just passed them off as their own.

The house was very small, cramped and smelled a bit like mothballs, but Ryan had seen worse. Like his mom's place for example, on Larch street. Or the dingy shack in Fresno that they'd left when his father had been arrested.

He briefly wondered what the Cohens were up to, then pushed it from his mind. It wasn't his life anymore. Thinking about it just made him depressive. Thinking about anything in his life made him depressive.

Maybe he should honestly give it a shot here. Try to make it work. It was only until he was eighteen anyways, right? A year and a bit away. He'd lived sixteen years with his mother, could this be so bad?

Ryan kicked the itchy sheets off him and sat up. He missed the blankets in the pool house.

He'd been with Kirsten once, when she'd picked up a single white down comforter. It had cost over four hundred dollars. For one comforter. But it sure the hell wasn't itchy.

Ryan let out a loud sigh and got up from the bed, his eyes already well adjusted to the darkness around him. He slowly made his way to the washroom and splashed his face with cold water.

In Chino, even in Chino Hills, air conditioning was very rare, and it was one of those searing hot humid nights.

He flicked the light off to the washroom before he opened the door to leave, surprised to find himself face to face with Mark… and Lorraine.

"What are you doing up?" Mark demanded of him.

"I.. drink" he replied in whispered tones. He noticed Lorraine was being fully supported by Mark, in fact her eyes were closed.

"Getting new kids is a little stressful on her" Mark explained, seeing his wandering gaze.

And Ryan understood. It seemed that any where he went, people solved their problems with alcohol.

His dad. His mom. Marissa. Even Kirsten a little. Now Lorraine.

His first reaction was to help Mark get her to the bedroom. Like old times with his mom and Marissa.

Instead Ryan brushed past them both and in to the small room that was now partly his. He didn't want this to begin with, why should he help?

……………………………………………

"Are you sure there's nothing you can do?" Kirsten asked him again at breakfast. It seemed like it was the only conversation that passed between himself and Kirsten any more.

"I'm trying, honey. I .. I really am. I've got someone working on it from the old office, trying to find a loophole, something, anything that would enable us to receive custody of Ryan again."

"Can't we just… adopt him?"

"I wish it were that easy" Sandy sighed honestly. He glanced up and saw she was waiting for an explanation. He attempted to filter the legal jargon as he explained. "In order to adopt, the prospective parents need to be screened, as well as their families… it's a long process, and can be a costly one too, with all the paperwork that has to be filed.."

"Money is not an issue, Sandy, you know that"

"Time is, some adoptions take years to complete Kirsten"

"But in the meantime, he can stay with us, right?"

This is where things started getting tricky. "With Ryan's history I'm not sure. It's not great to start with, and they'll definitely take his history in Newport with us in to account. It's not exactly spotless… chances are if they won't let us foster him, they won't agree to let us be his permanent legal guardians."

"I thought they wanted to get the older kids out of the system quickly" she commented, seeming to pout.

Each day it seemed that it would be less likely they would ever see Ryan again.

"They do" Sandy sighed, "They also need to make sure that their placements are safe, and the kids won't just run and slip through the cracks"

"Our home is safe" she raised her voice defensively.

Sandy approached his wife, rubbing her shoulders and neck, "I know that sweetie, and you know that… we just have to prove it to them, and as I said before, with Ryan's history here, that might not be so easy"

………………………………………..

Ryan wasn't in a good mood. He'd been woken at the crack of dawn to prepare breakfast for everyone, since Lorraine was " a little tired" as Mark put it.

Now he was here at the supermarket, after having to walk eight blocks, doing the grocery shopping while Mark 'attended' Lorraine and her hangover.

"Less vodka next time" Ryan had wanted to say. He'd seen the bottle in the kitchen this morning, nearly empty.

Whether they'd seen the look on his face then, or whether it was just Mark's revenge for last night, Ryan had ended up here with forty bucks, picking up an impossible week's groceries for six people.

He glanced at the list again, scribbled in Lorraine's childish writing. Ridiculous, he wanted to say. He wanted to scream, sit on the scuffed floor here and scream.

It was full of wishful-thinking items. Name brand products that cost more because they had commercial spots in the six o-clock news.

Even his mom hadn't been so… delusional.

Maybe this was a test, he thought.

Or maybe it was a mistake. Maybe Mark had meant to hand him sixty.

Forty dollars for six people, that was less than ten bucks a person. For a week. It was about thirty cents a meal.

A bread and butter diet.

Ryan hit the sale racks, full of fruit that was beginning to rot, and bread that was ready to mould, meat ready to turn. It was all they could afford.

He finally hit the checkouts after comparison shopping everything. The cashier barely smiled, which was fine with Ryan, because he didn't need to talk to anyone right now. Didn't want to.

"Forty – Seven Sixty" she told him.

Ryan froze. He hadn't even gotten brand names. He'd gotten half expired products. He'd done everything in his power to cut the cost of the bill, including cutting a third of the requested groceries, and it was still more than he had.

What could he take off?

The woman behind the counter must have noticed his frantic thinking because she fixed him with a stare, "You got it or not, food ain't free you know"

Ryan licked his lips, "I.. I've only got-" How was he supposed to go back to his new house without the groceries? He'd felt sure that this would be something he could do.

"Are… you sure you rang it all in right?" Ryan asked, not meaning to sound rude.

The woman stared at him with a scowl on her face, "Yea" she said, without looking at the receipt, "I am. You gonna pay for this or should I call someone to take it all back?"

"I'll pay the difference" a man's voice said from behind him.

Ryan felt a flush fill his cheeks and ears, "It's okay" he rushed, "I can just.. I'll take something off"

"Like what, the stale bread? The diapers?" the man asked, "Don't be stupid Ryan, I'll pay for it"

Ryan, until this point, had been too ashamed to look at whomever was offering charity.

"Mr. Symington?" he asked, his eyes widening.

"Phillip" the man corrected, smiling.

"I.. I can't take your money" Ryan told him.

"You're not" Phillip told him, "She is" he nodded at the grouchy cashier.

Ryan cracked a smile, "I.. I'm sorry, I'll pay you back it's just-"

"Ryan. Relax" he told him, setting a hand on his shoulder, "How much do you have?"

"Forty" Ryan replied,

"Seven bucks? You're arguing over seven dollars?" Phillip asked him surprised.

Ryan stared at the floor.

"I'm kidding, kid." Phillip replied, passing the cashier another twenty on top of Ryan's forty.

There was silence for a moment between them, the cashier handing Ryan Phillip's change. Ryan held it out for the man he barely knew, he shook his head.

"You probably need it more" Phillip said in way of explanation.

Ryan shook his head, continuing to hold out his palm. It was shaking.

It was amazing how nice it was to see someone he knew, even if he hardly knew that at all. It was… comforting in some way. It made him realize that his life in Newport hadn't been just a wonderful dream.

It had been his life. At least for a little while.

"Tell you what" Phillip said, turning to his as the cashier began ringing up his bill, "Let go grab something to drink, you can pay, and we'll call it even" he smiled.

Phillip was definitely a lot nicer when Ryan wasn't interrupting his wife and child's funeral.

The Hamiltons hadn't given him an expected time to be back. They'd just sent him to get the groceries.

"Sure" Ryan said, picking his three bags from the counter.

"You need to drop that stuff off some place first?" Phillip nodded his head to Ryan's bags.

"Uh.. yeah, maybe I should. You wanna meet some place?"

"Naw, I don't have anything perishable, don't need to go home and drop it off. We'll swing by and drop off your stuff, then head out. There's a coffee shop a couple blocks away from… from Arlington, we can go there"

Ryan nodded his head, tired of arguing with people.

He would let Phillip drive him to the Hamiltons to drop of the groceries. Then they wouldn't have anything to be mad at him for.

Except for maybe the near-mouldy bread.

……………………………

"Nice car" Ryan commented once they were driving. He was reminded of the day Sandy had taken him home to Newport.

"Yeah, great isn't it?"

"What do you do?" Ryan asked him.

"I work for the state, in Child Services"

"You make money there?" Ryan asked, surprised.

"No" Phillip laughed, "My wife had a good insurance policy"

Ryan stared at him.

"Sorry, bad joke" Phillip corrected. "It's the way I deal with things" he shrugged, "No, this is from wise investments, Rae was a genius with money"

Ryan nodded, then pointed to the small house he was staying in, "It's this one, right here"

Phillip pulled over to the side of the road and parked the car.

"You got those?" he asked Ryan, who nodded back.

"Back in a minute" he said, closing the car door gently.

"I'm back" Ryan announced, walking through the door. It didn't feel right. It didn't feel like home here.

It was, however, almost a relief to see that they hadn't packed up and left while he was out.

He made his way to the kitchen, where Lorraine and Mark sat at the wooden table smoking.

Ryan set the three bags on the table, turning his back to leave.

"Put 'em away" Lorraine told him.

Ryan stopped, ready to lash out an angry reply.

Try, he told himself.

Without a word he turned back and began unpacking the groceries quickly.

"Where's everything else?" Mark asked him.

"This is everything" Ryan told him, setting the diapers on the floor.

"That wasn't everything on the list"

He swallowed, "I didn't use the list"

"And why the hell not?" Lorraine demanded angrily.

"You didn't give me enough money to use the list" he shot back.

"I gave you eighty dollars" Mark shot back in reply, "How is that not enough?"

Eighty? Ryan wondered. Who was hung over this morning? "You gave me forty" Ryan corrected, "And for all this I was seven dollars short"

"I gave you eighty" Mark insisted, sending a look at Lorraine.

Now he was angry. "You gave me forty. That's what I counted when I left the house, it's what I counted at the grocery store and it's what I pulled from my pocket and handed the cashier"

"Where the hell is the change?" Mark demanded now, standing up.

"There wasn't any!" Ryan screamed back.

"You're here for one day and you steal our money?" Lorraine began from the chair she sat in.

Ryan turned his back. He wasn't putting up with this. Screw it, fuck trying. He was done.

"Don't you leave!"

He kept walking.

"You have chores to do!" Lorraine screeched.

"I'll do 'em later" Ryan shot back angrily, slamming the front door. He ran in to Phillip who had been trotting up the steps.

"Sorry" Ryan muttered.

"You okay?" he asked, turning around and following Ryan back to the car.

"Fine" Ryan replied… "just-" he waved his hands then shrugged his shoulders.

"Big talker, huh?" Phil asked him, once they were driving down the street.

Ryan shrugged again.

"So who was that… that was yelling?"

Ryan sighed. He knew it was coming. Questions always came with yelling. His neighbours had always sent him questioning glances. His teachers had always asked questions when a new bruise appeared.

But nothing was ever done about it.

Maybe because Ryan had always lied.

"Lorraine and Mark" Ryan said in way of explanation.

"From Canada. Yeah, I know them" Phil joked.

Ryan shot him a look, one he'd sent Seth many times.

"Told you comedy was my dealing tool" Phillip shrugged.

"No. it's okay. You remind me of Seth"

Phillip said nothing.

"My… friend, brother… something" He guessed he and Seth weren't brothers any longer.

"It's good to be friends with your brother" Phillip told him.

"No. I mean.. Seth's not… he's not like my real brother or anything…"

Confusion was written all over Phil's face and Ryan felt himself draw to the older version of Seth, explaining, in part, his history.

His dad, his mom, Chino, Newport, and now Chino. His incidents with the law, the accident that night with Phil's wife. He even told him his suspicion that A.J. had been the one driving and that his mother was an innocent, very drunken, innocent bystander.

With encouragement from Phil, a guy he hardly knew, Ryan spilled just about everything that formed his messed-up life.

They talked, they joked. It was three cups of coffee and two glasses of water later that Ryan looked at the clock on the wall behind the register and slapped his forehead.

It was eight thirty. He was past curfew.

……………………………………

Ryan woke up to sun pouring in through the dirty window of the bedroom. He squeezed his eyes shut, glancing around. Case wasn't in his bed, and according to the one alarm clock they had, it was eleven in the morning.

No one had spoken to him last night. Not Mark, not Lorraine. Not even to lecture him on the curfew. Ryan had gotten home around nine, and decided to crawl directly in to bed.

Now it was eleven in the morning, and no one had even woken him up to cook breakfast? To lecture him? To do chores?

He slipped on a pair of jeans and a fresh A-shirt, wandering slowly in to the kitchen.

"He rises" Lorraine smiled from the kitchen table. She sat, nursing a cup of coffee and the morning paper.

Mark was scrubbing out the sink with steel wool.

Ryan clenched his jaw. Lorraine was smiling, Mark wasn't yelling. What the hell was going on here? It was as if… as if yesterday had never happened, at all…

"Hey" Ryan finally said as a greeting.

"We decided to let you sleep in. We know it must be tough for you, moving in to a new place and all. Different rules etcetera to get used to.

Ryan studied them both warily.

"We won't bite, kid" Lorraine snorted, setting down the paper and stamping out a smoke in the over crowded ashtray.

"We do have some chores for you today though, if that's okay" Mark countered.

If that's okay? Ryan wondered. These two were on something. He was sure of it now. Crazy mood swings, accusations.

"That's… cool" Ryan finally said.

"List is on the fridge… not that they all need to be done today"

Ryan nodded. This was weird. This was… this was way weird.

"Here's the thing" Lorraine put in from the table.

He knew there had to be a 'but'.

"Mark and I are going away for one night… just to get away.. fix some… problems we've been having, get some time to ourselves. We're wondering if you could watch the kids. We could pay you" she put in, smiling.

Ryan almost laughed. Almost choked. Him, Ryan Atwood, baby sit?

He'd had friends that had kids when they were young, he'd known quite a few of Theresa's friends had had children already, but Ryan had never gone near them.

They screamed. They puked. They were… well they were fragile, and Ryan was used to using his fist to smash in to someone's face, not hold a bottle.

"I… don't know if I can.. I don't.. I don't know how" Ryan finally managed to explain.

Lorraine smiled, "It's easy. Sammy's eating solids now… he's starting to learn the concept of a toilet, he'll usually start to put up a fuss if he has to go. Klara doesn't make any trouble and Case can help you out. It shouldn't be a problem, it's only for one night, we'll be back tomorrow morning"

"Uh… sure" Ryan said. He was overwhelmed. After nine, all the kids were sleeping, so there was really only a couple waking hours he had to look after them, right?

"Thank you so much Ryan" Mark smiled at him from across the kitchen.

Ryan nodded, furrowing his brow. Maybe all Lorraine and Mark needed was a night away? Maybe yesterday was just a result of too much stress…

………………………………..


	17. Ryan Needs Help

**Facing the Past**

Chapter Seventeen

Phillip knocked on the solid wooden door. He wasn't sure why he was doing this, wasn't sure why he felt compelled to… help this kid but he did.

According to Ryan it was the same way Sandy had felt first meeting him.

Phil had finally settled it down to a few things. Simple things. The kid had had a shitty life. Then he'd been given a chance. Because of a number of extenuating circumstances, his chance had been taken away. Now he was miserable, stuck back in Chino where, in Ryan's words, "He didn't belong".

So the real question was, Why leave a kid some place where he's unhappy and set up to fail, instead of a place he could be very happy, and make something of his life.

Just the way Ryan talked about Seth he knew the two boys got along better than brothers. The Cohens offered a support system to Ryan, which was what her really needed.

The door swung open revealing a man of about fifty whom Phillip knew to be more accommodating than he looked.

"John" Phillip greeted.

"Hey Phillip, I didn't think you were back in the office yet, you were –"

"Taking a leave, I know, and I did, but it just doesn't feel right not being around all this" Phil smiled at the man, following him in to the office.

"So what brings you here?" John asked him, sitting himself down in a large leather chair.

"Business, mostly"

"As always, what can I help you with?"

Phillip smiled. He and John had been friends since high school at Chino Hills. They both understood the system there, and they both understood that Chino could swallow a person alive, including their dreams.

"I know this kid, John. He's a good kid, and he's at a placement I can see he doesn't like. Thing is, he has people that love him, care for him, want to be his parents… "

John shook his head slowly, "You've lost me, Phil, you know I don't deal with the placements themselves, you'd have to speak with the kid's social worker"

"That's the thing, John. This isn't a normal case. Social services doesn't believe that placing this kid with the people who care about him is his best option, ridiculous, right?"

"Sounds like it so far" John admitted, "What's the catch?"

"Kid comes from Chino. I mean the right-down-town-walk-outside-and-you'll-be-shot part of Chino. His family history frankly sucks, no parents around, so as far as the kid's concerned, he needs to fight to survive. Few months ago his defence lawyer takes him in for a couple nights, turns in to a long stay when the kid's mother abandons him for a second time. Loving home, great school, kid's got friends, a girlfriend and a few black marks appear on his record, namely for fighting…. Suddenly he can't stay with these great people anymore, and he's whisked back to Chino by Child Services –"

John was nodding his head now, he raised his hand to silence Phillip, "The Atwood kid, right? Sandy put you up to this?"

Phil shook his head, "I met this kid through… well weird circumstances –"

"Weird?"

Phil looked at the man dressed in dark robes, his friend for years. "His mother was in the car that killed Rae"

John's face fell, "I'm sorry, Phillip"

"Thanks John. Thing is, the kid shows up at the funeral, pisses me off to start with, I ran in to him yesterday John, the kid was obviously unhappy, he wants to be back with the Cohens."

"Kids can't always have what they want" John shrugged, "Look, I already talked to Sandy about this and –"

"John!" Phillip pleaded, "Listen to me, as your friend for years. Remember when we were growing up? Why put another kid through that when he has a safe place to stay. He has reasons for doing what he did, they're just not acceptable to the judicial system or Child Services, but to us, to anyone from Chino or a rough area, they are at very least understandable."

John said nothing so Phil kept going.

"The fight where he beat up that kid? He did it because that kid beat himself up twice, beat his brother up once, then he shows up at the house? We both know how Ryan was perceiving that John. As a threat. Tell me you wouldn't do the same if some stranger walked in to your house, with your family, and threatened it!"

"We can't have vigilantes running amok in our society, it undermines the entire legal system!"

"I know that, John, just as you know it. But do you _understand_ why he did it? Wouldn't you do the same thing? It wasn't revenge! It was an answer to a serious threat!"

John let out a long breath, leaning back in his chair. His fingers rubbed the grey stubble on his chin for a few moments.

"I still don't see how I can impact the Child Services department" he sighed.

Phillip smiled, "I do" he replied, handing John a package of legal documents.

………………………………………….

Kirsten, Sandy and Seth were all sitting down to a silent dinner of Thai when a knock on the door echoed through the kitchen.

They all looked at each other for a few beats before Kirsten stood up to answer it.

She swung the door inward, stepping back a few feet, to reveal a man who looked to be in his forties, a tad of greying hair at his temples. The man looked determined.

And Phillip was. He didn't know these people, only that Ryan cared a great deal about being with them. They had to be nice, understanding people.

John Ryker had finally gotten around to reading through and signing the applicable forms today. Phillip had been hoping to be able to visit the Cohens sooner, but he didn't want to show up with an empty promise. It had been four days since his visit with John, five since he'd last seen Ryan.

"Hi" Phillip greeted, he couldn't keep the large smile off his face.

Kirsten smiled briefly back, "Can I help you?" she asked, looking for whatever the man was selling.

Phil noticed, "I'm not here to sell anything… I mean, except an idea. I just, sorry I'll start over" he was too excited.

Someone approached Kirsten from behind, a man about her age with dark wavy hair.

He introduced himself to Sandy, who shook his hand as well.

"I'm sorry, nervous.. happy" Phillip babbled, "You don't know me, my name is Phillip Symington and –"

"Ryan's not here" a voice interrupted him from behind Kirsten.

"Seth" Kirsten lectured silently.

Phil smiled, "So you're Seth?" he asked the boy.

Seth stared back at him.

"Maybe you should come in" Sandy finally said, backing out of the way to let Phillip through.

Phil smiled.

………………………………………

Ryan sat on the small wooden porch to his 'home'. He snorted at the thought, taking another drag on the cigarette between his fingers.

It was dark, late. He had last checked the clock at two in the morning, when Sammy had woken him up with his crying.

He had found a few packs of smokes a couple days ago, when he was sorting through the Hamiltons' things trying to figure out the place they were staying.

They had left for the night, after leaving Ryan to babysit. Ryan had even been feeling fairly confident on his child care skills.

At least until mid afternoon the next day.

When Mark and Lorraine still weren't home.

It was a set up, he told himself. They were gone, they didn't want anything to do with us anymore.

Ryan lit another smoke, listening past the propped door to make sure the kids were still sleeping.

He hadn't called Catherine yet. He didn't want to. If he called someone, it made the situation all the more real.

He had made someone leave again, only this time, it wasn't just himself, it was three other kids as well.

If he called someone, it meant that Mark and Lorraine were gone for sure, that they would all be placed some where else in the system, and frankly, Ryan wasn't sure he wanted to meet another set of Lorraine-and-Mark.

He didn't want to be re-placed.

They had been steadily running out of food. The groceries Ryan had bought hadn't lasted two days. Namely because most of them had finally turned. The fruit was gone, Ryan had chucked it as soon as he saw fruit flies doing their little dance around the bruised apples.

The meat they had cooked on their first day alone, for dinner.

Ryan had suddenly been very glad that he had learned to cook at such a young age.

The children had been pestering him since Mark and Lorraine had left.

"Where mom, where dad?" Sammy kept asking.

Klara's eyes told the story, that she knew. After a couple days they seemed to get even sadder when she realised they were now on their own.

Case had surprised him by throwing a tantrum, then bursting in to tears.

That had been interesting, Ryan thought back. It was the first time he had ever hugged someone first, willingly.

But something inside him had changed. Ryan had felt it. The kids were first, he knew after the parents had left. Just as he'd looked after Trey, despite the fact that Trey was older.

Just as he'd watched over Theresa on the playground. Just as he felt the need to watch over Seth.

He was the protector of innocence. Ryan snorted again in amusement, throwing his smoke butt in to the overgrown front lawn.

If he were the protector of innocence, he was also the breaker of it, because today he'd fallen back to his old ways.

He thought back to the woman sitting outside the supermarket, waiting for a bus. How surprised would she be when she realised her wallet had been stolen. From someone towing around three kids to top it off.

The wallet was inside on the kitchen table, beside the man's he had stolen earlier. Men were easier, the woman just happened to be there.

He had kept the wallets, instead of tossing them, simply because he wanted, one day, to be able to…

To what? Ryan asked himself. To write them? To apologize?

No. he wanted to send what was stolen from them back.

He definitely wasn't a Chino kid anymore. Ryan let out a yawn, his eyes watered.

He hadn't had a good sleep since the night he'd gotten home from talking with Phillip. The night it felt like weights had been removed from his shoulders.

Inside he heard Sammy let out a loud cry. He hadn't cried this much before, Ryan thought, getting up from the porch.

When he entered Sammy and Klara's room, he saw Klara sitting up in her bed, eyes twinkling in the dark. She was staring at the two year old across the room who was throwing a fit.

"Sammy" Ryan comforted, lifting the kid from his railed bed. He rubbed the kids back, walking around the room in circles. This had worked before, it had worked the night Mark and Lorraine left.

It wasn't working now. Sammy's screams just kept getting louder.

He shared a glance with wide-eyed Klara, who sat on the bed staring at him.

"I'm sorry" he told her. He was sorry about this mess, about Mark leaving, and Lorraine. He was sorry that Sammy was keeping her up at night, but most of all, Ryan was sorry that he was finally going to call someone.

Let them know that the Hamiltons were no longer around.

Her eyes showed understanding, and if Ryan didn't know better, it looked like a small smile was on her lips.

He paused. He hadn't ever seen this little girl smile before, he held out his hand to her, "you want to come sit outside?" he asked.

Klara jumped from the bed and grabbed Ryan's hand, "lets go wake up Case too" he whispered in to the night.

He flicked on the hall light, entering his and Case' room to find the twelve year old already awake and waiting.

"Are you calling them?" Case asked Ryan, meeting his eyes.

Ryan's breath caught, "I'm sorry… I have to, I can't.." he tried to explain.

Case nodded solemnly, getting out of bed he followed Ryan and the kids in to the kitchen.

The kids had all been fairly quiet the past couple days. Case had told him he didn't want to move again, which was partly the reason Ryan had not called Catherine prior to this. Even Klara had been more responsive.

Not that she had really spoken, but her eyes seemed… brighter… inquisitive.

Ryan knew she understood everything that was happening.

Sammy let out another loud wail, causing the other kids to slam their hands over their ears and whisper "shhh" out of habit.

Ryan smiled, hoping he was doing the right thing.

Placing Sammy on the table still wailing loudly, Ryan grabbed the plastic phone from the charger, punching in a number he had long since remembered.

It was Kirsten that answered this time as well. She must be closer to the phone, Ryan reasoned, remembering the last time he'd called so early in the morning.

"hi Kirsten" Ryan managed to get out.

There was a pause, "Ryan?" she asked, "Why… what's wrong?"

What wasn't? Ryan asked himself. "Uhh.."

"Is that a kid crying?" she asked.

Ryan turned, glancing at Sammy who was red faced. Ryan opened the fridge, grabbing a sip cup and giving it to Sammy, kissing him on the forehead.

It was hot. Sammy's forehead that was. He wasn't sure how he hadn't noticed it before, but the kid seemed to be burning up.

Sammy threw the sip cup at Ryan, causing it to bounce off his shin. Ryan let out a hiss of pain, the kid had an arm too.

"Ryan?" Kirsten's worried voice questioned.

"Yea, sorry. The crying is Sammy.. I think he has a fever… or something" Ryan rubbed his shin.

"Where are his… where are the parents?" Kirsten asked, closing her eyes and biting her lip.

"They…." Ryan found he couldn't seem to get it out.

"They left, didn't they?" Kirsten knew. She just knew. Maybe it was the sound of Ryan's defeated voice in the phone at… two in the morning that told her, or maybe it was just a mom thing, but somehow, Kirsten knew.

"Where are you?" Kirsten asked, grabbing a notepad from the night table.

Ryan repeated the address, then paused, "Can you.. bring Sandy?" Ryan asked in a whispered tone.

"We'll both be there shortly… " Kirsten said, hopping out of bed and shaking Sandy awake.

"Do you have a thermometer? To take Sammy's temperature?" Kirsten asked, mothering skills taking over.

"I… don't know" Ryan said, "Where… where would it be?" he asked.

"Try the dish cupboard, or where ever the bandages and that are kept" Kirsten told him, taking the phone away from her mouth to whisper to Sandy.

"We have to go, now. Ryan needs us" she explained.

Sandy jumped out of bed, more awake than he'd ever been in the mornings. Kirsten smiled, the two of them sure the hell loved this kid.

"Uhh.. Kirsten, I found one" Ryan said, holding the thermometer in his spare hand.

"Great, now what kind is it?" Kirsten asked him.

Ryan studied the thermometer in his hand. "Uhh.. I… don't know"

"Is it in a plastic casing?" she asked.

Ryan nodded, then realised she couldn't see him, "Yea" he told her.

"Take it apart and see if the instructions are still there" Kirsten ordered him.

Ryan took the thermometer from it's casing, it was in an odd shape. He studied the casing looking for clues.

"The ear" he finally told her, looking at the small pictures on the casing.

Kirsten let out a small laugh, "Kid, you don't know how much you just lucked out" Kirsten told him, "This is easy Ryan… just hold the thermometer in Sammy's ear until it beeps and gives you a reading, then read it back. I'm gonna give the phone to Sandy so I can get dressed" she finished.

"Hey kid" Sandy greeted him over the phone.

"Hey" Ryan let out, watching the small apparatus. Sammy was, incredibly, managing to wail without moving his head much.

It beeped, and he checked it. " 101.7" he read back to Sandy. He could hear Sandy repeating it to Kirsten.

"The Kirsten says that it's high, but at home treatable for now. She needs you to try and find some medicine for children with fevers… How old is Sammy?"

"About two" Ryan replied, unsure exactly.

"Okay, Kirsten says to use some cool clothes if you can't find any medicine. She's going to grab some from here, and we'll be there shortly…. You okay kid?" Sandy asked.

"Uh, yea… great" Ryan muttered, looking down at the three kids sitting in the kitchen. "Can you be… quick?" he asked.

Sandy let out a laugh, "Yea kid, we'll go as fast as we can"

Ryan hung up the phone, setting it on the kitchen table he looked at Case, "Do you know if Lorraine has any kid's medicine?" Ryan asked.

Case shrugged, but Klara took off down the hall to the washroom.

She re entered the kitchen carrying an old brown metal medicine chest, setting it on the table.

"Thanks" Ryan told her, opening the lid. It was full of old prescription medicine and some Contact-C. He dug out a bottle of Robitussin, half empty, and checked it. It didn't say it was for kids.

He kept digging, about to admit defeat when he saw a small bottle full of purple syrup.

Children's Motrin, he read. For relief of pain and fevers.

Ryan breathed a sigh of relief, flipping over to the instructions, looking for a dosage.

………………………………………

By the time Sandy and Kirsten pulled up to the small house in Chino, Sammy was fast asleep in Ryan's lap. They were all sitting on the porch with the light on, staring quietly in to the semi-darkness.

Ryan had been eyeing his cigarettes warily for the past forty five minutes or so, then looking at Sammy.

He couldn't do that to a kid. Someone who had no say.

So the red Marlboro softpak lay on the steps, just out of reach.

"Ryan?" Kirsten called out, emerging from the car. Ryan stood up, holding Sammy in his arms, he felt a tired Klara and Case stand beside him. Klara grabbed his arm, hiding behind him.

Ryan was afraid that Kirsten would squish the kid he was holding, he took a step back and Kirsten finally let go.

"Is this?" she asked.

Ryan nodded, "Sammy, Case and Klara" he pointed at each one in turn.

Tears began to run down Kirsten's face, "How long since you saw-"

"four days or so" Ryan whispered, hanging his head.

"Why didn't you call?" she asked, wiping her cheeks.

"I…" Why hadn't he called. It all seemed so stupid now. Stupid reasons. He shrugged as Sandy approached, a tussled Seth following in his wake.

"I wouldn't let them leave without me" Seth smiled largely. "Their fault they woke me up anyways" Seth grinned, holding out a fist.

Ryan would have bumped knuckles with him, if Klara hadn't been tightly grasping on to his arm. He looked down, and Seth seemed to understand, dropping his hand.

"We leave you alone for a couple days and look what happens" Seth joked, "You've been busy" he cocked an eyebrow at Ryan.

Ryan let out a quiet laugh.

"Did you find anything for –"

Ryan nodded at the bottle sitting on the porch, beside his smokes. Kirsten's gaze followed.

"Children's Motrin, Seth's medicine of choice" Kirsten commented.

Seth stiffened, "It comes in good flavours" he defended himself.

Ryan grinned.

"Marlboro, not such a great choice for kids" Sandy couldn't let it pass.

Ryan bit his lip, "I'm sorry I just…"

Kirsten shot Sandy a look, quieting him. "Not that I'm defending your smoking, Ryan, I just feel that now isn't quite the time to deal with that" Kirsten told him, sharing a look that said he would get the lecture later.

"Let me take him" Kirsten nodded to Sammy, "Give you a rest"

Ryan nodded, carefully handing Sammy over to Kirsten who took him gently.

His arms felt like dead weights. Ironically they also felt incredibly light, as if he'd been lifting for hours and was finally free of them.

"I guess we'd better call Child Services" Sandy said, he paused at the door to the house, "And we have a lot to talk about" he finished, sending a glance at Ryan and thinking of Phillip.

He knew Phillip hadn't told the kid anything, out of fear that nothing would come from it.

Hell, Sandy knew that even now nothing may come of it, but he was also positive that he couldn't hold such good news, such a good chance, away from Ryan.

Yes, they all had much to talk about.


	18. Escape

**Facing the Past**

Chapter Eighteen

Ryan sat in the hospital waiting room beside Kirsten, Seth and Sandy. Catherine had insisted Sammy be taken to the hospital, she was outside making a few calls right now.

As a precaution, she had said. Ryan knew it was now her ass on the line if something was seriously wrong with Sammy, since Lorraine and Mark had taken off.

The past few hours were somewhat of a blur. After Sandy had called Catherine on her cell phone to report the situation a silence had settled over them all.

Ryan shifted in his chair, his glance never leaving the tile of the hospital floor. They were back at Chino Valley Med Centre, a place that in Ryan's opinion, he never wanted to be again. Hurt or not.

Catherine had let the Cohens drive him to the hospital, due to lack of transportation means. She took Case and Klara, who had screamed and cried when her and Ryan had been separated.

Ryan had wanted to tell Sandy to keep driving. Not to go to the hospital, not to follow Catherine in. But he knew it wasn't likely to happen, so he'd kept his mouth shut.

So far nothing had been said as to what would happen with the four kids. Their lives, it seemed, were hanging in the balance.

Sandy and Kirsten had told him of Phillip's visit and the fact that they were in the midst of preparing adoption papers for him.

In the midst were the key words. Not yet completed, Ryan told himself. He didn't want to get his hopes up. What were the chances the adoption would be approved anyways? With his past in Newport. What were the chances the adoption wouldn't take a year or more? With all the legal documents having to be filed and taken care of.

A lone figure approached them, Ryan didn't have to look up to know it was Catherine.

"Maybe we should go somewhere and talk" she directed to Sandy and Kirsten.

Ryan lifted his head to look at them, their expressions were bewildered.

His hopes climbed. Maybe she had to talk to them because she'd decided Ryan could stay with them for now?

He pushed the thought away, trying to forget it to save himself the disappointment if it didn't happen. The thought remained as Kirsten and Sandy stood to follow her.

"Maybe it's good news" Seth countered, but unlike Ryan who had been checking out the floor, he had seen Catherine's face when she had spoke with his parents.

Ryan didn't say anything.

"You know, as a Cohen you learn a few things" Seth began, looking over at his brother.

Ryan seemed defeated.

"Like eavesdropping" Seth suggested.

Ryan looked up, raising his eyebrows. Seth smiled and promptly stood. "Lets go" he said.

………………………………

They had been lucky, the three adults had left the door to the small office open.

" – feel that at the moment, no decision is to be made, even considering your current actions against Child Services" Catherine was saying.

"You think we're going against you?" Sandy asked, incredulous.

"Well, you are completely appealing our decision as to Ryan's placement, and even manoeuvring around us for the adoption. But that is besides the point. Right now it's" there was a pause, " After four in the morning. We're all tired and a little emotional right now, the only option is to place Ryan and the rest of the children in the group centre"

"Like a shelter" Kirsten put in, angrily.

"It's a very structured environment" Catherine defended.

"And how long are we suppose to leave Ryan there?"

"He'll be there until another placement is found, or until your adoption is finalized, assuming a judge will approve it" Catherine replied.

"He called us, when he needed help, doesn't that say anything?" Kirsten cried.

Ryan pulled himself away from the door at this point, pressing himself against a wall.

He knew it. There was no hope for him. He had screwed everything up.

He wanted to sink to the floor and give up.

Seth followed his movements, nudging him in the side, "We gotta go, they're coming to get us" he said.

Ryan looked at him and could see the disappointment, the hurt, written all over Seth's face as well.

"We could still talk" Seth said, once they had gotten back to the black plastic chairs.

Ryan didn't even admit a response.

A group centre. It sounded almost like juvie, minus the cells.

"I need to go to the washroom" Ryan told Seth, standing up. None of the adults had returned from their 'meeting'.

And Ryan didn't want to be anywhere near the hospital when they did.

If he went now, and went fast, he was sure he could get back to the house and grab a few things like clothes before he took off.

"You're running away, aren't you?" Seth asked.

He knew this Ryan.

Ryan froze, and Seth made a decision. "Go" he told him.

He didn't want to see his brother placed in a centre. He didn't want to see him on the streets either, but at least that was what Ryan seemed to want.

He had to help him.

"I'll cover for you" Seth said, standing and pulling out his wallet.

"Seth –" Ryan began, backing away.

Seth handed him the small stack of twenties in his wallet, then hesitated. He added his bank card. "Take it" he said, holding up his hands, "Checking, the PIN is 'Summer'.

Ryan stared at him, silent for a moment. "I can't –"

"You need it more than I do right now. I know you're good for it, you'll pay it back as soon as we get you home. Until then, you take that money and you disappear. Keep in touch" he told his brother, holding out his knuckles.

Ryan bumped them with his own, then without another thought took off down the hall.

Seth sat back down in the chairs, waiting for his parents' return.

………………………………………

The sun was shining on to a hazy Chino by the time Ryan was leaving on a bus. He had taken a taxi from the hospital, grabbing one that was waiting already.

According to the taxi driver, Ryan's name was now 'Chris'.

He had made it to the house and quickly thrown his things in to his army duffel, grabbing a loaf of bread from the kitchen on his way out. He wasn't sure where he was going, yet, and didn't know when he'd be eating next.

Ryan had almost made it to the taxi before he remembered the two wallets on the kitchen table. He ran back to grab them both and made his way back to the waiting driver.

He sat at the bus station now, staring at the departure board, unsure of where to go. He only knew he should go quickly.

If he made it out of Chino, chances were that Child Services would never find him. He would slip through the cracks.

…………………………………….

The ride home was anything but silent for Seth.

"They just don't realise that kids like Ryan will simply slip through the cracks, disappear and start living on the streets" Sandy was ranting up front.

Kirsten was silently agreeing, making an odd noise in her throat every once in awhile.

"He'll be back, he just went to the washroom" Seth had lied when his parents and Catherine had returned to where he was sitting.

It was ten minutes later he offered to check on him.

He stayed in the washrooms for another fifteen before he had gone back to report Ryan was missing. "I checked all the washrooms" Seth had told them. He hoped Ryan had a good enough head start.

Seth didn't want to let on he knew anything about Ryan's disappearance. The less people he told, the less chance they had of finding him.

It was like old times, only this time Ryan wasn't hiding out in one of his mom's developments.

His parents waited until they got home to start with him. They railroaded him in the kitchen, grabbing a glass of milk.

"You know where he is, Seth!" Kirsten accused, at the same time pleading.

"Seth, you have to tell us where he is. You can get in a lot of trouble this time" Sandy put in. "He can get in a lot of trouble, he broke his probation – again"

Seth rolled his eyes, "More trouble than he was in when he burnt down your house, mom?"

"you do know where he is!" Sandy's eyes nearly popped out of his skull.

Seth sighed. "I don't, actually. Not yet, but I was covering for him" he cringed at his parents looks, "And I may have given him some money" he countered.

Sandy enveloped him in a hug, taking out his wallet he handed a few fifties to Seth, "When you see him, give this to Ryan."

"uhh, dad, I'm not sure if I will be seeing Ryan"

"Don't be an idiot" Kirsten told him, "Ryan loves us, he trusts us, he wouldn't go far."

Seth wasn't sure whether she was trying to convince him, or herself.

…………………………………….

Ryan couldn't believe he was doing this.

Heading back to Newport. But in all reality, it was probably one of the last places Social Services would check, if only because it was such an obvious answer.

He would stay down around the numbered streets of Newport, maybe stay at a motel for a few days, see how things were going.

The plan had been formulated on his bus trip to Newport, which had taken nearly two hours due to it's stops in other cities.

He could call Seth. He might even, after feeling them out, be able to talk to Kirsten and Sandy, let them know he was safe.

Maybe he could see Marissa. God, how he wanted to see Marissa.

…………………………...............

Sandy waited for the man to come on the line, impatiently. It had been a few days since Ryan had disappeared. He didn't even think Seth, who was moping around the house, had seen or talked to him.

"hello?" a voice asked, picking up the line.

"Is this Phillip Symington?" Sandy asked,

"Yea it is" Phillip replied.

"Great, this is Sandy Cohen –"

"Sandy, great to hear from you" Phillip replied happily.

"Yeah… so I was wondering how long it would take for the papers to go through" Sandy countered.

"I see you are a man who doesn't beat around the bush" Phil laughed, "I'm pushing it through as fast as I can Sandy, I really am"

Sandy swallowed, "Could you… could you push faster, I'm not sure how much time we have"

"What do you mean, is everything okay with Ryan?"

"Well… he has… he disappeared" Sandy began to explain the situation.

"I'll do what I can Sandy, no worries there. Can you let me know when you hear from him… if you hear from him?" Phillip corrected himself.

Sandy sighed, "Yea, I figure the whole world will hear our screams of joy when we hear from him anyways"

"You're worried about him"

"I…. I can't even sleep decently at night" Sandy admitted to this half stranger.

"I know the feeling, I get it when ever Josh stays over at a friend's house" Phil laughed.

Sandy smiled, "That's the one" he admitted.

"Look Sandy, I'll talk to a few people, see what I can do. Call me in a couple days, okay?"

"Sure" Sandy said, hanging up the phone and fixing his gaze on the clock above his door.

……………………………………

"Dad, we need to talk" Kirsten said entering Caleb's office and closing the door behind her.

"If this is another setback with the new development Kiki –"

"Nothing to do with business, dad"

Caleb's face fell in to a frown, "What is it then?"

Kirsten took a deep breath, "Ryan" she finally let out.

Kirsten hadn't been able to sleep a sound night since he'd disappeared. Kids weren't supposed to live on streets, they were supposed to live in safe, happy homes.

"That kid that burned down the development to begin with?" Caleb questioned.

"Dad" Kirsten said sternly, "Look, that kid, as you call him, has been my family's glue for the past few months. For some reason, he's kept everything together, with him gone it's like… it's like we'll never be a family again, like after mom died" Kirsten explained.

Caleb was listening now.

"He ran away, he didn't want to go in to a group home, so he took off almost a week ago now, Sandy and I are in the midst of the adoption papers –"

"You're adopting him?!" Caleb questioned surprised, "He burns down your house and you decide to keep him, and without even consulting me –"

"Dad!" Kirsten raised her voice, "This isn't about you, it's not about some stupid development, it's about my… it's about Sandy's and my son. We want him home, now. We're expecting that Seth will hear from him in a couple days, and it would be great if when he called, we could tell him that he has a home to go to."

"And what do you want me to do about it?"

"Dad, you know people. Our papers are being held up by Ryan's social worker, she doesn't understand the whole situation…. I've never asked for your help before dad, and I'm asking now, please, Sandy, Seth and I really, really need your help"

……………………………………………….

Ryan sat in the wet sand wearing clean jeans and a wifebeater. He had just finished his laundry at the coin place and returned it to the small cheap room he was staying in.

It was on the outskirts of Newport, a cheap little hotel that wasn't necessarily clean, but a place he could sleep.

It had been a week or so since he had left the hospital and run away. Tonight would have to be the last night at the hotel, he knew. He didn't want to use up too much of Seth's money.

Ironically, tomorrow it was supposed to rain. He'd only ever seen it rain one other time since he'd come to Newport. The California sun here was as dependable as old Faithful.

The majority of Ryan's days had been spent trying to find small odd jobs around town to do. There weren't very many, but he had a few regulars now.

He broke down boxes for a couple places and tied them up for recycling. Another guy got him to pass out fliers for his new restaurant, or pick up the strewn garbage from parking lots.

It was a few bucks here and there that fed him, or did his laundry.

He missed everyone. Could feel the ache in his bones when he thought about them. It seemed worse now than it had before. Maybe it was the fact that he was so close to them, and yet so far away.

He skipped another shell in to the ocean, a pastime he'd had since coming here. Something to do with his hands, mainly.

He thought of Seth, who would probably be at school right now. At school with Summer and Marissa. He wondered how they were. How Sandy and Kirsten were.

He even wondered how Sammy, Klara and Case were dealing with their new lives.

Ryan bit his lip. Maybe he could… call them. Just a quick call to Seth, to see how the kid was doing. Let him know that he was okay.

He smiled wistfully at the thought of Seth's banter and witty jokes. He smiled even more at the thought of Marissa's beautiful face.

Ryan stood, brushing the sand from himself and made his way to a payphone. Just a quick call, Ryan told himself. That was safe.

…………………………………………..

He wasn't sure how Seth had talked him in to meeting him. Well, Ryan figured it may have had something to do with Marissa, whom he had promised to bring along.

He was at the pier now, leaning on the railing and staring out in to the Pacific. Great for ideas, he thought, remembering the map Seth had given to him when he was first leaving.

Ryan heard a loud thumping sound one the dock behind him, he turned paranoid towards it and found himself covered with Marissa, who was now clinging to his neck, her head buried on his shoulder.

Ryan smiled, nodding his head at Seth and Summer who stood behind Marissa.

"Hey man" Seth greeted when Marissa finally let go of his brother.

They bumped knuckles.

"Chino" Summer greeted. Ryan noticed her hand was intertwined with Seth's. They both seemed happy.

"God Ryan, I didn't think I'd ever see you again!" Marissa told him, clutching his arm.

"Hey, remember what I-" Seth began

"yea, yea, no lectures" Summer repeated, rolling her eyes.

Ryan grinned, it was so good to see them. It felt like it had been years. He squeezed Marissa's hand.

"So, Ryan, if we can convince you to come, there's this dinner thing tonight at our place –"

"I don't know Seth"

"It'll be fine, the 'rents already know that I know… well you know. It's safe" Seth finished lamely.

"How come we weren't invited to this dinner?" Summer asked suddenly.

Seth tilted his head and looked up at the sky.

"Summer, I don't think anyone but Seth knew about the dinner tonight" Marissa smiled sweetly, catching on.

"Okay, you caught me… Ryan?" he asked, pleadingly.

Ryan was still hesitant.

"You know, you could always just take off again if you don't like it!" Seth pointed out, jokingly.

Ryan shrugged, "Alright, I'm starved anyways. Free food"

"And Mom's not cooking" Seth pointed out, a look came across his face then, "Oh, I'm supposed to give you this, from Sandy. I'm sorry man, it's been through the wash a couple times… I've just been keeping it in my pocket, just in case…" he handed Ryan an envelope.

Ryan peeked inside and immediately handed it back to Seth. "I can't, sorry"

"Fine, you keep it until tonight, then explain to Sandy why you can't take it" Seth smiled at him.

Ryan glared, following them towards the parking lot.


	19. Brothers

**Facing the Past**

Chapter Nineteen

The closer the Rover got to the Cohen house, the more Ryan's stomach seemed to want to escape via his mouth.

His palms were sweaty, he knew because he had to keep wiping them on his jeans every two minutes.

Seth had to be nervous too, because he really hadn't said a word since they'd all left the pier. Not even Marissa or Summer spoke up from the backseat.

Ryan found himself staring out the window, watching the now familiar sights pass him by. He remembered the first time he had driven past all this with Sandy. Ryan had wanted to laugh and cry at the same time.

Laugh because people here seemed to have no worries about their financial future. Driving the best and newest cars with the loudest stereos. No kids here wore hooded sweatshirts and A-shirts from the local Walmart.

He had wanted to cry for the same reason, because everyone here seemed so entirely wrapped up in their Newport bubble, that they didn't know or even care about the people like him. It was sad, really.

"So.." Seth countered as he pulled the Rover in to the driveway.

Ryan glanced over at him, lifting his eyebrows.

"Uh, yeah, uhm… well it doesn't look like they're home yet so…"

Silence reigned once again.

"Grand Theft Auto?" Seth suggested.

"ooh, I love that game" Summer let out, "You get to –" she stopped and stared at Ryan who offered a wan smile.

"Been there, hit that state of awkwardness" Seth smiled as he got out of the car.

Ryan was the last to get out of the car, the trio waited anxiously. He glanced at Marissa, who smiled tentatively, holding out her hand.

"Look, if you don't want to –" Seth started, "I'll understand"

Ryan pressed his toes in to his grubby shoes. Did he want to do this? Part of him said yes, another part of him said no.

He wanted to see Kirsten and Sandy, spend some time with Seth… his family. Marissa.

He didn't want to be caught. Or yelled at. He wasn't sure what Kirsten and Sandy's reaction to him would even be. He had, essentially, up and left without a trace for a week. This was worse than hiding out in a development for a couple days.

But Sandy had given him that money. Didn't that mean there was some sort of approval?

Or maybe a trick. To get him to trust, to come back. If that was the case, he was falling for it head first.

"No, I'll…" he didn't finish the statement, instead he followed Seth and Summer inside, hand intertwined with Marissa's.

"I'm glad you're back" Marissa told him as they sat on the couch waiting for Seth to return.

"I'm not –" Ryan started. Stopped. Was he back? He couldn't be back. According to Social Services, to Catherine, the Cohens were no longer his family. He couldn't stay here, hiding out with the Cohens. It wouldn't work. Eventually, someone would see him and tell.

"It's not… permanent" Ryan finally told her, looking at his lap.

"But… you're here, right, why don't you just stay? I'm sure the Cohens wouldn't –"

Ryan snorted. "And what, I couldn't register for school, or even a job. It wouldn't exactly be inconspicuous" Ryan told her.

Marissa bit her lip, "But they're your –"

"Not anymore" he snapped. Because they weren't. His family. Not any more. He didn't even want to get in to it with Marissa, he knew it was still a sore spot for him.

He'd had hope here, of a future, of a career… of a family. And now…Now all there was was this small voice at the back of his head reminding him that Kirsten and Sandy were going through the adoption process.

A process that may, or may not, be approved.

"I'm sorry, it's just… can we not talk about this?"

"Yea.. I'm… sorry" Marissa said meekly. He noticed she'd withdrawn her hand from his.

Seth entered the room, balancing an assortment of snack food. "We have pop, popcorn, chips, cheesies and pretzels" he made a face, "Those are mom's"

"Uh, aren't we here for dinner?" Summer asked.

"Appetizer" Seth shrugged, "Videogames give me the munchies"

Summer shook her head. "You're a pig, Cohen"

"Hey, I've seen you eat, you're not a pretty sight yourself" Seth shot back, precariously setting things down one at a time.

Summer shot him a death glare, then eyed the pretzels.

"All yours" Seth noticed handing them to her, "Don't need a rage blackout". He turned to Ryan and Marissa who were seated on the couch, "And what can I get our resident couch potatoes?"

"Nothing" Ryan told him.

Marissa shrugged.

"If there's nothing appealing, there's more in the –"

"No thanks" Ryan interrupted.

"Oh. I see. Now that we're back home you're the un-talkative bunny again" Seth remarked.

Ryan shot him a look.

"Early morning cartoon" Seth explained, "A great one, like Happy Little Tree Friends or –" he noticed everyone staring at him, "Never mind" he finished, plopping himself beside Summer.

"So, what are we gonna play?" Summer broke the silence.

No one answered.

"Oookay, Grand Theft it is" she said, grabbing the case.

"Already in there" Seth remarked, finishing off a handful of popcorn. He shot a glance at Ryan. "You okay man?"

"Yeah, fine" Ryan replied.

Being back at the Cohens wasn't weird. Not at all. Not compared to… well, a dog with three heads or something.

…………………………………….

"Hey honey, what brings you home so late?" Sandy asked, waiting at the doorstep for his wife.

Kirsten made a face, "Newpsie meeting, and you?"

"Well, obviously nothing as.. important and interesting as a meeting with Newport's finest ladies" Sandy joked.

Kirsten laughed, "Try saying that without the sarcasm next time Sandy"

"I tried!" he protested, "I practise in the mirror and everything! It just…"

He was interrupted with Kirsten's kiss.

"Seth's home" She said when they parted.

"Yea… we could just avoid him and sneak up to the room.."

Kirsten laughed, "Only for him to interrupt two minutes later for dinner"

"Good point" he whispered, holding the door open for her.

"Seth!" Kirsten called once she entered, "Dinner!"

"Liar" Sandy commented, "We don't have dinner yet"

"It gets him to come faster" Kirsten remarked, "See" she said, Seth was sliding across the kitchen floor in his socked feet.

"Like a dog with a bell" Sandy commented dryly.

"Hey mom, dad" Seth greeted, standing apprehensively at the entrance to the living room. Sandy could hear the faint sounds of video games.

"Do you have company?" Sandy asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Yes, surprised?" Seth shot back.

"Female?"

"Two of 'em"

"That'll only get you in trouble" Sandy commented, setting his briefcase on the counter. Kirsten shot him a look, "Not that I know!" he exclaimed.

"Actually, guys, someone else is… here too" Seth finally managed to get out.

"Ah, a regular party when we're away" Sandy remarked.

Seth studied his parents. They weren't catching on. Sometimes adults could just be so…dense. He knew how to handle this, he turned around towards the living room, "Hey Ryan, what do you want for dinner?" Seth yelled.

He turned back to his parents. That got them. They had stopped, their faces frozen, expressionless.

At once, without a word, both parents began rushing towards the living room, brushing past Seth.

"High ground, it's a stampede!" Seth yelled, turning to follow them, rolling his eyes.

So predictable.

……………………………….

Ryan stared at them for a moment, hovering just inside the living room. They just stood there, seeming to wait as if it were a trick.

His mouth was dry, his tongue felt too big for his mouth. Like it was all cotton.

"What's wrong with them?" Summer asked, teasing.

Ryan stood up, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

"Ryan!" Kirsten exclaimed, rushing the couch and nearly crushing him with the weight of her hug.

Ryan smiled, glancing past her shoulder at Sandy.

"Honey… he has to breath" Sandy commented.

Kirsten didn't let go.

"Uh, mom…" Seth said pointedly.

Kirsten finally pulled away, rubbing her eyes. Mascara streaks tell-tale signs of her tears. "I'm sorry" she apologized, hastily wiping his shoulder, "I just.. it's"

She wrapped Ryan in another hug, "It's so good to see you! I was so worried" she sniffed, letting him go a little bit sooner this time and pulling back to look at him.

"You look cold, do you have enough clothes? Where are you sleeping? Are you eating? Drinking? You're not smoking again are you?"

The questions came all at once.

"Mom…take a pill" Seth commented, leaning against the wall and watching the scene unfold humorously.

"Yea honey, give him some space" Sandy commented, pulling his wife back gently.

Next thing Ryan knew Sandy was giving him quick hug, "Good to see you" he said, a million other things wanting to come out as well.

Like why? And where? And, how could you do such a stupid thing?

He held his tongue for now, it would only get him in to trouble.

"Summer, Marissa" Kirsten finally acknowledged the girls, quickly turning back to Ryan as though expecting him to disappear. "What do you want for dinner, Ryan?"

Ryan shrugged, "Whatever's around"

"Don't be silly. This is a special occasion, we need something big, something good, expensive…something –"

Ryan was uncomfortable. Expensive to Kirsten meant forty bucks a plate or more. "I'm not.. I mean, I'm not staying the night" Ryan interrupted.

He may as well get it over with.

Kirsten stopped talking, concern overtaking her face. "but where are you –"

"I have a motel… for another night" Ryan explained, "I already paid so-"

"What about tomorrow night?"

Ryan shrugged. He had planned on either roughing it or hitting a shelter, assuming he could find one, but he wasn't going to tell them that. "I know some people"

"You know us, you could stay until the papers are sorted out" her voice was pleading.

"I –"

"Lets talk about this after dinner" Sandy suggested, "I'm starving" he could sense Ryan's uneasiness. He didn't want the kid running off again.

"I'll go order, I was thinking Yoshi's –" Kirsten began, turning around.

"Yoshi's is awesome" Summer exclaimed, following quickly after the crowd, leaving Sandy and Ryan alone.

Ryan studied the floor.

"So.. it's good to have you back, even if it's just for dinner" Sandy told him, "You had Kirsten going out of her mind, me too"

"Sorry" he apologized, "I just didn't want to…end up at the centre."

"Better than the streets" Sandy remarked, immediately wishing he hadn't.

Ryan shuffled his feet, then looked up, reaching in to his pocket. He pulled out the wad of money Seth had given him and went to place it in Sandy's hand, which he withdrew.

"I don't need it" Ryan told him, "Really, I'm doing fine"

"You need it more than I do, keep it for an emergency." Sandy had doubts about Ryan's plans to stay with friends.

Ryan opened his mouth to argue, but Sandy shushed it with a look that said _final_. He stuck the money back in his jean pocket, following Sandy from the living room.

"I got that look from you, y'know" Sandy commented, a smile on his lips.

Ryan grinned. He was glad he was back too, even if it was only for a dinner.

………………………………..

They all sat around the large oak dining room table, gourmet plates of food filling most of the space, deserts covering the rest.

Seth let out a groan, wincing in pain. "I think I'm going to explode" he commented, leaning over slightly.

"Well you did eat two plates…" Summer commented, looking half amused, half disgusted.

Marissa grinned, "And your left-overs" she reminded Summer, sitting back in her chair.

"Pig" Summer remarked, laughing.

"Yeah, yeah, lets all pick on the one who's about to blow up on you all, good idea" Seth said, trying to straighten.

"You did eat a lot, man" Ryan told him.

"It was good" Seth defended.

"And all that popcorn" Ryan went on.

"And most of a two-litre of coke" Marissa added.

"And the pretzels you said I could have" Summer shot him a look.

"I think I'm going to be sick" Seth commented, laying his face down on the cool table.

"You do look a little green, son" Sandy said, joining in.

"If you're going to be sick, Seth, can you not get it on the new carpet" Kirsten commented, popping a left over piece of croissant in to her mouth and smiling.

Seth only groaned.

Ryan, on the other hand, stood up and began grabbing plates to bring to the kitchen.

"Ryan, you don't have to do that" Kirsten protested.

"No, it's okay" Ryan told her, continuing to gather.

"Let me help then" she replied, standing and grabbing a few things as well, shooting Sandy a look.

He stood quietly and began collecting what was left. "You kids… maybe you should try finding a bucket for Seth" he suggested, leaving the room as Seth groaned again.

In the kitchen Ryan was scraping left over scraps in to the trash, handing the plates to Kirsten who was rinsing them.

"I will still never understand the point of cleaning them just to put in the dishwasher" Sandy commented, grabbing the rinsed dishes and beginning to load the dishwasher.

Ryan, standing on the far side of the kitchen didn't offer a response. He knew it was coming. Sandy and Kirsten always railroaded in the kitchen.

"So, can we give you a lift back to the motel you're staying at?" Kirsten finally broke the tense silence.

"Uh, I think Seth was gonna –"

"Right" Kirsten nodded immediately. "And, tomorrow night you're going to –"

"Stay with friends" Ryan finished.

"Where do your friends live?" Sandy asked.

Ryan hesitated, "Here and there" he replied, not being able to come up with an answer. He didn't know the area well enough.

"Right" Sandy commented, "Does here and there include the streets?" Sandy asked, straightening up.

Ryan kept scraping, unable to meet Sandy's gaze.

"No, they have places" he lied.

"What are their names?" Sandy questioned.

"Sandy!" Kirsten exclaimed.

"What? I'm trying to keep our kid off the streets Kirsten! He doesn't have a place to go, and he knows that, I know that! He won't stay here –"

"How do you know he doesn't have friends around here?" Kirsten demanded, putting her hands on her hips. She wanted to believe he wasn't going to stay on the streets. To get through this, she couldn't believe her son would sleep on the streets.

"He hasn't been here long enough!" Sandy exclaimed, "And the people he does know are the same ones that beat him to a bloody pulp!"

"He could stay with Marissa!" Kirsten pointed out.

"Yeah, Julie Cooper would love that! Having the opportunity to turn him in after breaking probation, getting rid of him for good! Lets face it, he shouldn't have run away to begin with, it just made a big mess of things –"

"And a group centre would make it so much better!" Kirsten commented snidely.

"He'd have a roof over his head, decent meals and he wouldn't have broken probation!" Sandy's voice was raised again.

"I don't want him in a centre, I want him HERE!" Kirsten screamed

"Hey!" Ryan yelled.

They didn't hear him, instead they continued to argue.

He didn't want this. They shouldn't be fighting over him. His hands shook, "HEY!" he screamed again, smashing his hand down on the counter which was holding a plate.

The glass cracking caught their attention, they both turned to him, Kirsten with tears in her eyes, Sandy with panic in his.

Ryan swallowed. Now that he had their attention, he wasn't sure what else to say. So he said nothing. He grabbed the money from his jeans, tossing it on the counter, "I don't need the charity" he remarked.

"Ryan, you're hand-"

Ryan looked down, the plate had cut a gash across it. "it's fine" he remarked, leaving the room to find Seth.

He found him in the den, video game paused. The three of them were staring at the door, waiting for him.

"Seth, car. Now" Ryan remarked, turning on his heel.

Ryan needed out. Out of here. Coming back wasn't such a good idea. It had just made things worse, brought things out in to the open. Ryan preferred to keep everything inside. Inside no one could argue about it, no one could scream, yell…break plates.

He needed a damn cigarette. Ryan felt around in his jacket, avoiding the use of his right hand, as it was smeared with blood.

They must still be at the motel, he thought, nesting himself in the shadows and waiting for Seth to appear.

It didn't take long.

Ryan waited at the car door, but Seth didn't approach it at all.

"Uh.. mom and dad want you to… they want to talk to you"

"Why?" Ryan shot back, "So they can yell, scream and cry some more? No thanks"

Seth stood silent for a moment. "You shouldn't leave like this"

"Like what?" Ryan demanded.

"Angry… them and you"

Ryan forced himself to breathe. "Seth, I don't want to talk about it, are you going to drive me or should I walk?"

There was silence for a moment, then Seth sighed, pulling out the car keys and getting in the Rover.

Ryan only spoke to give him directions to the motel, and as they pulled in Ryan undid the clasp.

"There's just one catch" Seth finally said, letting out a shaky breath and parking the car.

Ryan glanced over at him.

Seth looked up, meeting his eyes. "I'm staying with you" he said.

"You can't" Ryan told him.

"Watch me" Seth said, getting out of the car.

"Look, I can't take care of us –"

"You don't have to take care of me" Seth shot back, "I can look after myself" he crossed his arms, noticing he was beginning to get through Ryan's anger defence system.

"Look, I don't know.. I'm not sure… I don't know where I'm sleeping tomorrow, okay?"

"We'll stay here" Seth said, pursing his lips.

"I'm out of money" Ryan admitted.

"Use the money dad gave you"

"I gave it back" Ryan shrugged.

"Then I'll pay" Seth said decisively. "I'm not leaving, Ryan. You're my brother, I have your back."

"Your parents are gonna be pissed" Ryan commented, a bit of a smile playing at his lips.

Seth snorted, "It's not them I'm worried about, it's abandoning Summer and Marissa there" he laughed.

……………………………………..


	20. BreakThrough

**Facing the Past**

Chapter Twenty

Ryan lay in the motel bed staring up at the dark ceiling. How often had he done this recently, he wondered.

Maybe he should check in somewhere for insomnia. He couldn't sleep, not that he wasn't tired, just that his brain wouldn't shut off for two minutes so he could fall asleep.

Seth's quiet snoring alerted him to the fact that Seth had, indeed, fallen asleep. How the kid could do it was beyond Ryan. He had a feeling Seth would be able to sleep through a world war.

He took Seth's snoring as a sign, silently pushing himself out of bed with his left hand, as the right one had been expertly bandaged.

By himself. Ryan had enough experience in the field of injuries to deal with something like this on his own.

He grabbed the pack of smokes from his duffel bag, and fished for a lighter.

_You're not smoking again, are you?_

He snorted. He couldn't explain his attachment to smoking. He knew he could quit, so he wasn't physically dependent like some. He had, after all, quit when Sandy had first brought him here, for a few months anyways.

But after everything started happening, after all this family shit piled up, Ryan had found himself drawn back to it.

Smoking was something that had just always been. Something he'd always done, either with or without anyone else. Almost like a comfort habit. Like little kids and blankets.

Like how he always played with the leather band around his neck when he was nervous or bored, or even just spacing.

Ryan clicked the door shut silently behind him, double checking for the key tucked in his jean pocket. He lit his smoke and tucked the pack back in his jacket he'd slipped on, taking a drag and setting off across the parking lot to the payphone.

Even if Sandy and Kirsten had pissed him off, even if they had scared him, they deserved to know Seth was alright.

He slipped in a quarter and dialled the number. He wasn't quite sure why he'd let Seth stay. Maybe it was the kid's puppy dog face, or the look that said he wasn't going anywhere.

Maybe Ryan just wanted someone around, after being alone all this time.

Even in Chino he'd had someone there. Trey, Theresa, Arturo, the rest of the gang. But now, since leaving the Cohens, Ryan had lost the first person he'd ever felt completely confident in; Seth. He had lost his friend, his brother.

The ringing stopped suddenly, a frantic voice answered. Kirsten.

"Uh, hey" he said. Why did she always have to answer the phone?

"Ryan?" she asked.

"Yea, it's me" he said, taking a deep drag from his smoke.

"Are you okay?"

"Yea, fine. Seth's here too, he's fine. Sleeping" He heard Kirsten let out a sigh of relief, and he suddenly felt the need to explain why he'd waited so long.

"I'm sorry, I… had to wait until he was asleep"

Kirsten snorted on the other end, "Only Seth could sleep now"

Ryan felt a smile tug at the edge of his lips. He had to ask, "How is Sammy?"

"Fine, it was an ear infection" Kirsten told him, an awkward silence followed.

"So. I'm Sorry. About tonight"

"No. Ryan, you're absolutely right. Sandy and I shouldn't have been fighting like that, especially about you and in front of you. You're a smart kid Ryan, but that's the thing, you're still a kid" she paused.

Ryan didn't feel like a kid. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt like a kid.

"So, I'll send Seth home tomorrow" Ryan told her.

"Will you… come and… talk?" Kirsten asked warily.

He didn't know what to say. He didn't want to talk, but that was nothing abnormal. " I can't stay there Kirsten, and I can't stay at the group centre either"

"I wish you didn't have to" He heard her sniffle. She was crying. Again.

"Yeah. Well. That makes two of us. I'll send Seth home tomorrow" he repeated shortly, hanging up the receiver.

Ryan didn't want to be the reason that people cried. He'd had enough of that with his mother. Usually when she was drunk.

_Why you gotta keep doing this Ryan? His mother screamed at him. He was terrified, only nine, balled up in a corner. His mom had been visiting with the Jack all afternoon while he was in school._

_You keep pushing them away Ryan! How am I supposed to have a family when you won't let me!? I'm trying, Ry, I am, but you ruin everything. You always did ruin everything!_

_The tears were running down her face, freely. She clutched the cigarette and the Jack as if it were a life preserver._

_I shoulda jus' left you at the hospital, you and Trey! Maybe you're father would still be here then!_

_She approached, her hands shaking. The bottle was empty now, the cigarette spewed ashes from her violent gestures._

_The bottle flew over him, hitting the wall and showering glass in his hair._

_It had been the first time that Dawn had ever hit him herself, instead of using her boyfriends for the dirty work._

Ryan pinched the warm filter between his fingers and tossed it across the parking lot, the red embers dancing in the night.

He could still hear the waves of the ocean, a comforting sound. He slowly shuffled back across the parking lot to the motel room. His soon-to-be-lost home.

He hadn't bothered telling Seth that, along with Sandy's money, he'd also thrown Seth's debit card on the counter.

In the hotel room, Ryan rubbed his eyes, waiting, wishing, that sleep would find him quickly.

…………………………………………..

"I spoke with Catherine" Sandy spoke from the kitchen entrance. Kirsten turned to face him, she'd been crying again, the cordless phone sitting beside her.

"Who called?" he asked.

"Ryan" she whispered.

"What did he say?"

"That Seth was okay, and he'd send him home tomorrow."

Sandy nodded. It was the parental thing to do, what Sandy had expected him to do.

"What did Catherine say?" Kirsten questioned.

"She said that if Ryan willingly returned to the centre under her care, she would have a talk with his probation officer, explain the situation. She gave us twenty four hours"

"I won't turn him in to that woman, to that… centre" Kirsten spat. "He doesn't belong there, he didn't do anything wrong"

"I know" Sandy consoled, rubbing circles on her back. "I know" he repeated.

"Are we okay?" Kirsten asked, turning to face him again.

Sandy smiled, rubbing a stray tear from her cheek, "Of course we are, honey" She smiled back at him, then dropped her glance.

"What are we going to do?"

Sandy grabbed a seat, letting out a long breath, "I don't know anymore" he admitted, rubbing his chin and raking his hand through his hair.

"What happens to him if Ryan's not in Catherine's custody by tomorrow night?"

"Well, the police continue their investigation in to his disappearance"

"If they find him?"

"They slap him with a punishment, he ends up in juvie instead of the group centre"

"That's not much of a choice" Kirsten whispered.

"I know"

…………………………………….

"Yo man, wake up" Seth's voice broke through Ryan's unconsciousness. He groaned.

Seth poked him even more, "Get up man, we've got like, some major Seth-Ryan time here, parent free!"

Ryan rolled over, opening one eye to glare at him.

Seth took a step back, out of arm's reach, also known as harm's way. He saw Ryan close his eye again, and quickly took a step forward to poke him.

He didn't get the chance. Ryan had grabbed his wrist firmly, not so that it hurt, but enough to say it could hurt.

"Yow, how'd you do that?!" Seth demanded, pulling his arm away, "You're eyes were closed!"

Ryan finally opened both eyes to peer at him from under his bangs, he raised a brow, "You really wanna know?" he asked.

"I get it, you just asked a rhetorical question" Seth smiled and nodded, tight lipped. "So I'll just pretend that my brother" he paused to throw himself on the bed, "Has a spidey sense!"

Ryan shook his head, "You are delusional, you know that Seth?"

Seth, instead of answering, grabbed Ryan's left hand and studied it closely.

"What are you doing?" Ryan asked, partly amused.

"Looking for little spider claws" Seth grinned, dropping his hand. "They're not there yet" he whispered.

Ryan groaned as he sat himself up, "What time is it?" he asked, yawning.

"Uh, like, eight"

"Really?"

"Yea, you slept in, completely zonked out"

Ryan sighed, he had to check out of this place in an hour. "You take a shower yet?"

"Naw, I decided to rough it today" Seth rubbed imaginary stubble.

"Right. And because of your decision to 'rough it' I have to put up with your smell?"

Seth's lip began to pout, "You're not so daisy fresh yourself, buddy. You smell like smoke and rubbing alcohol"

"But unlike you, I'm taking a shower" Ryan reminded him. Seth just shrugged and threw himself down on the bed.

"This is better than the fold out" Seth commented.

"You're the one who wanted the fold out" Ryan reminded him, "In fact" he crossed his arms, "I remember a little Seth pleading time in that conversation."

A guttural noise escaped Seth's throat, and he shrugged again, "Roughing it"

Ryan snorted and left the room.

……………………………………………

Seth needed a plan. He had meant to think of one last night, but he'd been way too tired. He needed a plan on how to get Ryan back to the Cohens.

Despite the argument last night, Seth knew that his mom and dad would know what to do. What was best for Ryan.

He felt guilty for letting Ryan run away from the hospital. But a brother had to do, what a brother had to do. The 'rents had Ryan's well being looked after, Seth's job was Ryan's wants.

Contrary to what he'd said to Ryan, the pull out hadn't been so bad. He might even be able to get used to this whole away-from-home thing.

Mind you his parents would kill him if they ever found him.

His parents. He should probably call them.

Seth stumbled his way to the bathroom door, knocking loud.

"What?" Ryan yelled back.

"Calling the parental units!" Seth yelled back.

"Already did, last night" Ryan replied.

"Oh" Seth told himself. Of course Ryan had called their parents. Why had Ryan called their parents? They were supposed to all be angry with each other.

Worried and angry.

Seth had missed something. He threw himself back on to the bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out why Ryan had bothered to call the 'rents at all. It's not like he'd picked up the phone before, what was…. Of course, Seth thought. Ryan the energizer big brother. The parent in disguise.

So his parents knew they were together, which meant they knew that the two of them were probably in the area.

Seth found himself a little disgruntled that Ryan had gone behind his back, but told himself it was just a Ryan thing to do. He should have seen it coming.

He wondered if Ryan thought that he was getting rid of Seth today, because Seth knew that he wasn't going anywhere that Ryan wasn't going.

Brothers stuck together. Friends stuck together.

Nope, there was no way Seth was going home today.

………………………………………..

"You're going home" Ryan told him, after they'd checked out of the motel.

"Uh, no, I'm not" Seth told him.

Ryan eyed him warily, "Yes, Seth, you are. I don't care how smelly you are, you're not exactly ready to sleep on the streets, or in a shelter"

"That's why we could sleep at a motel, preferably one a little nicer than this one" he whispered, holding his thumb and forefinger an inch apart.

"With what money?" Ryan raised a brow.

"Mine, you got my debit card, right?"

Ryan smiled shortly, "I left it at home, where you were supposed to get it last night"

Shit, Seth cursed to himself. "We could sleep in the car"

"Seth, do you know how easy it would be for someone to find me, sleeping in a car with you? All Kirsten and Sandy have to do is tell them you're with me, and that you have the Rover"

Seth bit his lip. "I don't want to"

"We all do things we don't want to do"

"Like sleep on the streets?" Seth questioned.

"Seth" he warned.

He held up his hands in defence, "Fine I know when I'm not wanted. I just wanted to hang out with you for a bit, get a little bonding brotherhood time in. Watch your back while you watch mine, but apparently, that's too much to ask from you!" Seth snapped, turning and heading towards the car.

"Seth" Ryan called after a moment. He stopped. Turned.

"I didn't… I didn't mean it like that, it's just… I don't know what's gonna happen, okay? I could very well end up sleeping on the beach or something stupid, and I don't want anything to happen to you"

"Like what?" Seth demanded, his anger fading away.

"Well, it's not like it's summer, it gets pretty cold and night and you don't even have any clothes with you" Ryan pointed out.

Seth opened his mouth to shoot back an argument, then smiled, "Ry.. you just… totally .gave. me. a. plan.

Ryan stared at him quizzically, then realised what Seth was suggesting.

"I'm not staying at Summer's place!" Ryan exclaimed.

"Why? Really Ryan, look at it! It's a gift, an omen. You stay at Summer's, no one is the wiser. Her's mom's spaced out all the time, Summer told me that, her dad's never around and it's not the streets, or some shelter, or even the group centre! It's perfect!" he sounded excited.

"Yeah, cause I'm sure Summer will just be stoked with me living in her house. I don't even think Summer likes me, she still calls me Chino"

"Chino's a nickname, get used to it. People use nicknames for those they like!"

Ryan made a face.

"Ry, let me explain something to you. You're like a…wart. You just sort of grow on people and eventually, we don't want to see them go"

"A wart?" Ryan asked, deadpan.

"Okay, well maybe not a wart, but something that grows on you and you don't want to see go" Seth shrugged.

"Wait, you get sad when you have warts removed?" Ryan asked him.

Seth shook his head, "You are misconstruing everything I say, Ryan"

"No. That's what you said. That's what you implied."

"Don't be stupid, Ryan. That is definitely not what I said" Seth patted him on the back, "It's okay to be wrong sometimes"

"I'm not wrong"

"There, there" Seth consoled.

………………………………………….

Seth pulled the Rover in to the Harbour parking lot, glancing over at Ryan who sat next to him.

"Like old times" Seth commented, making way to get out of the vehicle, "Come on"

"I don't think I should" Ryan stated, uncomfortable.

"Why not?"

"What if someone sees me?"

Seth rolled his eyes, "For someone who's supposed to be cool, you sure the hell are paranoid"

Ryan shot him the glare of doom, and Seth raised his hands in defence, and his eyebrows in question.

"Fine" Ryan sighed, getting out of the car.

"Now, we just have to find them"

"And ask" Ryan pointed out.

"Right, easy stuff" Seth shrugged, scanning the campus. He checked his watch, "Almost lunch, they'll probably be on the patio" he said, heading in that direction.

Ten minutes later, the guys sitting at a lunch table, they spotted the girls walking outside, holding their trays.

"I miss this" Ryan stated quietly.

Seth met Ryan's sad gaze, "Everything'll be back to normal soon"

Ryan didn't offer a response, but raised his hand to catch Marissa's attention. It worked.

A smile stretched across her face and her step quickened, Ryan saw Summer following suit, a not-so-happy look etched on her face.

"Where did you go last night?" Marissa asked him after a quick kiss.

"Sorry, I just couldn't stick around with… things like that" he shot an evasive look at Summer, "She's pretty pissed, huh?"

"She'll get over it, right Sum?" Marissa asked her friend, who was eyeing Seth like a fresh prey.

"Hey Summer" Seth greeted, unsure of himself.

It emitted no response.

"I'm sorry?" Seth questioned.

Summer reached over and smacked him upside the head, "You could of at least called you know" she demanded.

"Yeah… in our rush, I wasn't able to grab my cell phone Sum, or my debit card" he shot a look at Ryan.

"Summer, I'm sorry. I mean, I made him leave quick, he didn't really have much of a choice" Ryan told her.

Summer eyed him, then looked back at Seth. "Why weren't you here for first period?"

"Uh, slept in at the Casa Cockroach" Seth joked.

"Uh huh, and what are you doing here now? And with Chino?"

"Well… that's a bit of a long story" Seth said, sitting himself back down at the table, "Care to join us?" he waved his arm.

They all grabbed a seat, Marissa pulling her chair close to Ryan and offering him some of her Tuna Melt. Seth saw the gesture and went to reach for Summer's, but she smacked his hand away, "You're still on probation" she told him.

"Speaking of probation" Seth began "Summer, Ryan and I need your help"

Summer arched a perfectly shaped eyebrow, "You need my help?" she asked, "What's it concerning, like fashion or something?"

"Uh, no. Ryan needs a place to stay" Seth rambled quickly.

"And how am I supposed to help with that?"

"Well. You have a house. A near empty house and –"

"And you want Chino to stay with me?" she questioned, amused.

"Well. Yes. That's exactly what I'm saying."

Summer glanced at Ryan, who shrugged his shoulders as if to say _Not my idea_.

"Okay" Summer shrugged, turning back to her lunch.

"Wait?" Seth laughed, "That's it. Just, 'okay'. "

Summer glanced up again, "What, you wanted me to fight about it?"

"More or less expected you" Ryan put in.

"Chino's cool. Just don't let me catch you wandering around in a towel after a shower, or snooping through any of my things." She told Ryan.

"Right" Ryan smiled, tight-lipped.

Marissa grinned, "Hey Sum, can I stay over the night?"

Summer made a face, "So you can sleep with Chino in the room next to mine? Eww, no way Coop!"

Marissa laughed, "maybe just for dinner then" she snuck a shy smile at Ryan.

"Can Seth come too?" Seth asked.

"Can Seth not talk about himself in third person?" Summer shot back.

"Uh, Seth. Are you even going to be allowed out of the house?" Ryan asked him.

"Right. Maybe dinner and then home"

"No way. Nu uh. I told Kirsten you'd be home today, not tonight. You're gonna be home right after you finish afternoon classes" Ryan lectured.

"First of all, tonight is still today, and who says I'm going to my afternoon classes?"

Ryan shot him a look.

"I don't even have my stuff" Seth protested.

"That's why I saw it in the back of the Rover, right?" Ryan asked.

Seth's face fell. "Why must you torture me like this? Today is probably the one, and only, day I can skip school without getting in a load of trouble from the parental units! After all, if they yell at me, I won't tell them where you are!"

The trio saw a panicked look quickly flee across Ryan's face, "Look, Seth, you can't tell your parents where I'm staying, okay?"

"Why not?" Seth asked, "At least they know you're not on the streets then!"

"If they know where I am, they might be under legal obligation to turn me in to Child Services. I don't want to put them in that position"

"They wouldn't do that Ry"

Ryan just stared at him.

"Fine. What ever _dad_" he stressed, "I'll go to classes and not tell anyone where my run away brother is and my life will resume to a boring nothingness"

Summer elbowed him in the ribs, "hey" she protested, "I'm boring?"

"I meant everything else, but you" Seth corrected. Summer rolled her eyes.

……………………………………

Kirsten couldn't believe she had dragged herself to the office today. Last night, prior to Ryan's call and even after it, had not exactly been a good night for sleep.

In fact, the last couple weeks hadn't really agreed with her usually sleep schedule.

She was so tired now, that she was sure if she put her head down on the desk in front of her, she would probably nod off.

Which was exactly what happened.

She awoke to a loud authoritive knock on her office door, her head shot up and she pushed back her hair as Caleb Nichol walked in to her office, leaving the door open.

"Hey Kiki" he greeted, then he studied her, "Were you sleeping?" he asked.

"Uh, dad, why would you ask that?" Kirsten asked her heart beating.

Caleb frowned, "You have the Newport Group logo on your forehead" he told her.

Kirsten slapped an open palm over her forehead and stood up, "I'm sorry dad, it's just been so hectic these past few days… I don't think I've slept through an entire night since Ryan left. Excuse me, I'll be back in a sec" she said, slipping in to her private washroom.

Caleb finally let a smile filter across his face when she'd left the room.

Kirsten re entered, her forehead scrubbed of any ink, but it was now a slight red tone. She shot him a smile.

"I guess you'll be sleeping better soon then?" Caleb asked her, "And then maybe… working instead of napping?"

"Dad, I said I was sorry….what do you mean sleeping better? Why would I be sleeping better?"

Caleb looked like a deer caught in a set of headlights for a moment, then he replied "I'm not sure…maybe things will be getting easier"

Kirsten studied her father, tilting her head, "Dad" she said pointedly, "Do you know something I don't?"

Caleb swallowed, "No" he replied shortly, "I have to go" he turned around, leaving the office before Kirsten had a chance to question him further.

But when he closed the door behind him, Kirsten smiled in hope. Maybe, just maybe, her father had come through for them.

…………………………………………..


	21. Bad Timing

**Facing the Past**

Chapter Twenty-One

"Seth?" Sandy called in to the house, he'd seen the Rover sitting in the driveway and immediately felt his mind begin to ease.

The boys were home.

He walked hurriedly in to the dining room where Seth sat on the couch reading a comic book. A graphic novel, Sandy corrected himself. If Seth heard him call them comic books the kid just may have a heart attack.

Seth's head emerged from the book and he set it down on his lap, waving his hand in a feeble greeting. "Dad" he said back.

Sandy glanced around the room. "Where is Ryan?" he asked.

"Nice to see you too, pops, and I hate to disappoint you, but Ryan didn't come back with me"

Sandy sighed. He'd been hoping. Hell, he'd even been in denial. Then he fixed his eyes on Seth, his eldest son. "You are in a lot of trouble young man" Sandy warned.

"Hey, it's not like I told him to go" Seth shot back.

"Well you didn't exactly help the situation either, did you?"

"I helped Ryan's situation" Seth replied, standing up and slapping the graphic novel on the table in front of him.

"What's that supposed to mean? Do you know how much trouble Ryan is in right now? He's on probation, he ran away, he beat a kid up Seth – that's not helping his situation" Sandy said, grasping for words.

"At least he's where he wants to be, and not stuck in some group home!"

"Oh, so Ryan sleeping on the streets is better than him sleeping with a roof over his head?"

Seth's eyes flashed, he wasn't sure why his dad was being like this, but he sure the hell wasn't going to put up with it. "If that roof is the roof to a group home, dad, then yes, I believe Ryan's better off where he is now"

Sandy opened his mouth to shout back, then paused, "You still know where he is?"

Seth took a step backwards, "I didn't say that"

"No, you implied it. Seth, where is he?"

"Why does it matter? So you can send him off with Catherine? He doesn't want to go with Catherine, dad, he wants to be here, in Newport. With us. As a family. Or doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"Seth, didn't we… didn't I… The model home, Seth. We've been through this before. The secrecy, the lies… they don't help"

Seth now knew how silence could be deafening.

He stared at his father for a few moment, both of them breathing hard, angry. Seth didn't think he'd ever been so angry with one person before.

Ryan wanted them, he was doing this for them, why couldn't his father see that?

A few more moments of silence.

"Seth, I'm –"

"Save it, dad!" Seth replied, storming past him towards his room.

Sandy sighed, his shoulders slumping. What had he done?

……………………………….

Kirsten entered the kitchen to find her husband with his head in his hands, mumbling to himself.

"I have good news" Kirsten told him. He didn't look up. "I know you wouldn't agree, Sandy, but I had a talk with my dad about this whole Ryan-adoption thing and… are you okay?" she asked.

Sandy still hadn't acknowledged her.

She walked over, rubbing his shoulders, "What's wrong?"

"I messed up" Sandy admitted, dropping his hands to the counter.

"Nothing unusual" Kirsten teased.

"No. I really messed up this time. With Seth."

Kirsten waited for him to continue, still rubbing his shoulders.

"When I got home Seth was here. We had a fight over where Ryan was, and how he was. I don't even know why we fought really" Sandy admitted. "It was stupid"

Kirsten smiled slightly, "It's okay, Sandy. He's protecting Ryan's integrity. The two of them are like brothers now, something which I remind you, is kind of your fault in the first place. They're going to defend each other like that to either of us. I'll call him down, we all have to talk anyways"

……………………………………

"Do you wanna go somewhere?" Summer's bored voice asked from the doorway of the bedroom.

Ryan glanced over from where he lay on the bed, again eyeing the ceiling.

"I'm bored" she put in.

Ryan raised his eyebrows.

"Chill, Chino. I'm not hitting on you or anything, and I wouldn't. I'm just really bored. Seth's not answering his cell, and Marissa can't come over until later. That's…well, pretty much the extent of my social life right now" she shrugged.

"Sure" he finally replied, pulling himself up from the bed.

"Hey, what happened to your hand anyways?"

Ryan looked down at his bandaged palm. "Accident" he told her, thinking of the plate he'd smashed.

"Right. Since you're so talkative maybe I should just go back to watching the Valley and talking with Princess Sp-" Summer slapped a hand over her mouth.

Ryan grinned at her, "Princess who?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"None of your business, Chino" Summer shot back, her face red.

"Is it plastic, and a toy by chance?" Ryan asked deadpan, a smile twitching at the corner of his lips.

Summer shot him a glare and he raised his hands to ward it off, "okay. I get it. You don't want to talk about it. Seth didn't want to talk about Captain Oats to begin with either" he put it, teasing.

…………………………………..

Seth stood leaning against the kitchen wall, arms crossed. He eyed his parents warily.

"How's Ryan?" Kirsten asked, breaking the silence.

"He's fine where he is" Seth replied easily.

Kirsten's face fell, "Seth, your father said sorry"

"Yeah. But it's a little too late, isn't it?" Seth asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, in those brief few moments that dad was so kindly sharing his feelings with me, he basically said he wanted Ryan in a group home"

"As opposed to on the streets, where he's not safe" Sandy intervened.

"Well he is safe, dad. You just didn't bother asking that."

Sandy sighed, "Look, Seth. I'm only trying to look out for you guys. It's not like I turned him in to Catherine or anything-"

"No. You just let it get that far in the first place!" Seth shot back, immediately feeling remorse. He saw his father's face, "Look. I'm sorry, it's just that… I finally have someone I can hang out with, someone who has my back. Ryan is like… he's like my first and my only real friend dad…. More than that, he's my brother"

Kirsten discreetly wiped a hand across her cheeks and embraced her son. One of her sons. "Seth, we know." She told him, then eyed Sandy. "You want to tell him?" she asked.

"Tell me what?" Seth demanded, pulling away from his mother's overbearing presence and staring at his father.

Seth's cell phone rang from the other room. Again. It was probably just an impatient and persistent Summer wanting to yell at him for sticking Ryan with her. He'd call her later.

"Your mother called Phillip today, the guy from –"

"I know who he is dad, so what's going on? I mean, was it approved or.."

Sandy smiled widely, "Yea. It was approved. We just have to get Ryan and his social worker to sign it."

"You really think she will?" Seth asked in a whispered tone.

"We won't give her a choice" Sandy replied, smiling and picking up the phone.

"What are you doing, Sandy?"

"Calling Catherine. I want these things signed right now"

…………………………………………...

"So" Summer interrupted the long standing silence between herself and Ryan. They had been walking along the boardwalk for the past fifteen minutes or so, listening to the waves crash against the sand.

The night air was cool, but not cold by any standard. It seemed it was going to be a mild winter in California, it hadn't even rained much. The light seemed to be fading quickly, an orange glow settling over everything.

It was low tide but a high surf, Ryan noticed, thinking back to Sandy's surfing lessons.

He jumped at Summer's interruption. "So what?" he asked, immediately.

Summer let out a long sigh, "How do you like it here now anyways? I mean, after things have… settled down"

Ryan shrugged, "It's not Chino" he told her honestly.

"Was it really that bad?" Summer asked, "In a place where everyone knew everyone else… and people were… well real."

Ryan studied her for a moment, "Chino isn't like Newport. Just because you know everyone through someone else, didn't mean they had your back. Small talk in Chino was about who was going to jump who, not who was doing who"

She snorted, "But the people were real, weren't they? No one had to like, fake who they were just to fit in"

Ryan thought about his bruises. And his explanations for the bruises. He thought about the screaming of his mother and her monthly boyfriend. He thought about the neighbours eyeing him warily when he waved hello to their kids.

"All that shit… it was still there Summer. It's just that most people were too busy trying to provide for their family or get a decent education to focus on talking about it. "

"Yea well… sometimes I wonder if maybe I would be… if my family would be just another typical family in Chino. With my mom and… my dad never around. Maybe I'd just fit right in"

"You don't belong in Chino, Summer" Ryan laughed quietly.

Summer reached over and smacked him in the chest, "Don't laugh. I just get so tired of this crap sometimes" she waved her hands around, "Don't you?"

" You know what. I don't think I'll ever get tired of living near the ocean. I don't think I'll ever get tired of not living in a shack. I don't think I'll ever get tired of having a family. But that's because… I know what else is out there… I can respect, and see, this place for what it is, not what everyone thinks it is."

"Oh yea? And what is it?" she asked

Ryan was ready to reply when a shrill catcall rang through the dark, he whipped his head around to focus on someone walking up the beach carrying a surf board.

Summer stopped and turned, placing her hands on her hips, "Ew. Aren't you from, like, the public school?" she demanded.

The guy's smile disappeared, "Better than what you've got" he smirked, nodding his head towards Ryan.

"Sum, let's go" Ryan said, tugging at her arm. She stumbled sideways a bit, but regained her balance.

"Him?" she nodded her head sideways. "Lemme tell you, he ain't mine, but he is a better option than you" she put on a false smile.

"Summer" Ryan warned, a ball of tension growing in the pit of his stomach.

She finally snapped out of it and began to follow Ryan, their steps were hurried.

"Where ya going, doll?"

"Leave her alone" Ryan finally shot back, continuing to urge her along. Summer seemed to be realising they might be in a bit of trouble. She clutched her purse in front of her, digging through it for her cell phone.

"You got a problem?" the guy's voice persisted.

Ryan didn't answer, but was suddenly thrown off balance by something, someone, hitting him from behind. He toppled to the cement, feeling holes rip in his jeans, and small pebbles lodge in to his palms.

Damn pebbles always hurt the most

He heard Summer let out a small scream as the guy one his back grabbed his head and smashed his chin in to the paved path, knocking Ryan's teeth together.

There was a sharp pain in his lip, and Ryan realised he had just bit through it. He flung his left arm backwards, managing to throw the guy off him, he rolled over on to his back and get to his feet.

They both held the position for a moment, circling eachother, fists clutched and raised, waiting.

The other guy made the first move, coming at him with his left, Ryan blocked, and felt the guy's right fist connect with his stomach. He gasped, but managed to clock his attacker in the nose.

The guy was swinging wildly now, his eyes were watering so he couldn't focus, Ryan used the opportunity to throw another punch with his injured hand which connected with his opponent's gut, sending pain signals to Ryan's brain at the same time.

Oddly enough, it didn't seem to affect his opponent. Instead the guy grabbed Ryan's outstretched arm and pulled, Ryan, instead of fighting it, forced himself in to it trying to throw the guy off balance, which it did.

They both went ploughing in to the cement barricade that separated the boardwalk from the beach, then over it, Ryan slamming his cheek against it on the way down.

He lay in the sand for a second, breathing hard and gathering his strength, he jumped up, shoving the attacker towards the waist high wall. He toppled across it, managing not to go flying, when Ryan got behind him, grabbing his arms in a lock behind his back and holding them there.

Ryan leaned down to the guy's ear, "When I let you go, you're going to run far away. And if I ever, see you around again –"

The guy shot his head backwards, meeting with Ryan's nose, automatically Ryan let go of the guy's arms, reaching up to his face. He felt him grab his shirt, swinging him around and pressing him up against the wall in much the same fashion Ryan had just done to him only Ryan was facing the beach.

His opponent smiled.

"You're too kind" the guy chided softly, "I'm not even going to let you walk away" he said, before swinging his fist around to connect with Ryan's stomach again.

Ryan slid down the wall, his arms wrapping around his stomach.

"I'm on the phone with the police" Summer's voice screamed.

Ryan managed to open his eyes just in time for the guy to send a kick to his chest, and sand in his face. He set his head back against the cool cement barrier, trying to catch his breath.

His attacker's running foot steps echoed against the old buildings lining the path.

"Are you okay?" Summer asked, crouching down in front of him.

Ryan cracked his eyes open and nodded, "Just..needaminute" he gasped.

"I'm calling Cohen" Summer said decisively.

"Cops?" Ryan asked.

"You want me to –"

"No. No cops" Ryan stated, closing his eyes again. Cops were bad.

Summer was frantically punching in numbers on her cell phone.

"No answer" she finally said, hanging up. "He probably doesn't even have it on him… god he's so stupid." She eyed Ryan, "You want me to call Kirsten or Sandy?" she asked.

Ryan shook his head. "No" he said, slowly, "M'okay. Just need… band-aids" he tried to shoot her a reassuring smile.

Summer snorted, "You're gonna need a lot more than some band-aids" she told him. "Hold on and let me call Marissa, see if she can pick us up and give us a lift"

"Can walk"

Summer's free hand shot to her hip, "You're not walking anywhere like this! If Cohen found out about this… god he'd like, kill me for letting you walk. He'll kill me for not calling an ambulance!" she exclaimed. She seemed like she was going to continue, but cut herself off.

"Coop?" she asked, in to the small silver flip phone.

"Great, could you come pick me and Chino up? We're down at the beach, like, five minutes from the pier" a pause then "… Chino got his ass kicked again" Summer informed her.

She hung up, looking down at the guy sitting in front of her, covered in sand and blood, "Coop's on her way… I think. She sort of hung up in a hurry so.."

Ryan didn't reply, but stared out at the ocean. The sky was nearly a velvet blue now, just a small slice of colour could be seen around the horizon.

"So, I thought you were like, supposed to be tough" Summer chatted easily from where she was leaning on the wall, waiting for Marissa.

Ryan glared.

"Not like that. I mean, I'm not trying to insult your masculinity or whatever, but you're from Chino, right? But how many times have you had your ass kicked recently?"

"I never said I was tough"

"But Seth said you were a fighter, like out of fight club or somethin'. Not to mention you go around starting half the fights you're in…"

Ryan snorted, "Just because I can fight, and I willingly jump in to a fight, doesn't mean I always win"

"But you win sometimes, right?"

Ryan eyed her, "Why?"

"Well, it would just be stupid to fight if you didn't win" she shrugged, "pointless broken noses or ribs or whatever, both of which I think you may have."

"I'm fine –"

"I volunteered at the hospital Ryan, remember? You're weezing and gasping whenever you take a breath. That means broken or bruised ribs"

"Fights aren't necessarily about winning or losing" he changed the subject.

"Then what are they about?"

He was silent for a moment, "I think it's different for everyone"

"So what, when you fight, we all like, see someone or something we hate?"

"No. I mean, I fight to… I dunno… help someone"

Summer snorted, "Like a hit man?" she asked, arching an eyebrow.

Ryan shook his head, "Protection. Like tonight. Didn't want to see you get hurt so I fought… In Chino I didn't want to see mom hurt so I…"

"So you what?"

Ryan shrugged, "If her boyfriend was focussed on me, he didn't go after her"

Summer was speechless for a moment, then "What about Luke?"

Ryan let out a laugh, then winced, "Jus' didn't like him after he started on Seth that night… after what he did to Marissa all that time"

"You knew he was cheating on her?" Summer asked.

"Yea"

"Why didn't you tell her?"

"Cause everyone believes the car thief from Chino" he stated, sarcastically.

"Hmm, good point" Summer nodded.

………………………………………………..

"Where are we going?" Ryan asked from the passenger seat. Marissa was driving, Summer was in the back.

Marissa glanced over at him quickly, but didn't answer.

"Summer's house is the other way" he told her.

"I… I know" Marissa replied unsteadily.

"You passed the hospital" he continued.

"I.. I know that too"

"I can't… go home" Ryan reminded her.

She bit her lip, " But you should have Sandy or Kirsten take you to the hospital or something… you look pretty –"

"If I go to the hospital, I end up back at Child Services. Is that what you want?" he demanded.

She looked ready to cry, "I want you to be safe. I want you to get checked out Ryan. I-"

"I'll be okay, It's not like this is the worst I've been" he shot at her angrily

"I'm sorry" she whispered as they pulled up in to the Cohen's driveway.

Ryan didn't offer a response, but instead sat in the car leaning his head back against the cool leather seat.

"Are… you okay?" Marissa asked.

He turned to glare at her, "Yea, great, see you when I'm eighteen. Maybe" he replied shortly, opening the door and climbing out slowly. He slammed it behind him, expecting Marissa and Summer to peel out of the driveway.

Instead the car turned off, and Ryan turned around as both girls emerged from the car. There were tears streaks down Marissa's face, and suddenly Ryan felt extremely bad for what he'd said.

She had his best interest at heart, right. She'd done what she'd thought was right, bring him home to his family…

She approached and saw the look in his eye, embracing him without warning, "I'm sorry" she whispered, "We can still talk, I can drive where ever they put you… I promise I will"

Ryan's façade fell apart then as well, and he felt the tears stream down his cheeks, mixing with his blood and stinging his split chin. "It's okay" he told her, "We'll work something out"

"You lovebirds coming?" Summer demanded, already at the front door. She reached out and depressed the bell firmly.

"Why are you ringing?" Ryan asked.

"I don't live here" she rolled her eyes.

Ryan shook his head and just as they joined Summer on the porch, the door swung inward.

"Oh my… what happened to you guys? Are you okay Ryan? Girls, what happened?" Kirsten demanded, her eyes searching the three teens'.

"Uh, someone jumped us… him" Summer told her.

"You two?" Kirsten asked, her eyes narrowing, she shot a glance at Marissa.

"No. It was nothing like that!" Summer corrected, "We were just –"

"Hey girls! What are you… Ryan?" Seth's voice asked from behind his mother.

Ryan raised a hand in hello.

"I thought… did someone find you at Summer's?" Seth asked, confused now.

"No, we were out walking and this totally gross guy, like, started trying to hit on me and follow me around, so Ryan kicked his ass" Summer informed.

"You kicked his ass?" Kirsten demanded.

"He jumped on Ryan's back, Mrs. Cohen" Summer added.

Kirsten was shaking her head, "Maybe you guys should all come in and sit down… get cleaned up… Ryan, follow me to the washroom" she commanded firmly.

"I can do it myself" Ryan said meekly under her wrath.

She shook her head firmly, holding the door open for them, "Washroom, no detours" Kirsten ordered, then glanced at the girls, "You can…wait with Seth in the kitchen for now"

Kirsten turned on her heel, biting her lip. Not good timing. Not at all. She knew, as well as Seth did, that Catherine was due any moment now, and if she saw Ryan like this…

She pushed the thoughts from her head as she briskly walked through the kitchen, passing by her husband who looked up at her. She could tell form his eyes that he recognized this could not go well at all.


	22. Letting Go

**Facing the Past**

A/N: Hey guys… so this is it, last chapter. I just wanted to say thank you for all the reviews, compliments or input, they all helped me write this story. You wouldn't believe how happy new reviews make me!

So thanks to all who stayed with me for the entire story. I know that there were some… technicalities, but I tried…

Btw..Sorry about Shiloh, wink, wink You know who you are……

……………………………………………………………..

Chapter Twenty- Two

Seth sat at the kitchen counter, drumming his thumbs nervously on the counter top until Summer reached over and slapped his hand.

"Sorry" he apologized absently, pausing for a moment then starting again.

"What's the deal with you, Cohen?" Summer demanded.

Seth stared off, coming to when persistent snapping clouded his vision. "What?" he asked, glancing at Summer.

She folded her arms, "What's the deal. You're wound tighter than….well something that's wound tightly" she finished lamely.

He nodded, "Yes, because, you may not be aware of it, but you have… amazingly bad timing Summer"

"How so?" she demanded.

"Catherine… Ryan's Social worker, she's on her way to finalize adoption papers for Ryan. You think she's gonna do that when she sees what state he's in?" he bobbed his head unconsciously, now twitching his leg as well.

"I'll just explain –" she began.

Seth shook his head negatively, "I think she's heard enough explanations. I don't think she'll listen Summer… you could try but.."

"Wait, you guys are adopting Ryan?" Marissa butted in.

"Well, we were going to anyways. We've been working on it since he was taken away and put in to that despicable place they called a group home"

"Hey, did those jerks ever show up again?" Summer wondered aloud.

Seth shrugged, "Not my business, no one ever thought to inform me"

"Hey" Ryan greeted, walking unsteadily in to the kitchen after his shower, "What's with Kirsten and Sandy?" Ryan asked.

"Hey Ry. I have to say that with all the sand and blood washed off… you still look like crap" Seth told him, avoiding the question.

"Thanks" he said dryly, pulling up a chair as his stomach rumbled.

"Hungry?" Seth asked, jumping up from his stool.

Ryan studied him, "Yea" he admitted.

"Cereal?"

"Sure. But I can get it"

"Don't be ridiculous, you're injured, look at you"

Ryan narrowed his gaze, "Seth. What's going on?"

Seth turned away and began digging through the cupboards, "Mom finally got me that Sugar Crisp" Seth avoided an answer, "Wanna try?"

"Seth" Ryan warned.

His brother finally turned around, holding a yellow box to his chest.

"What's going on?" he questioned again, noticing the girls shying away from his gaze, and Seth's nervous posture.

"Catherinesonherway" Seth explained in a rush, turning back to the cupboard to grab a bowl.

"And you didn't think to let me know this before I took a nice relaxing shower?"

"Need to know basis" Seth replied shortly.

Ryan snorted, "She's coming to take _me_ away, and you don't think I need to know?" he demanded, standing up.

"She was on her way before you even got here" Seth admitted, turning around to face him again.

"What for?" Ryan asked.

Seth chewed his lip for a moment, "To sign adoption papers" he watched emotions fleeting across Ryan's face as he began taking steps backwards.

"Where are you going?" Seth demanded.

"She can't see me like this. I've got to get out of here –"

"Maybe she will. If we just explain it to her!" Seth exploded.

"She's not interested in explanations Seth! You know that from the hospital!"

"So, what? You're going to run away again? Go find someone else to beat you up?! You can't just… just run away from your problems Ryan! Ignoring them makes them worse!"

Ryan hadn't heard Seth raise his voice many times, it sent shivers up his spine this time. "And what do you propose?" he demanded angrily.

"Face them, like everyone else!" Seth shot back.

"Like everyone else?" Ryan asked, sceptical look across his face. "Cause we all know Marissa deals with her problems head on, Right? That's why she drinks so much and almost died in TJ! And then there's Summer who just ignores them, and you Seth, who doesn't have any problems!" he was breathing hard now. He shouldn't have said it, he knew. As soon as the words were out he knew he should have kept quiet.

Sandy and Kirsten, he noticed, were standing in the doorway now.

Ryan couldn't help but continue. "Everyone here. In Newport, they're all fakers. You don't know anything about facing a problem, do you Seth? What problems have you faced?"

"You!" Seth yelled back. "When you first got here, I was scared shitless of you, but I faced that, didn't I? I was scared shitless of talking with Summer, but I did that too! And now.. now I'm afraid that you're going to run away, and mess up your whole life, but here I am, standing and screaming at you! Facing my problem, my fear!"

"Facing a fear isn't the same as facing a problem!" Ryan shot back, lowering his voice and trying to regain control, composure, of himself.

"Bull shit! They're the same thing!" Seth dropped his voice an octave, staring at Ryan. He wasn't moving, an wasn't speaking, but he was paying attention.

"They are the exact same thing" Seth continued, "Because the only reason there's a problem in the first place is because of a fear! But you, Ryan, you just skip past that and run away from everything just so you don't have to face what ever it is you're afraid of. What are you afraid of, Ryan? People who care about you? Like me? Like mom and dad? Like Summer and Marissa? Is that what you're afraid of?" he faced Ryan down.

Ryan clenched his jaw, squeezing his hands in to fists, then letting them relax again. He continued to stare at Seth Cohen, the seemingly innocent boy who had become his brother over the past few months. The same one who had just completely undermined Ryan's façade.

He turned to leave, reaching the hallway before Seth's voice and body followed.

"What is it, Ryan? Come on, now's the time to face your fear, just like me" his voice was patronizing and supportive at the same time.

He turned on his heel, quickly, and Seth was surprised to see tears in his eyes. He hesitated, thinking maybe he'd done the wrong thing. He hadn't meant to make Ryan cry. He didn't want to see Ryan cry. It was so… it just wasn't like him. It was almost disturbing.

Ryan brushed his cheeks with the back of his hand quickly, and the emotion on his face disappeared instantly. Seth did a double take, unsure he'd ever seen it in the first place.

"Look.." Seth began slowly, "I didn't mean.. well you know what I kind of did mean everything I said, I just didn't want you to hear it like that. My point is.." he hesitated, "My point, Ryan, is that you don't need to be afraid of people caring about you… it's just stupid…"

"Why do you even bother, Seth?" Ryan asked quietly.

At first Seth thought he'd screwed up, pushed Ryan even further away.

"Why do you bother when you know I'm a bad person?"

Seth couldn't help it, he laughed. He laughed loudly, strongly, leaving a shocked looking Ryan standing there, fists at his side. "Ryan, you're not a bad person. You think you're a bad person? Why the hell would you think that?"

He appeared confused for a minute, "I stole a car"

"Trey talked you in to it" Seth shrugged.

"I fight"

"Because you have some hero complex thing. You at least fight for the… well… acceptable reasons anyway"

" I stole money from two people, in Chino"

Seth paused for a moment, "Well, I didn't' know that, but why did you steal them?"

"It doesn't matter, it was wrong"

"You know, you're so focussed on trying to punish yourself that you don't realise sometimes, there are acceptable circumstances to make mistakes. Everyone does!"

"I'm sure Janice and Gary don't feel that way"

"Uh, Gary and Janice?" Seth asked, confused now.

"The people I stole from" Ryan put in.

Seth grinned, "You know who you stole from?" he asked.

"Well, not before I looked in their wallets" he admitted.

"Do you.. do you still have the wallets?" Seth asked.

"Why?" Ryan demanded, defensive.

"You do, don't you! You kept them for some stupid reason, what were you gonna like, send their wallets back to them or something?" Seth laughed out loud.

Ryan gave him a look, and he stopped laughing, "You were, weren't you? I bet you were even…. Ryan you're such a goody two-shoes you'd probably send back the wallets with twice as much money in them than you got!"

"It wasn't right to do. They should get something for their trouble.."

Seth snorted in laughter, bending over and holding his side, "Oh my god… oh my side, it hurts so…" he began shaking his head.

"What's so funny?" Ryan demanded.

"You. Ryan. You and your perception of your own evilness or whatever" he shook his head, beginning to catch his breath now.

They were both interrupted by the sound of the doorbell.

A look of panic descended on to Ryan's face, and Seth closed the gap between them, patting him on the shoulder, "Relax Ry." He simply said.

And Ryan knew. Knew that no matter what happened, Seth would be there for him, to fight for him and support him.

Seth opened the door widely, letting Catherine in. When she spotted Ryan she stopped mid-step, mid-word.

"Can I talk to you?" Ryan asked not waiting for her to speak, surprising Seth. Surprising himself.

"Uh.. y.. yes of course" Catherine stuttered.

Ryan offered a weak smile.

"Do you… have somewhere private you want to –"

"No" Ryan shrugged, "Time to face my fears" he added quietly to himself.

"What?" Catherine asked, confused.

"Everyone's in the kitchen" Ryan told her.

………………………………………………..

Ryan stared down at the forms in front of him, nervously. He gripped the pen tightly in his hand, anxiety leaking through his chest.

Kirsten placed a hand on his shoulder, "I'm sorry" she said quietly.

He turned, "For what?"

"For this" she waved her hand, "You don't –"

"No. S'okay" he offered a tentative smile.

She smiled back, Sandy clasped him on the shoulder as he turned back to the government forms.

"You don't have to, you know." Sandy added.

"I want to. It's… better this way"

It was three days after they had all met with Catherine. She hadn't been too pleased with his injuries, and they'd all attempted to explain them away.

She still hadn't seemed so impressed at the time, and now here he was.

"Sometimes it's best to hold on to the past" Kirsten continued.

Ryan turned, "No. This is supposed to be a new start, right?" he asked, letting out a breath.

They both smiled back at him and he turned back to the papers, clicking the pen open he signed his signature where applicable.

Sandy took the papers when he was finished, making sure he'd gotten them all. He was unable to ignore the fresh signature in blue ink.

_Ryan Cohen_.

Sandy felt his face split with a smile as he handed the clerk the name change forms, resting an arm across Ryan's shoulders.

"You still have to see a judge" Sandy warned his son.

Ryan grinned, "After what's happened lately?" he asked, "Piece of cake"

……………………………………………….

All done! At least for now… maybe when I come up with another ridiculous scenario to continue the story I will, lol, but it'll begin under a different title.

For now, I'm brainstorming other stories, so you all can read and review those!!


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